I’M NOT GETTING ANOTHER ABORTION

By EVAN MILLAR

Baby, you know how committed I am to making this work. I love you so much, incalculably, more than I love love itself, which is a lot. My love for you is matched only by yours for me, which, albeit a subtler love, expressed seldomly and less verbally, is still crafted by our very heavens. There is strength in silence, or so I am told. And so your love for me must be the strongest there is, or so I tell myself.

 

I agree that we must have an equal and balanced relationship; that it is absolutely necessary for our survival as an integrated, loving unit. We must both shoulder burdens and responsibilities must be divided, this too I agree with. I also appreciate and respect your opinion that we should not be upholding the patriarchal norms of sexist biology. To an extent. However, when you claim that we must set the standards for a science that has yet to catch up to our progressive minds, that much I cannot agree with. I’ve had enough. I’m not getting another abortion.

 

Its not that I refuse to get another abortion. I understand that an outright refusal is a hypermasculine chauvinist impulse that turns a relationship into a sexist dicktatorship. So in the interest of making our relationship a realationship based on trust and acceptance, I have decided to phrase it as such: I would prefer not to have another abortion. We will work around your work schedule, spin class, Grey’s Anatomy. You will not have to miss a night on the town with the girls. You will not have to go if you are having a migraine—the pain of a headache is enough, to add to that pain the pain of an abortion would be insurmountable. But at some point in your free time, I would like for you to visit Doctor Melloon. So far every time you have been impregnated, it is I alone who has paid the price. In the interest of fairness, its your turn.


In case you think that I am being unfair, I have carefully outlined some of the reasons why I do not want another abortion:

1. It hurts.

 

It really hurts. All the scraping is so unpleasant. Its terrible. Its feels like my stomach is being run over by a ten ton truck that is delivering pure pain which crashes right into me and all the pain cargo spills in my insides. No, I’m not exaggerating. You’ve never even got one, so you have no idea. And Dr. Melloon never uses anesthetic because it will “hurt the baby”, which doesn’t even make sense and is just one of a thousand things that point to his incompetence.

 

You suggested that I “just suck it up and take it like a man”. Duly noted. I know that sometimes my reticence and lack of confidence leads you to question my manliness, which in turn forces me to question my own. Eager to play the role of the stoic husband I try to grin it and bear it. No I’m not gay. I have tried and tried but I have had enough. I know I’m in the right this time.

Which brings me to my next point:

2. Men can’t have abortions. Sorry if that is sexist, but its true.

3. Its not safe.

Next time we are at The Clinic, take a close look at the surroundings. A penknife to me does not seem like an appropriate tool for such a delicate procedure. There are only two working lightbulbs and no windows. There is no sink. There is a distinct smell of mold and fecal matter. The rats are frightening and unsanitary.

4. I’m not even sure it works. Each time I have had an abortion, you have had a baby.

5. I don’t think he is a real doctor.

I’m serious. If he is a real doctor, where are his certified credentials’? What the hell is a Ph.T? I don’t even know what he takes out of me every time I have the operation. I think he takes little pieces of my liver and sells them to perverts. Well what else could he be doing with them? Its disgusting; the thought of all those perverts out there, feasting on pieces of my liver, masturbating. Look, I’m sure there are people who get off on eating little pieces of uncooked human liver. I would know. Don’t ask me how I would know, I just know. No I did not try to buy my liver from the doctor. Why would I want to do that? No, for the last time, I am not a pervert!

6. I have suspicions that this child isn’t mine. I know that this a subject that risks upsetting our couples harmony and so I will not accuse you of anything outright. I am willing to listen to and accept any legitimate reasoning you will give me. Now hear me out. No please, hear me out. Its been eight months since you have agreed to have sex with me. I’m not sure, but I think this means you have had sex with someone who isn’t me. If this is the case, it signals dangerous things for our relationship. Our precious equilibrium has been offset in favor of you, the whore, and away from me, the loving husband who would do anything for you. I will not abort a child I had no part in fathering.

Whose is it

I’m serious

who

give me a name

if he’s so great then why don’t you ask him to get an abortion for you and see what he does he’d probably slap you and you’d like it

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