My Top Five Albums of All Time

These are not just my top five albums of all time. There is no argument. These are simply the top five albums of all time. How can I be so sure? Because while all the other kiddies are dipping their fingers in paint, I’m reading liner notes. Because when I hear my entire kindergarten class butcher the polyphony when doing something as simple as singing the rounds to Kiss From A Rose, a part of me dies inside. Because I’m Lester Bangs’ fucking grandson, that’s why.

Calm Down – Myths That Should Be Left Behind

Hey bros, we’re moving towards 2010 at what feels like a record pace. Humans are evolving, civilization is maturing, and yet in some areas we still remain behind. Ever since the ancient Greeks, humans have been held back by various myths. I’m tired of that and am here to debunk for you the worst myths of the last year. Like the great Siddharta would say, truth above everything is the mantra for the new decade!

Rodney Dangerfield’s Child Denied Admission to Respectington Academy

Rodney with son Brian (L) and daughter Melissa (R) at the 2008 Class-Ee Clam Celebri-Tee Pro-Am charity tournament. The family's poor scores lead spectators to suggest the family should have "stayed home and played with themselves."

(LOS ANGELES) Brian Dangerfield, son and youngest child of comedian Rodney Dangerfield, has been refused enrolment at the prestigious and swanky Respectington Academy.

Declaring the child’s aptitude test results to be “lower than Rodney’s wife at a miners’ convention,” the notoriously exclusive school chose to award the final fall semester spot to the Elysse, daughter of Baron Hoitie of Toitie.

Best of the Blogohedron: Annie’s TTY About Comps

Every once and awhile Terminal Laughter likes to look outward at the blogohedron and give exposure to some of our favourite bloggies on the Webb. TL is proud to present, the latest post from the tech blog, ANNIE SOUPLEY’S TTY-ABOUT-COMPUTER-TALK!

Blogging since: 2008

Age: 57

Sex: Female

Location: Dundas, Ontario (Would prefer if Bloggergash company would use real internet lingo “a/s/l” instead of these outdated full words. Oh well… Bloggarz can’t be chooserz!”

Oct 21st, 2009

Annie here, fellow comp lovers!

I return to you after a long absence from blogging. Why would I do that to you you ask? Well thanks for asking!!!!

Unfortunately, Annie has been having some trouble with her internet connection modem.

Man Shocked and Dismayed to Discover Identity of Biological Father

QUEBEC CITY, QUEBEC – A local man has spoken of his inner torment after discovering his long-lost father is actually a notorious pirate.

 

Ill-famed pirate Jack Sparrow (L), and estranged son Michel St. Pierre (R)

Five years ago Michel St. Pierre, 38, was informed that he had been adopted as an infant. After hearing the news, he became determined to reconnect with his biological parents. While his adoptive parents remained curiously tight-lipped, after scouring local records, St. Pierre’s quest yielded the booty he had been searching for.

Emile Post’s Man Rules

Wondering how to be a 21st century man? Ask Emile Post your questions.

Dear Emile,

How firm a handshake is too firm?

Sincerely,

(Name Withheld)

A handshake is much like a dance, for one must lead. If you are intending to be a dapper, manly modern man then you must always lead the hand tango.

Ways To Fix the Santa Claus Parade

After record low parade attendance figures, the Santa Claus Parade Enthusiast Association contracted branding and event planning firm, Enter the Tainment to dream up new ideas for capturing new paradegoers. Terminal Laughter got its paws on the confidential document outlining these plans.

Re: Santa Claus Parade Attendance Figures

Ways to ‘Sleigh’ The Audience: Overhaul Suggestions for Santa Claus Parade

Prepared by Jeff ‘Stinger’ Roscoe, Tom ‘Mauler’ Miller and Carl ‘Bite Ya’ Brown

1. Grab the Arthouse Crowd by Rethinking the Order – Everyone knows Citizen Kane is widely considered to be the greatest movie of all time by critic-types, and how does it start? It starts with the sleigh.

Chilled Out Record Store Manager Breaks Down Seasonal Sales Quotas

Yo, everyone. What up? First, right off, I want to thank all you for coming in on a Sunday. A lot of you are missing Dexter, and that sucks. I know. Is everyone here? Craig? No? Well I’m going anyways.

Alright staff—wait. Naw. I hate that word “staff” you know? Makes us sound like we’re a bunch of Bay Street bigwigs. Or like we’re that thing that one Ninja Turtle used to carry. Which one was it? The Purple One. Raphael? Whatever.Corporate asks me to address you as “staff” but fuck that. I like “team” better. Makes us sound like we’re the 92-93 Jays. Molitor. Borders. Henderson. Alomar. You feelin’ me, team?

Sprauge.

LOVE ME, LOVE MY HOMUNCULUS

To the lady it may concern:

If you are reading this, you have most likely locked yourself in my bathroom. I apologize for not saying the following to you personally, but this sort of situation happens often enough that my neighbours have complained about the noise of me talking through the door. Hopefully, this pamphlet will answer the questions you likely have and encourage you to come out of the bathroom.

First, I told you plain and simple: “I have a homunculus.” You didn’t have to stick around after that. I’m kind of surprised you did. What the hell went through your mind? Why the hell would I say that if I didn’t really have one? It’s certainly not funny. It’s a fucking weird thing to joke about.

Dog in a Leather Jacket: The Complete Correspondence

Volume 1 – Robert

Dearest Dog in a Leather Jacket:

How long has it been, old friend?  Two, three years?  My stars, I swear it seems only yesterday we were neighbours and confidants.  I trust the intervening years have preserved you much as you were, and that your hypersensitive ears might still attune themselves to me – though I am in the fullest flush of puberty, my troubles are fully-grown, I assure you.

Alas, I am in need of your keen nose for matters social.  I have a crush on a girl at school, but nary a clue of what to do.