MR. BELUSHI, YOU CAN’T DO THAT IN A MUGSHOT

by OFFICER GABRIEL TIERNEY

All right, hot shot, end of the line. I’ve had about enough of your capering. I took the orange peel, I took the Groucho glasses, I took the googlie eyes you had on underneath the glasses, and now I’m gonna take this mugshot, because it’s three in the morning, and we can’t legally charge you with anything else.
I know you’ve got a reputation for off-the-wall hijinx, Mr. Belushi. My brother even mentioned one of your gags to me at the last reunion. But this is my precinct, bub – we don’t even allow SMILING in our mugshots. Now I want you to just stand there, look forward, and for God’s sake, stop clowning around. Okay? …there we go. Let’s see how it turned out…
Dammit Belushi, what did I tell you? Straight ahead! You’re all relaxed and akimbo in this one! Is this a joke to you? Let me tell you something, mister: you’re being charged for every picture I take that isn’t file-worthy. Christ, I got my kid’s recital tomorrow night, and you’re keeping me up for some kind of gag reel? I’m taking another one now, Belushi, and it better be normal.

What the hell? Where did you get those!? Gimme that! You could be ANY Belushi under those shades and that hat. Jesus Resurrected Christ, I frisked you, Belushi – where is all this crap coming from? Is there any more? Give it to me. …oh, the old water-spraying flower trick, huh? Very funny, funny guy. You gonna ask me for Prince Albert in a can next? …yeah, I know the joke, Belushi, that’s why I… ugh… no, I DON’T have Prince Albert in a can… yeah yeah, ha ha. Let’s freakin’ try this again.
Oh kiss my ass, Belushi! This is ridiculous – why would you even go there? Yes I know you bought it before 9/11 – no one even sells stuff like that after 9/11. …Oh I don’t care if it’s Sikh, it Sikh-ens me. Hey, maybe you should use that down at… what’s it called? Accordion Gym? Whatever… aha!
There, now that must’ve caught you off-guard… argh! Wash off that junk, now! …why would you get that permanently? Oh, you’re joking? You’re joking, are you? Hardee. Har. Har. All right, buster, last chance. If this picture doesn’t turn out right, I’m beating you to within an inch of cruel and unusual. Just so you know, here’s the shoe I’m gonna do it with. Kapeesh? Alright. One… two… three…
Okay, I’ve been up far too long. I guess that’ll have to do.

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