ON FATHERHOOD, AN OPEN LETTER TO THE GANG

By Ian Hartman


Guys,

Sorry about last Saturday. What with Jenn as big as a house and the baby on the way, I just couldn’t break away for the game. It was Ohio State, right, with that really good dude? I love basketball.

Well, it’s been quite a wild ride around here. I know you guys keep trying to stop by to see the nursery and feel the baby kick, but man, luck has not been with us. Cal, I hope you were able to round up all your ants after Dave knocked over the tank last Tuesday. You guys really missed out on some excitement. We were watching Look Who’s Talking Too, and Jenn laughed so hard she thought her water broke. When did you guys get an ant farm anyway? It really has been a while since we chilled.

You know guys, I really think this is a big step for me. I mean, I feel like I’m really developing as a person. In fact, I’ve been thinking about what values I want to pass on to my son, and really they’re the same ones that my father passed on to me. Lately, I’ve been remembering all these family stories my old man used to tell. Boy oh boy, those weren’t just about people related to us, those were real life lessons. You guys should try this too, so you’ll be ready when the time comes. Especially you, Scoot. Jenn told me that Ann really wants a baby.

Like, I want my son to know that the stars are within his reach. Pops used to tell me about this uncle I have, named Junior. I visited him once. He lives in a shack at the end of a dirt road. Every spring, the runoff erodes a little more of his backyard, so he built a cannon to shoot blanks at the naked homosexuals he said lived across the river. He was kind of odd. But back in the 60s, he designed the plumbing system for the Apollo 11 spacecraft. Now, I haven’t checked it, but Pops told me his name is engraved on that statue of the eagle pissing on the Soviet Union that they placed up there. Talk about really making it, eh?

And, you know what else? I want my son to know that he should stay true to his convictions and to know that that is what will get him somewhere in life. I remember this one time: Pops and I had just gotten off the turnpike and were driving over French King’s Bridge. You know, that really, really tall one over the rocky gorge on Route 2. Well, he told me the most incredible story about this other uncle I had. I never met him, but apparently ol’ Harold Arthur was a son-of-a-gun. Back in the 30s he was a real man of the People, and one day, while crossing that very bridge we were driving over at the time, a toll man stepped out of his booth and demanded money. Well, Harold – being a man of the People – would have none of that. He gave that dirty toll man a good whooping and threw him off the bridge. Then, when he got to the other side, everybody was cheering for him because they all hated paying that toll. They had a big parade, and soon after, they made him governor. I mean, come on. Now, if that isn’t an inspiring life lesson, I don’t know what is.

So, anyway, if you guys want to catch a Sox game this season or something, give me a call. I hear they’ve got a pretty good deal if you bring your newborn along.

Your Bro,

Charles ‘ShitStain’ Hofstadter

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One response to “ON FATHERHOOD, AN OPEN LETTER TO THE GANG

  1. why did I read this.

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