Baby, I’m Gonna Make You Mine

by Edward Petrenko – CEO, Petrenkorp Mining Inc.

I hope you like it – it’s the classiest restaurant in Sudbury. I slipped ‘em a little something a few weeks ago to bump ‘em up a star or two, just for tonight. Hey, it’s the least I could do. But, speaking of slipping ‘em something, close your eyes. Oh c’mon, you know you can trust me – how many dates have we been on? Five? Five is the trust date.

Okay, they’re closed? You’re not looking? All right, open your eyes.

Yup, yup – real diamond. Real as my feelings for you – probably more resale value, too.

I know it’s a bit premature, but I’ve got a feeling I’m onto the mother lode with you, Roxanne. …it’s a little mining joke. Don’t worry, you’ll have the rest of your life with me to laugh at it. Don’t even think about setting a date yet – just think about the ring.

So you like it? You really like it? How’d you like another one?

Easy, easy – close your eyes first. Make sure they’re closed – I want this to be a surprise. Keep ‘em closed… okay, open ‘em!

What? It’s a pickaxe!

Sit down, sit down, hear me out. No, I’m not gonna kill you – I want to carve out a future with you, Rox! Now, you know I got fired from DiCan a while ago, right? Well, I decided to strike out on my own – get some tracts, get some rights, and get some holes in the ground, do the whole mining thing. I got this great claim along Highway 11 – it’s got this really… great… lucky air. It’s literally loaded with potential. You should see it.

Rox, listen! I’ve got everything I need to start out, except the labour! Everyone’s out west at Fort Mac!

Oh come on, Rox – you even said you were thinking about quitting The Purple Pig! This’d be perfect – it’s outside, it’s exercise… didn’t I always say I’d be your rock? Well, now you can return the favour!

Rox, stop, you’re making a scene. I thought you’d really dig the idea! Okay, jesus, it was just a little joke – don’t get so touchy! If you want, you can just handle the nitro.

Well it’s gotten a lot safer since that part of our heritage! It’s got wires and stuff now! You’ll be fine, Rox, precious…

For chrissakes, Rox, doesn’t this mean anything to you? This is our pickaxe! We’re gonna use it to chip out our diamonds! I mean you’re gonna use it! …I mean your diamonds! Wait, no – well, not all yours.

Wait, I didn’t mean it like that – I’ve gotta sell some of them! Well, not a lot of ‘em… just enough to cover the land, and the rights, and the pickaxe, and the diamond, and…

Well I couldn’t very well dig you a diamond without you swinging the pick! I told you, I’m banned from the pickaxe union – that’s why I’m forming a new union, a union of me and you, and-

No, no, I bought this one from a store. What, I mined a gold band, too? Well, no, I don’t know if there’s diamonds on the land. Nobody does. It’s just a big pile of rocks that we’ve got to blow up and hack at and sift through the remains… just like marriage, Rox!

Fine, run, go back to your Purple Pig and your lonely life in the sun… take your time, ‘cause baby, I’m gonna make you mine.

Bigfoot poised to receive compassionate reevaluation in undergraduate term paper

Document recovered by John Semley

By: Jay Evans

For: Prof. Anthony Ricciardi

ENVR 400 final paper Proposal

April 25, 2008

Green-living Friends of The Woods:

On Simple Living and Bigfoot as Ecomessiah

For my final paper for ENVR 400: Seminar in Environmental Thought, I would like to address a topic which, while maybe outside of the scope of “proper” “academic research”, will nonetheless prove relevant to the course materials as I intend to take it very seriously. There is absolutely no question that humankind’s relationship with nature can best be described as “ambivalent”. Most environmentalists agree on this fact even if their opinions remain otherwise divided. A creature whose relationship with nature is harmonious, however, is Bigfoot (Lakota: Chiye-tanka). While some deem the existence of Bigfoot (or North American Sasquatch) to be unproven or a hoax staged by pranksters, I feel that Bigfoot as myth is necessary to developing a healthier relationship with nature. Critic Roland Barthes has gone on record saying: “Myth is a value, truth is no guarantee for it; nothing prevents it from being a perpetual alibi”. My final 15-page paper will begin from this argument.

