I’M NOT FAT

By EVAN MILLAR
Fat? Me? Ha. You gotta be kidding. I can bench 250. Without trying. On a bad day.

 

Catch me on a good day, when I am trying. I could probably lift a small car. Think a fat guy could do that? Don’t think so.


Typically, I work out 5 days a week. But not because I need to. Look at me. Girls love it. Think I go to the gym because I have to? You’d be wrong. Its because I crave exercise. Think its a chore? Wrong again. Not for me. I love the gym. Like a second home to me. Fat people are lazy. And lazy people don’t work out five days a week. You gotta be joking me if you think they do.


Maybe my bones are a little bit bigger than most peoples’ are. I have big bones. A lot of people have big bones. No big ‘D’. I just have big, oddly fleshy, bones. So maybe those fleshy bones protrude outwardly a little and might maybe make it seem like I have the appearance of having a little extra. So what? I’d doesn’t mean I’m fat. Really it doesn’t.to be trampled by drooling girls. Scorchin’ hot ones too. They come running for it. Look at those muscles, they say. My God, there’s not an ounce of fat on that body, they say.

Girls flock to me. You bet they do. If I take my shirt off at the beach, just make sure you get out of the way. Unless, of course, you want

Oh, maybe by some ridiculous unfair beauty standards where everyone in the whole fucking world has to be as perfect as Alicia Keys or Meryl Streep, I might be considered a little girthy. But the real world isn’t like the magazines because sometimes people have beauty on the insides even though their outsides are doughy and malformed.

Not me though. My body is as hard as my attitude and demeanor. Harder even. Well, the same.

Besides, the pamphlets say that people who bully use differences to target victims because they themselves are afraid, jealous, envious, insecure, fat, cruel, angry or unhappy. What the bullies don’t know is that its our differences that make us unique and individual. The pamphlets say that bullying is never the victims fault and that i am not alone but oh god i feel so alone and sometimes its so hard not to blame yourself when all you do is stuff your worthless fat fuck face day and night like the warthog you are

Or so I’d imagine. I mean, its not like I’m fat. Not personally, at least.

Do you know how hard it is to adjust your self image and feel comfortable about you for who you are in your own skin? Do you know what it takes to look at yourself in the mirror and force a fake smile through your white teeth that gleam though they’re eroding from vomit and stare at yourself repeating out loud all the good things about yourself you can think of and all the good qualities that you have and say i am a nice genuine person who deserves to be treated like a human being not a farm animal or i’m sure there are other people who like the way i look or i am adept at solving math problems and logical conundrums or in these pants and in this light my calves don’t look very fat today or remind yourself that sometimes people who are seem physically attractive on the outside are morally fat and treat others with the kind of disrespect that is at least equivalent to the disgust i inflict daily on all those who have to look at my oh god my lumpy bloated buttery bubblebutt, but all you see is an ugly gross pudgypodgy fattyfattfattyfatty. goddamn you mirror why can’t you go one fucking day without ridiculing me? mirror i will overcome you i am strong. imstrongimstrongimstrong
imstrongimablob
maybe i’m giant but you’re a giant asshole and girls prefer inner qualities to outer appearance everyone knows that. i might be fat but you’re mean and at least i’m nice

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5 responses to “I’M NOT FAT

  1. I like the vernacular here

    Especially: “No big D”, and, randomly, “Don’t think so”, which is hilarious and cocky-sounding.

  2. coalition against chiefs

    making fun of fat people/body issues. ingenious! you are shit. this is absolute garbage-shit and proves faux-sxe hardcore wankers truly are a breed to be shat on. i hope your comfort-blanket of pathetic irony chokes you in your sleep tonight while you wet dream about saying something worthwhile.

  3. Concordia Fannnnn

    I think you missed the point; he’s not fat.

    Also; what kind of fat fuck gets up at/stays up till 6:14 to anonymously insult sweet blogs? They must be fat as all hell. Huge, even.

    Though I agree that Evan has been laying it on a little thick with the straight edge stuff, what with him not claiming to be straight edge, and not being straight edge. It’s like put down the beer and pick a side, am I right folks?

  4. “coalition against chiefs”:
    if you click my name underneath the title, you will find a link to my e-mail address. if you take the time to write me, i’ll dislodge the irony blanket from my throat and gladly address your qualms personally. here’s the thing about pathetic irony blankets–easy to choke on, but made of such great material.

    as “concordia fannnn” pointed out, i think you missed the point. as a former fat-person making the transition to current fat-person, i had no intention of slighting the obese. i know life’s not always easy for the big peeps, and there’s no glory in kicking those who are already down (even if the larger surface area makes them hard targets for even a coordinationally-challenged person like myself to miss).

    incidentally, i did have a wet dream last night, though it wasn’t about me saying anything worthwhile. oddly enough, it involved a rocking chair, the flying dutchman, a crocodile lamp, and two pairs of giant singing shears. to be honest, i’m a little worried about it.

    seriously though, who are you people?

  5. after sleuthing some in an effort to forever put off studying, i’ve honed in on the identity of the culprit, who is seated at this very dinner table.

    “coalition against chiefs” is either:

    a) someone who i have belligerently yelled obscenities at while wasted
    b) someone’s roommate
    c) louie anderson, or some other fat person who is genuinely offended; partially illiterate
    d) hitler, because “coalition against chiefs” is a racist handle
    e) spam robots

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