OH, MAN

By MATT DOYLE

Oh man, isn’t it great how we all hang out like this? We’re the best. A real gang. Like Seinfeld. No. No. Wait. More like an Old West gang. Yeah. Like Young Guns or some shit like that.

Only instead of guns, it’s bongs. Young Bongs. That’s us.

Man. Those guys all have nicknames, don’t they? Billy the Kid. Um, Cannonball Jim. Probably. Who knows.

Nicknames though. Nicknames. That’s the mark of a real group. A group people are intimidated by, want to be a part of but no, sorry, you don’t pass our test. How long can you Indian-toke for? Not enough bro, back o’ the line. No nick for you.

But we, we all need nicks, eh? Agree? Lou? Craig? C’mon back Geoff. Geoff. Geoff.

Seriously. We should make names up for each other.

Or I could suggest some.

No. No.

Stay. Seriously. Stay. This isn’t lame. I swear. Nicknames. Everybody worth anything has a nickname. Clinton’s got Bubba, right?

Bubba. Craig, you be Bubba. It suits you.

Now Lou’s gonna be Doc, just because that’s the type of dude Lou is.

Geoff. Lampshade. That’ll be good.

Sam’s gonna be…Sam should be…Carpet…cause of…

No, really, there’s a reason.

He’s always rolling around on carpets, right? Man. That’s Sam for you. Can’t hold his weed. Total Carpet move! Oh man, that’s gonna be said so much from now on. Hold your applause.

No, dude, we do smoke that much. It’s totally like our thing. Other groups rob banks, this is what we do. Got it? Carpet? Bubba? Doc? Lampshade?

Ok. So we’re a group—–Oh shit. You know what? I totally forgot my own nickname. I’ve gotta have one too, right? The Young Bongs featuring Bubba, Doc, Lampshade, Carpet and…And….

Bong.

Call me Bong. Yeah. I guess. Hmmm. Sounds ok I guess to me. Why not, right?

Geoff, that’s not a reason. I mean, Lampshade, shut up. That’s not a reason. It’s whatever. Whatever. I just said it. It’s not written in stone or anything. I just think somebody, one member of the Young Bongs should actually be named Bong. You guys already have some pretty sweet nicknames. I mean, it’s not like mine’s as original as any of yours. I would gladly trade with any of—-

No man. Dude. You own Bubba. I don’t even think “Craig” when I think of you anymore man. It’s Bubba fully and completely.

Carrrrrpet. I can’t imagine you without that name.

Listen, I’m doing all of you a huge favour. Bong will be my name from now on.

I won’t answer to that. You know what to call me.

But I didn’t “make up my own nickname”. I just took the last one available. It’s like I got to the video store and How High, Half Baked and Big Lebowski were all rented out so I took some slightly boring but still pretty solid movie like Microcosmos out, ok?

Don’t call me Microcosmos.

Don’t. Seriously. You know my name. Bong doesn’t want to be called that.

Good. Thanks.

Microballs? What does that even mean?

Whatever dudes. I’m gonna go drop a deuce. Peace.

No way Carpet, I’ve always said that.

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4 responses to “OH, MAN

  1. Oh, man!

  2. nice segue into Microcosmos

  3. Bilyana Ilievska

    matthew francis doyle, you already have a nickname, and it was given to you for your squinty eyes

  4. but for bong-related reasons

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