By Max Hartshorn

Are you a hack?

If you answered yes to this question then you are probably not a hack. You are likely a genuinely funny individual who has chosen to answer this way in an effort to a) portray modesty and b) showcase your ‘sarcastic wit,’ in which you immediately say the opposite of what people expect you to say. Proper form, although nobody else is listening. (In fact if your so funny, why don’t you write this article? mmm? thought so.) Anyways, given that it is logically impossible for any reader of this article to be a hack, what follows is a step by step guide to simple comedic hackery.

You may ask why, if every human just wants to be happy, is there so much conflict and sadness in this world. However that is not the purpose of this article. Its purpose is to guide you in the art becoming slightly less funny.

1) Make jokes. Really funny people don’t make jokes, they make observations, witticisms and obscure references to things non-funny people haven’t heard of. A great way to tell if you’re making a joke is to attach a tag to it and see if it fits. A tag can be anything from a generic ehhh? to a personal catch phrase such as eyyhh or whaeyyy. Any basic guttural sound will do. If the tag fits, it’s a joke. Example:

“Hey I’m not a racist, my wife’s got two black eyes – whaeyy” – joke

“Gentlemen, set your phasers to pun – hoohah!” – not a joke (a combination reference / witticism with a dash of meta thrown in)

(tip: if you do accidently drop a j-bomb, ad a j/k at the end. This shows people that you knew you were making a joke and were in fact were being ironic about it)

2) Be random. Randomness was funny in 7th grade / 1998 but is now no longer funny.

Banana. See.

3) Dull your sensibilities. This one’s also simple: watch movies and TV shows that are only slightly funny, below the standard you are traditionally accustomed to. Eventually you will find these things funny, not in a shit your piss way, but in a nice hearty ha! sort of way.

The same goes for your friends. Surround yourself with a network of only mildly funny people. First you will attempt to lord your comedic prowess over them with all the confidence of a latter day Maxim Gorky. However you’ll soon realize your comedic talents have withered away to nothing more than knee-jerk sarcasm and pointless Soviet pop-culture references. As a bonus you will eventually come to see humor as more than a means of social validation / advancement.

4) Everybody has to like you. Abraham Lincoln said, “you can please some people all of the time and you can please all the people some of the time, but you can’t please all the people all the time”. He’s also dead and on the fucking penny. In order to be a successful hack you must go out of your way to make sure you please everybody, all the time. This does not mean that you can’t be offensive, or go a little scat every know and then. Everybody likes that.

The trick is to spread yourself out thin and never go against what anyone says. If you do manage to joke in a way that could be interpreted as offensive, immediately backtrack and apologize like the pussy you are. (You are a pussy right? Good, just making sure).

It is essential to play it safe because every time you leave the room your entire group of friends goes tribal council on you and reevaluates your standing within said group. This effect, like most of the subtleties of life, is more visible when high.

5) Be overly personal / self deprecating. News flash! It is logically impossible to prove that your mind is not the only thing that exists. Therefor it is logically impossible to prove that you are not the most worthwhile thing in the universe. So why not make jokes only about the minute details of your personal experience?

or what about your future personal experience?…

…One day you’re in Phili, doing a set at the Chuckle Sector. You launch into a bit on cellphones, ’cause I mean what’s with them? You bide your time with one liners until the audience is in the right mood. Finally, when the timing’s just right, you drop it: “What’s the deal with buttons on my cellphone, I mean like, I already have buttons on my shirt, suhhwingg”. A man in the audience yells “HACK!”

Fuck yeah.


3 responses to “HOW TO BE A HACK

  1. You know who isnt a hack?

    The guy who wrote this!

  2. This shit is my fav maybe

  3. who are you, really, max

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