FROM: THE INTERNET XXXPLAINED!: HOW TO ENSURE PREDATORS WON’T “DOWNLOAD” YOUR CHILD

By JASPER WREN

Once again, I remind you, the internet is an African safari with no guide. You would not let your child loose in such an area, teeming with lions, tigers and bears (Oh, my!). Caged animals run loose on the internet. Keep your child SAFE.

Unfortunately, you cannot be with your child at all times. This is sad, but true. It is a fact that children need time alone to mature properly into useful contributors to society. It is also a fact that during this time alone is when sexual predators lurk their hardest. They will come after your child. Let me stress this again: sexual predators will come after and come on to your child. The internet is literally infested with them.

A favourite “cruising ground” for these cyber pedophiles is in chat rooms, on Microsoft Web Messenger and ICQ (stands for “I seek you”). While your children are free, talking to friends and perverts alike, you might be at work, assuming that because your child is at home, they are safe. That is not good enough.

Thankfully, the good people at Microsoft have created a “History” file just for this parental purpose. It is an archive, just like in a library, of exactly what your child has said while online (both to friends and perverts). All well and good, you say? I can read what my children say and breathe easy.

But your breath will be gone. No breathing when you see the entirely new language these children speak. How will you know if your child is discussing the latest Malcolm in the Middle episode or agreeing to fellatio with a middle-aged man from Brantford? With this: that’s how!

A Glossary of Internet Terminology.

LOL: “Laugh Out Loud”
– Seems harmless, but remember, pederasts often flatter children first into believing they are the next Frankie Muniz. Next thing you know, your child really will be “in the middle”—you know?

BRB: “Be Right Back.”
– Again, appears harmless but has a twisted side. The predator may enjoy the power he has over the child as he promises to “BRB”. On undercover forays into popular teen chat rooms such as the More Cody Banks! site, I have been promised this same thing by chatters, yet they have never returned. The only logical conclusion is that once they leave the “room”, with the promise of returning, through the internet they download your address. Then I can only assume on the many occasions this has happened, the perverts have covertly arrived at my house in the hopes of sandwiching a youngster but instead found a beefy, intimidating Bryan Cranston-like man, shirtless, for an extra-level of intimidation. I will fight off every and any attacker. They can’t even get in the house after I have locked it. They try to get in, but I give them the shaft!

ROFL: “Rolling on Floor Laughing”
– Proud parent you are, you may want to believe that your child truly did tell a joke that was funny enough to induce a grown man to fall onto the ground in hysterics. But your child is not to be seen Sunday nights on Fox. No matter how much you wish you had a wise-cracking Macauley-Culkin for the new millenium living in your house in the bedroom next to yours with all his toys and tiny clothing there, unfortunately you do not and your child will never make it into People except perhaps as a victim of abuse. Unless you stop it.

A/S/L: “Age? Sex? Location?”
– While originally I had assumed that this one was as vicious as it appears. How old are you, do you want sex and where shall I trespass? was my first assumption. But in fact it is a simple request for details. Details needed, however, to meet up with your child for illicitness. On undercover operations I have asked numerous children online for their “A/S/L” and they have eagerly given it up and happily met with me.

WTF: “Want To F*&%?”
– Very worrisome! Take away all internet privileges from your child! Perhaps as a concerned parent you should sign on as your child, talk to this predator and hopefully force a climax between you.

IWRY: “I Want to Rape You.”
– Surprisingly nothing to actually worry about. “Rape” is common teen lingo for “be friends with”.

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One response to “FROM: THE INTERNET XXXPLAINED!: HOW TO ENSURE PREDATORS WON’T “DOWNLOAD” YOUR CHILD

