By Max Hartshorn
20 bucks?! I don’t understand how it could be that much already, I mean it’s only been—What? 2 dollars a day for 10 days—Oh, well I guess that makes sense. But can’t you give me a break, after all I am Nostradamus. I—Of course you know who I am! Ever heard of a little thing called the future? All me son, I predicted it would happen. And, you wanna hear something weird, get this, I totally foresaw the ending of The Sixth Sense like a third of the way through the movie—Well I think you should care. Now—No you listen! I’ve been a loyal patron of this establishment for some time and I’ve never had to—Look I’m not getting angry with you it’s just—Please, no, don’t get your manager. I ummm uhhh wait ummm OH GREAT SPIRIT, SEER OF SIGHTS, INVOKE uhhh ELDERS ummm TWO SERPENTS OF INDETERMINITE LENGTH WILL ENTER THE HOUSE OF THE WICKED AND—Oh hello sir I’m glad you’re here—Actually there is a problem, YOUR BUSINESS WILL FACE GRAVE RUIN UNLESS FINANCIAL GENEROSITY IS VISITED UPON—Huh? No I’m certainly not “like a fortune cookie or something.” I am a prophet, a seer—And no I will not nor can I shut up, I am but a conduit through which the spirits converse—Well your customers should be scared. The future is a strange and awful place full of post-apocalyptic adventure, sexy cybervillains and Matrix-like special effects! BE WARNED ummm JUST WHEN YOU THOUGHT IT WAS SAFE TO GO BACK INTO THE WATER—no wait—A-AN ADVENTURE 65 MILLION YEARS IN THE MAKING WILL ONE DAY—Wait. No! Give me another chance! (come on you old fool, keep it together) Okay, alright, awards season’s coming up, everybody loves this, okay, EARLY OSCAR PREDICTIONS: A GREAT MOVIE STARING AN AGING ICON WILL DESCEND FROM THE SKY AND PROCURE THE GOLDEN MIDGET—hmmm that doesn’t sound right—Oh hello officer, no trouble here just returning—Oh, no, don’t listen to that guy he’s a little, let’s just say I wouldn’t believe everything he says—No, please, hear me out, I AM ALL THAT IS TRUTH AND LIGHT. What’s that? Drugs? Just opium—Wait, no, shoot, I-I was just kidding, I didn’t—Get your hands off me, FOR ummm A GREAT LAW MAN WILL DESCEND FROM THE SKY AND CHARGE THEE WITH IMPROPER—Oh hey, no, I totally have a prescription for that—Seriously, they can prescribe it in Idaho. Just, uhhh, let me go to Idaho and I’ll get it for you. Could you just um, help me out here? Heh, I can’t really drive my car with my hands cuffed—What? Where am I going? Downtown? No, please, wait, maybe we can make a deal. I know things. You wanna know the ending to The Sixth Sense? I can tell you, haven’t even seen the whole movie, how weird is that?—no—I can’t—no I won’t—I refuse—THE REFUSE WILL FALL UPON THE ROTTEN—Oww! Hey, that one was pretty good actuall—OWWW! Okay I’ll shut up. But please, let’s not make a big deal of this whole-err-incident. A POX WILL BEFALL ALL WHO TELL MY WIFE ABOUT THIS!