MY INTERVIEW WITH ACTOR JEFF GOLDBLUM CONDUCTED ON THE JOB AT LENORO SALES


By MAX HARTSHORN

Me: Hello can I speak with Mr. Jeffery Goldblum?

G: Who is this?

Me: My name is Max Hartshorn. I spoke with you at that party last weekend about doing an interview with Thendofallthings, like an e-zine blog sort of thing.

G: What party, I don’t remember any party?

Me: We’ll I’m not surprised, you were pretty wasted that night if I may say—

G: How did you get this number?

Me: Your press agent gave it to me—(finger snapping)—what’s her name, starts with a—just—give—me—one—second I’m gonna pull her up on my contacts list. Now let’s see, rec—recent correspondences this must be—no that’s not it—just let me try ooonnne more th—

G: Steve! His name’s Steve.

Me: Yes! Of course! Well Steve gave me your number and told me to call you anytime on Wednesday between the hours of 1:00 and 4:00 to conduct the uhh aforementioned whathaveyou.

G: Okay well make it fast kid, I have a bowel movement-I-I mean pilates lesson planned for 3:30.

Me: So tell us about your new television series, Raines.

G: Well it’s been cancelled, heh-heh, for starters, after umm 7 episodes.

Me: Do I smell a cult-classic in the making? Possibly a special edition DVD?

G: Ha. I guess anything’s possible.

Me: Could you give a little synopsis maybe, for our readers?

G: Well I play Michael Raines, an LAPD detective with a rather unusual way of solving crimes.

Me: I’ll say.

G: He has this sort of supernatural ability which allows him to hallucinate conversations with murder victims, and these conversations give Raines clues which essentially help solve the crime.

Me: Sounds pretty out there, even for network television.

G: Well there’ve been a number of shows such as Medium and Six Feet Under that deal with communication from beyond the grave so we’re just building off that. All this of course stems from the much larger genre of Bangasian Fantasy. Mandy Patinkin’s done some great work on Dead Like Me which I found to be—

Me: So does your show have any tag lines?

G: Most T.V. shows try and stay away from tag lines these days as they tend to sound a bit hack.

Me: Well I’ve got a couple.

G: Let’s hear ’em, I guess.

Me: ‘Raines: Is he crazy? Or is the rest of the world crazy, and maybe he’s the only sane one out there.’

G: You really want a tag line to be concise and catchy.

Me: How about: ‘When it Raines, it pours.’

G: That’s good but it doesn’t really have anything to do with the actual premise of the show.

Me: How about: ‘Raines: We wont be reigning in the ratings, but when it comes to critical appraisal—

G: Okay now-heh-okay. That’s—that’ll do-heh-as they in the industry.

Me: So I hear you have a new movie in the works, something about a Holocaust-surviving clown?

G: Well sort of. It’s based on an excellent novel by Yoram Kaniuk who is, in my opinion at least, the best Israeli author writing today. It’s a truly powerful tale of redemption through hu—

Me: I’ve prepared some tag lines for this as well, achem—

G: Oh, no no no. Please, God, don’t—

Me: Yeah maybe it’s best we skip them, I think we’re running a bit short on time.

G: Good idea.

Me: So there’s a lot of strife goin’ on in Israel isn’t there.

G: Of course it’s a very tense situation now, what with the unrest in Gaza.

Me: Lot’s of guns, bombs—knives.

G: Yes I find the brutality there truly disheartening.

Me: Do you own a knife yourself?

G: What?! What the hell kind of question is that?! I-I’m a peaceful man. I want your readers to know I don’t advocate violence in any form!

Me: Ha ha! Mr. Goldblum! Hurting people is not the only thing you can do with knives!

G: ?!

Me: A good set of blades can come in handy in almost any occasion, from trimming the hedges to whipping up a delicious Spanish Omelette. Tell me sir, when was the last time you purchased a good set of knives?

G: Well it was about two years ago, Michael Douglas and I—wait a second, what is this?!

Me: I ask you this because Lenoro is offering an excellent deal for a set of kitchen knives, after only two easy payments of 29.95 you could be the proud owner of—

G: I don’t need a set of knives. And even if I did I’m rich, I wouldn’t need to buy them from you. I’d go to a special rich people store, where they sell rich people knives that aren’t even knives at all but high powered lasers that can slice bread and toast it at the same time.

Me: Funny you should say that because our new Argon Series 5 has just hit the market. It utilizes the latest in quantum-atomic laser techno—

G: Come on now.

Me: Okay, fine. But we have really good knives.

G: I’m sure you do, it’s just I’m not interested.

Me: I think I’m gonna go ahead and put you down for two sets. And now, listen to this, only because you’re Jeff Goldblum I’m going to throw in a stainless steel sharpener for half off.

G: No!

Me: Okay, sure, I overstepped my bounds and I can recognize that. Let’s just get back to the interview shall we?

G: Mrrmmrrm.

Me: Now, our readers are just dying to know, what is you credit card number?

(click)

Advertisements

One response to “MY INTERVIEW WITH ACTOR JEFF GOLDBLUM CONDUCTED ON THE JOB AT LENORO SALES

  1. Bilyana Ilievska

    LOOOL fuck this is funny. i’m not even trying on comments anymore. just putting a LOL and leaving it at that.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s