By MATT DOYLE
What’s up? Cool? Good.
I was just on the internet the other day, frittering away some time (don’t tell my boss) when I decided to see what all you guys are up to. Personally, I like to keep a low, low profile on the web. Now that’s just the choice of humble old me. All you guys, on the other hand, sure don’t shy away from a bit of self-promotion! No way.
I just wanted to let you all know, from one Matt Doyle to another, that we can do better. We can and we must do better. We may have an incredibly common name, but that doesn’t mean we have to act common.
It’s not that I don’t love what you’re doing—I do—it’s just that you can all strive for something a little bit better. Something a bit more like…oh, I don’t know…first thing that comes to mind…be a bit more like Matt Doyle. I know I set the bar a little high and, if you guys want to check out my way past page 10 standing on a Google search for “Matt Doyle”, my incredibly humble self doesn’t even feel the need to brag about how high that bar is, despite my many accomplishments as a Matt Doyle. I don’t want the glory, like you guys. I do, however, want the respect. And I do love our name. I love it. And it’s time you guys start loving it too. We’re all in this together, after all.
To Matt Doyle #1: Congratulations, you made number one! All those many nights of clicking on your home page then deleting your cache then re-clicking on your homepage sure paid off. It bumped you up to first result! Wonder how you figured out that scheme? (I smell a bit of the old Tools–Internet Options—Clear History for you-know-what!) Good effort! I do appreciate that you are an artist. That’s good for Matt Doyles. Great Samantha Mumba portrait.
To Matt Doyle #2: Hey, do you live in the state of VIRGINia?
Because you’re a web designer.
You’re not really helping us with the ladies, I gotta say. Unlike Matt Doyle #1 you do not believe in the power of the image. Or words. You speak in code. What are you hiding in that code? Shame? Perhaps…It is unnecessary to speak in code, my friend. Be proud of who you are. You are a wonderful, beautiful Matt Doyle.
Matt Doyle #3 + #4- So the other day I woke up alone, made some toast, watched a bit of Regis and Kelly (or if I had my way, Kelly and Regis) before settling in for my day on the computer. Thought I’d check in with all of you guys, see how high you’re all holding the torch when I see this: the same Matt Doyle is glory-hogging spots 3 and 4. Now, as I’ve said many times before, I am incredibly humble and don’t pay any mind to my ranking on Google but really do you really need the 3rd AND 4th spot? And you got there in such a sleazy way. You are the Ben Johnson of Matt Doyles. Oh sure, look all cute and Mennonite playing the Floyd Landis innocent card but nobody believes you.
So you have a great job. You hire interns for Joseph Lieberman. That is a great job and it really lends Matt Doyles quite a lot of clout around the world. You’re high up there man! So why sink so low? And for what? Just to push me down a few results on Google? Sure, it doesn’t matter to me, it doesn’t, I’m humble, but it just seems unnecessary. And to take a young girl’s career with you? For shame. What, you ask, did Matt Doyle do?
Check it: He slept with the interns he hired. Poor poor Jessica Cutler. Now her name is dragged around the blogosphere and demeaned as a slut. Well, who can blame her for sleeping with a Matt Doyle in such a high position? Unless this is a joint master internet search result scheme going on between the two of you. Well then, for shame again on Matt Doyle. Jessica is now the number one Google Jessica Cutler, while you still sit below a self-obsessed Irish painter and a web designer who wears a helmet to cross the road. And then our good name is also dragged thru the mud on Cutler’s blog when she says things like a fellow intern “thinks MD is as big of a chump as I do”. Who can be proud of being Matt Doyle after all of that? I’m not a chump and I resent the implication you’ve caused to be showered upon our good name. Personally of course I don’t actually care, I don’t pay mind to these things, but the other Matt Doyles, those other poor Matt Doyles who can only aspire to live up to the heights of modesty I’ve set are dealt a crushing blow to their egos by this online insult.
Matt Doyle #4. After the Matt Doyle Clinton, there are a bunch of athletes—jockeys, tennis players and football players. Then comes to one of the most inexplicably high-ranked Matt Doyles there is. It’s a MySpace page for a 22 year old who sullies the whole Matt Doyleverse with his tasteless personal quote “Breathe in, exhale, you know you taste like cancer.” Not me, Matt Doyle. Not me. I taste like success. I taste like the realized potential of a Matt Doyle. You think you can coast on simply being a Matt Doyle. You’re like Will in that episode of Fresh Prince when Aunt Viv is teaching African-American history and he just wears a Malcolm X t-shirt and assumes he knows what’s what without even earning it. Well, Viv taught Will to learn his history just like I hope to teach all you other Matt Doyles your Matt Doyle History. You act all high-and-mighty just because you’re a Matt Doyle, without knowing all the struggles that Matt Doyles have gone through before and what it took, what the many sacrifices of Matt Doyles like myself did for you, Matt Doyle. How many shitty jobs I’ve had, how many times I’ve been dumped, how many apartments I’ve been evicted from, how many times I’ve had to wear and rewear the same pair of underwear going back and forth from regular to inside-out because I can’t afford laundry all so you could go on to some hip internet site and make blithe comments that only serve to knock me down a few pegs on the Google search results.
And you know what else I want to say to you other Matt Doyles, but specifically the one who got to go on stage when Spring Awakening, the show he’s an actor in, won a Tony? I don’t care. I never even wanted a Tony. While the other Matt Doyles probably get green with envy I just get grey with indifference (or maybe Grey like Grey Gardens, a far superior show that should have swept the Tonys!) I own the Showboat, Ragtime, Phantom, Joseph and Rent soundtracks because I can appreciate a good tune and magnificent Broadway voices. I don’t need the spotlight. I’m happy enough, content to simply be a Matt Doyle. I don’t need to be the one to buy up the good Matt Doyle web addresses or try to follow my dreams. My dream is to be Matt Doyle. What?That isn’t good enough for you guys?
If you all can’t just pull yourselves together and start acting like the great Matt Doyles you all are then maybe none of you deserve this name. Maybe we’ll flip a coin and see who gets to keep the name: Matt Doyle or Matt Doyle. Because you guys sure as hell aren’t doing enough to prevent my embarrassment when I meet girls who are (not to flatter myself) clearly interested in Matt Doyle and I tell them to “Google me” and all they see are paintings of the Corrs and then I’m forced to come up with stories about how I used to date one of the members of the Corrs before I got that job at the Lieberman campaign and then suddenly there I am, the person who never insults anybody (because of all this humility), being forced to call Ms. Cutler what everybody else is calling her! Slut!
…But I can’t stay mad at her, oh no, the real anger is directed at you, Matt Doyle. All you Matt Doyles. What are you doing to our beautiful name? It’s oh so beautiful, Matt Doyle. Your name: Ma-ett-Doy-ull: the tip of the tongue taking a trip of one step down the palate to tap, twice, on the teeth. But it’s trash now. If I cared about this sort of thing I’d be incredibly angry. Or maybe I’ll just write a fantastic new Broadway show about how a real Matt Doyle should behave and then I’ll sweep the Tonys in the writing, directing and acting categories. And I’ll intentionally not cast Matt Doyle as Matt Doyle because this Matt Doyle will play Matt Doyle. And the show will have nothing to do with being the mayor of Texas City because that’s just not something this Matt Doyle is interested in. I’m happy with who I am.