By Jasper Wren
The profits will be endless. If you invest, you will all become billionaires. The product will sell millions of units. I’ve got a sponsorship deal in the works with the Harlem Globetrotters, guaranteeing that the product is given wide exposure and in turn guaranteeing high, high profits. All it will take is a just a tiny bit of investment on your parts.
As for me…What do I want? What will I become? Why, the status alone will be profit enough for me. I will be the Hugh Hefner of this generation. Women and men will be clamoring to get a piece of me. They will all be wondering, how does he do it? How am I so successful?
I do it by being the inventor of a product that will revolutionize the world. I do it by being a user of that product as well.
Let’s cut to the chase:
I fuck globes.
Backtrack a bit, rewind the old cassette, return to the first inning. Batter up. What exactly am I talking about? Globes? You mean those things from high school geography class?! Doesn’t sound exactly like something you’d want to get intimate with now, does it? What could I be talking about? Let me set the scene.
We’ve all had lonely nights. I’ll be the first to admit that. Romance is sometimes just nowhere to be found. Heck, friendship is nowhere to be found as well. Your job just ain’t cutting it. You’ve hit the skids, down in the dumps, face down in a pile of the freshest stuff God himself could eke out of his two holy cheeks. It seems like the whole world is out to get you. Maybe you feel like Atlas, holding the planet up on your shoulders.
But then let’s change that scene. Let’s make that big old world cry uncle, let’s make that big old world seem a lot less intimidating. Take the planet off your shoulders, and put it somewhere a little bit lower. Let’s introduce you to a brand new product. Something that will satisfy you in a variety of areas. It will make you more attractive to the opposite sex. It will make you more confident in the workplace. It will make you the type of person everyone is jealous of.
Globes you can fuck.
What’s that you say? Heard enough? You don’t believe in snake oil. No thanks, you don’t need to buy that piece of the Brooklyn Bridge. Nigerian king or not, you will never give money to Africa.
Well, Cynical Sammy, sorry to disappoint, but this product is no disappointment.
I have invented Fuckable Globes. That’s right: the earth in a fuckable form.
They’re personalized too! Let’s say you want to really give it to your hometown, the place that held you back for so long; or maybe you’d love to serve a good old fashioned reaming to the city that stole the World Series from your favourite ball club; or perhaps you’re like me and you hate all of Africa. We can personalize where we place the entrance. We place that hole exactly where you want to penetrate. Suddenly the world’s not out to getcha, you’re out to get the world.
But, Doctor! Doctor! you say. I just don’t understand what your product is. I just don’t see how this could improve my life so much!
Well, Inquisitive Ira, let’s solve that little conundrum, shall we?
It will make you more confident. After all, who could be more confident than the man who made love to the entire planet last night? Oh, that’s right: the man who went out back behind the shed and had his way with the spherical home to all of humanity, that’s who! Only you will be able to say that your orgasm was an event of globally catastrophic proportions. The world will literally revolve around you.
Confidence like that will make you more attractive to women, more productive in the workplace, and just an all around more content human being. I mean, look at me. You could pass on this product today (although, why would you?) and I’ll walk right out that door, back to my house, grab myself my trusty globe, maybe sweet talk it a bit then before you can say Global Warming, I’ll have the planet, each and every one of you, especially you there, actually hanging off of me. It won’t exactly make a world of difference to me if you pass. I’ll be benefiting from this product no matter what. My goal, my mission, is to let everyone else benefit as well.
What do you mean, Rand McNally really doesn’t do this sort of thing? You guys aren’t in the money-making business? Well the Terra-Eros train is leaving town.