By EVAN MILLAR
Fat? Me? Ha. You gotta be kidding. I can bench 250. Without trying. On a bad day.
Catch me on a good day, when I am trying. I could probably lift a small car. Think a fat guy could do that? Don’t think so.
Typically, I work out 5 days a week. But not because I need to. Look at me. Girls love it. Think I go to the gym because I have to? You’d be wrong. Its because I crave exercise. Think its a chore? Wrong again. Not for me. I love the gym. Like a second home to me. Fat people are lazy. And lazy people don’t work out five days a week. You gotta be joking me if you think they do.
Girls flock to me. You bet they do. If I take my shirt off at the beach, just make sure you get out of the way. Unless, of course, you want
Oh, maybe by some ridiculous unfair beauty standards where everyone in the whole fucking world has to be as perfect as Alicia Keys or Meryl Streep, I might be considered a little girthy. But the real world isn’t like the magazines because sometimes people have beauty on the insides even though their outsides are doughy and malformed.
Not me though. My body is as hard as my attitude and demeanor. Harder even. Well, the same.
Besides, the pamphlets say that people who bully use differences to target victims because they themselves are afraid, jealous, envious, insecure, fat, cruel, angry or unhappy. What the bullies don’t know is that its our differences that make us unique and individual. The pamphlets say that bullying is never the victims fault and that i am not alone but oh god i feel so alone and sometimes its so hard not to blame yourself when all you do is stuff your worthless fat fuck face day and night like the warthog you are
Or so I’d imagine. I mean, its not like I’m fat. Not personally, at least.
Do you know how hard it is to adjust your self image and feel comfortable about you for who you are in your own skin? Do you know what it takes to look at yourself in the mirror and force a fake smile through your white teeth that gleam though they’re eroding from vomit and stare at yourself repeating out loud all the good things about yourself you can think of and all the good qualities that you have and say i am a nice genuine person who deserves to be treated like a human being not a farm animal or i’m sure there are other people who like the way i look or i am adept at solving math problems and logical conundrums or in these pants and in this light my calves don’t look very fat today or remind yourself that sometimes people who are seem physically attractive on the outside are morally fat and treat others with the kind of disrespect that is at least equivalent to the disgust i inflict daily on all those who have to look at my oh god my lumpy bloated buttery bubblebutt, but all you see is an ugly gross pudgypodgy fattyfattfattyfatty. goddamn you mirror why can’t you go one fucking day without ridiculing me? mirror i will overcome you i am strong. imstrongimstrongimstrong
imstrongimablob maybe i’m giant but you’re a giant asshole and girls prefer inner qualities to outer appearance everyone knows that. i might be fat but you’re mean and at least i’m nice