For at least centuries, the Bigfoot (or “Grass Man” in Ohio, U.S.A.) has lived in concord with his natural environment, choosing not to contribute to deforestation or global warming as a result of hydro-carbon emissions. Rather, Bigfoot lives a simple live. He takes from nature only what he needs, generally refusing to adopt the rape-and-pillage lifestyle of his bipedal hominid cousins (man). This outright refusal to bend to the demands of the modern world is reflected in Bigfoot photography, where he often appears blurry or out-of-focus. I will argue that Bigfoot (or the “Skunk Ape”) is so far removed from the siren song of the technocracy that he literally cannot be photographed in high-resolution (similar to how it has been proven impossible to take a snapshot of a Dracula or Catholic Saint). This will be my second argument and I will draw equally from evolutionary anthropology and Appalachian folklore in proving this point.

Lastly, and most importantly, I will argue for Bigfoot (Australia: Yowie) as a sort-of “ecomessiah”. Tying into my first argument (ie. Bigfoot as necessary myth), I will analyse the findings of primate physiology specialist David J. Daegling laid out in his landmark text, Bigfoot Exposed. He writes that “[w]e may need the animal [ie. Bigfoot], but that does not mean the animal has to be there”. I will argue that we need Bigfoot because of his messianic quality: meaning, how he represents a lesson in how to live with nature. Bigfoot offers a promise for redemption (both of ecological systems and, perhaps, the soul) in world gone mad with greenhouse gases, suburban sprawl and regressive Republican politics. Like Jesus of Nazareth (who died on a cross to absolve mankind from its many sins), Bigfoot has been “crucified”, in metaphorical terms: written off as a myth and hoax when within his furry embrace lies the chance for true salvation. I expect this paper to contribute substantially to the fields of environmental social sciences, ecological theory, Bigfoot research (and cryptozoology more generally), as well as structuralist philosophy.

ENVR Honours Student Evans applies the final keystrokes to his magnum opus paper proposal in the Environmental Students Society commons lounge.

DOCTOR BOFFO’S MIRACLE MASH

As shilled for by “Honest” Edward “Boffotrenko”, truth-teller extraordinaire

AS SEEN IN MIRACLE DIGEST

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Hemingway: The Shorter Stories

Compiled by Edward Petrenko

Several months ago, I had the honour of being among a party with the express legal right – nay, the privilege – to unearth, exhume, and play rugby with the skull of Ernest Hemingway. It was a balmy night that threatened to give way into rain at all turns, but over the course of the evening, all that crossed the night sky was the partial corpse of a genius, as Skins took the match from Shirts, 3 tries to 2. I’m sure Papa would’ve liked to see those dainty cloth-wearers taken down a peg, and I like to think our victory repaid some of the injustice done (though his grievance should surely be with the Case Western Reserve University English Literature Society Lottery, and not with us participatory Papaites).

In any case, upon replacing the skull as best we could (given the dark lighting and our slight fatigue – again, complaints to the Lottery, please), we made a glorious discovery: there, in Papa’s cavernous ribcage, was a small notebook. Perhaps it came to rest there as stipulated by a bizarre will? Perhaps in a fit of bullfighting-induced hunger? Perhaps he had a dream about eating a large, daunting cookie, and woke up, sans book? His final subtext, no doubt. We picked up the leatherbound book (bound in his own skin, perhaps? True grit!), and by distant flashes of lightning, recited it to each other and the night in our most earthen, bassy tones. Here now, are some of these, the forgotten, shorter stories of Hemingway.

Dog

“Did you put out the dog?”

“No. Did you?”

“It’s your dog. Why should I put it out?”

“Because.”

Cold

“It’s cold.”

“Sure is.”

“Think we should get off this rugged mountain?”

“I think this rugged mountain should get off us.”

“That doesn’t make any sense.”

“I don’t care.”

Keys

“Where’s the keys?”

“I don’t know. Did you put them somewhere?”

“Of course I put them somewhere. Where else would I put them?”

“Somewhere else?”

“…”

Scampy

“I’ll have the shrimp scampy.”

“You had that yesterday.”

“I know. I like it.”

“You came here yesterday too.”

“I know. I like this place.”

“You would.”

Sex

“Let’s have sex.”

“Let’s not.”

“Why not?”

“I don’t want to talk about it.”

“That’s cool.”

Hunger

“I’m hungry.”

“I know.”

Love

“I love you.”

“…”

Shut Up

“Shut up.”