  1. Bilyana Ilievska

    Matt says:
    i hate when people ask that
    Matt says:
    ahhh they’re kickin us out of the EL in FIFTEEN MINUTES
    Matt says:
    they’re telling us to evacuaaaate the building, guy
    Matt says:
    shoot guy
    Matt says:
    see y’all soon i’m sure
    bily brainclean says:
    ok
    Matt says:
    love, your friend, matt doyle
    bily brainclean says:
    leacock!
    bily brainclean says:
    come! bye!
    Matt says:
    seeya!
    bily brainclean says:
    MY ESSAY ON WHITMAN BY MATT DOYLE:
    THE THING ABOUT WHITMAN IS HE WAS A HUGE PUBLIC MASTERBATOR. HE WOULD PUT IT IN ANYTHING, A KNOT IN A TREE, A SNAIL SHELL, HELL, EVEN IN POETIC VERSE, IN THIS ESSAY I PROPOSE THAT
    Matt says:
    i love it!
    bily brainclean says:
    [:D] thanks
    bily brainclean says:
    i’m thinking of expanding it for my dissertation
    bily brainclean says:
    i’m actually going before a panel tomorrow to defend it
    bily brainclean says:
    fingers crossed!!
    bily brainclean says:
    eg- EVIL GRIN
    Matt says:
    MY ESSAY ON DOROTHY LIVESAY BY BILYANA: DOROTHY’S NOT IN KANSAS ANYMORE. WITH ONE CLICK OF MISS LIVESAY’S RUBY SLIPPERS, THE READER IS TRANSPORTED TO A MYSTICAL WORLD — ONE SIMILAR TO OURS IN MANY WAYS, BUT ALSO, PROFOUNDLY DIFFERENT.
    Matt says:
    ROFL
    bily brainclean says:
    its not fair when your joke actually strikes me as good sound writing
    bily brainclean says:
    lol peep this sample sentence of my paper: be it Cole Porter’s hit of “Night and Day”, or the African spiritual, “Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego”.
    Matt says:
    ahhaha
    Matt says:
    i dont get either of those refs
    Matt says:
    must be awesome
    bily brainclean says:
    i actually also say “the oral tradition of music”
    bily brainclean says:
    guess what doyle, music is now an oral tradition
    Matt says:
    sweet
    Matt says:
    i agree
    bily brainclean says:
    its like saying the visual tradition of looking at things
    Matt says:
    that snap, crackles AND pops!
    bily brainclean says:
    i hate “this”
    bily brainclean says:
    “this?”
    bily brainclean says:
    “this— us”
    Matt says:
    “you don’t understand me.”
    Matt says:
    “we used to mean something.”
    Matt says:
    “we used to be a we. but we’re not anymore.”
    Matt says:
    “i’m sorry, bilyana. I need to be free. Like the song says, babe, if you love somebody…”
    Matt says:
    “Oh god…set them free?”
    Matt says:
    “It’s for the best.”
    Matt says:
    “I will always cherish everything we had, Doyle.”
    Matt says:
    “I know yuo will, babe. I know you will.”
    bily brainclean says:
    “I just… I donno”
    bily brainclean says:
    “what?”
    bily brainclean says:
    “were we ever a we?”
    bily brainclean says:
    “what do you mean?”
    bily brainclean says:
    “i just mean… hell i don’t kno[w.. even at the best of times, were we ever a we?”
    bily brainclean says:
    “sure we were, you know that”
    bily brainclean says:
    “i guess”
    bily brainclean says:
    “whats with the tone?”
    Matt says:
    “have you been listening to lee again?”
    Matt says:
    “i know he tries to feed you that shit.”
    Matt says:
    “that i’m no good. that i never loved you. well it ain’t true, babe. IT AINT TRUE.”
    Matt says:
    *Matt grabs Bilyana’s chin, pulls her closer
    Matt says:
    “We WERE real,” screams Matt, spittle splashing poetically upon her face. She likes it there, wishes it could be tehre forever…maybe one day…during sex.
    Matt says:
    But it will not.
    Matt says:
    The love is over.
    Matt says:
    Matt has moved on.
    Matt says:
    Bilyana sits, dejected, rejected. Alone.
    bily brainclean says:
    Matt says:
    Matt has moved on.
    Matt says:
    The next three months of Bilyana’s life went normally. Well, to the outside world they were. But to her—goign to work, going to school, even seeing friends at times— it was all a put-on. Designed. It was for him, only for him.
    Matt says:
    Look at me, she was saying. I am fine. I am fine without yuo.
    Matt says:
    But Bilyana was not fine without Matt Doyle
    Matt says:
    No woman would be.
    bily brainclean says:
    Sometimes she’d go to the park, sit on her favourite rock even, just think for awhile to mull it over. A body can get mighty lonesome out there on the rock.
    bily brainclean says:
    “Why can’t I just die?”
    bily brainclean says:
    she thought
