By EDWARD X. FAKENAME
Insignificant Press Writer
MONTREAL, Canada (IP) – Noted CTV News journalist and coke fiend Mutsumi Takahashi was brutally slain last night in what appears to be the latest attack by a killer dubbed by the media as the “Mass Media Murderer”, or “That Splendid Guy”. In a week that has also seen Connie Chung hung, Dan Rather splattered and Soledad O’Brien o’fryin’, there is hushed speculation that any reporter could be next.
Most notable about the killer’s style, beyond targeting reporters, is his seemingly endless creativity in setting up his murders so as to have an amusing headline. Upon hearing of Bryant Gumbel’s liquefaction, rival news networks anchors gleefully reported the tragic creation of “Gumbel Gumbo”. But now, network partisanry has subsided in favour of muted, happy-faced terror.
“I’m not scared of him – in fact, I really hope we can be friends”, said NBC reporter Tom Brokaw, who shook nervously aware that his last name kind of sounded like ‘broke jaw’, or possibly ‘croaks – aww’. When asked if he thought he was being targeted, Brokaw claimed he thought he saw the murderer on the street, but it turned out to be Hollywood hunk and noted great guy George Clooney. “I’ve always pictured this killer as a really nice, devastatingly attractive guy”, said Brokaw. “So handsome, in fact, that if he wanted anything – anything – that wasn’t my life, he could have it.”
Reaction has been varied, but drastic. “I had my kids – my three, wonderful kids Joey, Gerry Junior and Farrah, daddy loves you – draw pictures of us and the murderer playing in the park some day”, stated Geraldo Rivera in a groundbreaking ceremony at the new Mass Media Murderer Children’s Hospital, funded by Rivera’s own recently-founded Stop The Insane (From Killing Me) charity. “You wouldn’t murder a reporter with glasses, three kids and a charity named after you, would you?”, asked Rivera.
Another public appeal came from ABC’s Barbara Walters, who is filing a class-action suit to find the murderer pre-emptively innocent. “We’ve all thought about murdering people we didn’t know, for no reason, and hell, maybe we’ve even tried it once or twice. But to do it serially is just a cry for help, and we must open our arms to protect our organs and skin from his knives of misunderstanding,” said Walters from her panic room telephone.
The suit comes after the dramatic, Emmy-nominated murder of Stone Phillips. On his way to a punny demise after being crushed by an elaborate Acme boulder trap installed by the murderer, a hospital bed-ridden Phillips dictated his dying words, lamenting his lack of effort in trying to appease this endlessly “inventive” and “virile” killer. Before a teary-eyed group of unidentified mourners, Phillips sobbed: “this watch… it could’ve bought him a better watch. This suit… could’ve saved him the trouble of doing laundry. This screenplay of mine for a Broadway musical-newsical… it could’ve… …”
Recently retired CBS “60 Minutes” anchor has come out as saying that the press could easily bring this man to justice if only they would report on him on any of their massively popular programs. “As soon as my laundry’s done, I’m going to go down to CBS, grab a camera, and tell the world that these prime-time pigeons haven’t been stoolying like they should. It’s shameful to see our once-proud press reduced to a bunch of simpering ninnies too scared to put their own ass on the line.”
It should be noted, in the interest of full disclosure, that this reporter thinks the nice-man murderer should kill this uppity prick next. For Insignificant Press, I’m Edward X. Rakedveins. …whoops.