    bily brainclean says:
    A shadow fell over her blocking the sun. She looked up, her heart skipping a beat. “Doyle?”
    bily brainclean says:
    “Hey you… you there. Its me. Doyle.”
    bily brainclean says:
    A grin crossed his face
    bily brainclean says:
    “Here I am”
    Matt says:
    “Where have you been?”
    Matt says:
    “The ends of the earth, my love…I mean, babe.”
    Matt says:
    He described his trip to China. The young boy he befriended, loved—the boy who was murdered viciously while Matt sat idle, unable to intervene.
    Matt says:
    He wandered after that. Without purpose. Without hope.
    bily brainclean says:
    Bilyana looked up at him, “Wow. So I guess you could say you’ve seen alot, hey?”
    bily brainclean says:
    “Yeah, I mean. I guess you could say that.”
    bily brainclean says:
    They sat, their backs to the rock, silent for a long while watching the last strains of sunshine fall across the park.
    bily brainclean says:
    Bilyana looked to Matt, “Hey fella…. lets go home.”
    bily brainclean says:
    It was a long time since Matt had heard those words. He squinted, looking over the street.
    bily brainclean says:
    “I’d…. I’d like that”.
    Matt says:
    They walked home together, to Bilyana’s house. It was the same house they had spent a Christmas together. That year of the storm, the phone lines down, the power down, with nothing but their bodies for warmth.
    Matt says:
    As they walked, they held hands, fingers crisscrossing.
    Matt says:
    Bilyana looked forward. She did not want to let on.
    Matt says:
    This was what she had been hoping for. This was everythign she had ever dreamt of.
    Matt says:
    Matt Doyle was re-entering her life.
    Matt says:
    It was bliss, pure bliss.
    Matt says:
    Stepping inside her apartment, Matt breathed in deeply. It still smelled the same. Memories of nights, mornings, days washed over him. There was Bilyana, wearing his old Portishead t-shirt, making eggs. There was Bilyana, wearing his old Our Lady Peace t-shirt, making fried egg sandwiches. And there was Bilyana, laughing at an episode of Accordign to Jim, together.
    bily brainclean says:
    After Matt walked out of her life, his loved rucksack slung carelessly over his right shoulder, Bilyana felt that aching loss in her life. She’d wake up to the gentle encouragement of the morning sun, only to be smacked to her feet by the heavy palm of reality. His absence felt like walking through a void… walking…by yourself.
    bily brainclean says:
    It was around this time that Bilyana picked up her addiction to crack cocaine. Matt failed to find a subletter so she was forced to take her addiction to the streets, beckoning into the eyes of onlookers.
    bily brainclean says:
    She was hungry, always searching for that angry fix, dragging herself through negro streets at dawn. Angelheaded hipsters leaving the trendy locale, Jupiter Room would scowl at her derelict form, shuffling up and down the wet paving stones covered in morning dew, spilt beer, and bitter tears.
    Matt says:
    She had been with anyone who paid–be it in money or product. She had even been with Lee. Bilyana worried if Matt had heard about this, what it would do to him. He had always been the jealous type. He has once vowed to murder any man she would sleep with. Well, it looked like he was goign to have a lot of murdering to do.
    Matt says:
    Lee and Matt had been friends. Lee had introduced the two of them (been cursed because of this by both of them after the break-up, been praised becasue of this, before the break-up)
    Matt says:
    But now, he was just one of the many. One of the many claws pulling Bilyana deeper and deeper into a pit of despair
    Matt says:
    But wait. She woudl be in the pit no longer.
    Matt says:
    Matt was back. He was there, beside her. Her and him, together, the we had been re-instated.
    Matt says:
    They looked deeply into each other’s eyes.
    Matt says:
    Was it real? they both wondered simultaneously.
    Matt says:
    Could love like this truly exist, truly span time?
    Matt says:
    The kiss told them that yes, yes it could.
    Matt says:
    The kiss told them that the love was eternal. Their love was powerful. Their love was all they needed.
    Matt says:
    Their hands soon found their way, as hands are wont to do with one’s lovers, to the bodies.
    bily brainclean says:
    “Matt are these lesions?”

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