P.R. MAN TRIES TO SALVAGE REPUTATION OF LOCAL BOARDING SCHOOL

By EVAN MILLAR

You guys are making too big a deal out of this whole “implications” thing. If you take away the context—which most people will forget within five or ten years anyway– then “YOUR CHILD IS IN OUR HANDS” is a great slogan for your boarding school.

 

From a marketing standpoint it is great: it lets parents know that their child is being cared for and looked after. People get nervous shipping their kids off to live in strange environments. It can be very unsafe sometimes – you guys read the papers– and this campaign will help to assure parents that your school is one worth trusting. I know that the recent molestation charges against some of your staff members might lend a bit of unsavory colour to the otherwise blemish-free apple that is my idea, but if we can all look past this for just a moment, you’ll see that what I am giving you here is more than an advertising slogan. Its a motto that your school can take to its grave. Just like the traditional latin ones: Amor vincit omnia.

 

I sense hesitation. You believe it will too likely remind the public of the events you would like us all to forget. This is unfortunate. No reason to cancel Christmas just because Jolly Old Saint Nick over there prefers the elves to Mrs. Claus. My apologies, Mr. Nicholas. I appreciate that you have recently come under some hard times, I really do. Or did you recently come hard for unders some times, which was it? Seriously though, I do not mean to make light of the situation. But let’s get honest here: Let he who is without sin resist a good joke.

 

And since I am seemingly the only person in this room who has never dingled a child, I think its high time you lot did your shares of resisting.

 

Back to beeswax: are we sticking with ‘No’ for option one? Thats totally fine. There’s plenty more to choose from.

 

“WE ARE BEHIND YOUR CHILD”

 

Yes, I understand that now, but I really think its subtle enough that it shouldn’t be a problem. Most people won’t even pick up on the connotation. Sure, it sounds obvious to you guys, but you gotta remember that you are coming at this from a particular vantage point. As molesters, you are predisposed to hearing the sick underlying meanings of sentences. To be honest I was kind of proud of that one. I thought it was clever how I slipped in that reference but if you don’t like it, BAM, its gone. After all, you guys are the experts on slipping it in.

 

Ouch. Remember folks, I’m not the one who’s on trial here.

 

Ok. Alright. Here it is, I got it:

 

“WE’VE TOUCHED YOUR CHILD.”

 

Spiritually. Emotionally. Boarding school can be a life-changing endeavor for youth. They need to be able to look back on their time at your school with fond memories. Lasting impressions ironed onto their minds. You guys have already tried one approach of creating lasting impressions, and I suppose it worked. Those children are not likely to forget their experience at Broadview anytime soon. But your angle was what might be considered “Negative” or “Immoral”. “Illegal”. “Disgusting”. We need to try to work the “positive” angle by developing a healthy academic environment of trust, comradeship and conviction. The good kind of conviction.

 

I’m thinking we go to T.V.–really get it out there. Envision this: Wide angle shot of the outside of the premises–bird’s eye view– looking right at the school. We get a zoom on one of the windows. Then we get inside that window. It’s a child’s bedroom. The kid is sound asleep in his bed, looking vulnerable. Cut to the stairwell. Now it shouldn’t be black and white per se, but dark—I’m talking real dark to give it a Hitchcock feel. String music in minor mode plays jarring chords as a shadowy figure ascends the stairwe—Oh come on hear me out you don’t even know where its going! Yes, it does end with the shadowy figure forcibly entering the young boy’s room and violently ravishing him while the boy nearly perishes in an uncontrollable fit of terror. But that’s not the point, the important thing is the sweeping compression shot I have planned out for that child’s face when he sees the horrifying sight of his history teacher undoing his belt. I’ve been waiting my entire career to use this shot. I tell you, if there were Oscars for advertisements, this would be a shoe-in.

 

Well how about this one then. Its simple, true and to the point:

 

“WITH ALL THE MEDIA ATTENTION WE’VE BEEN RECEIVING LATELY, IT WILL LIKELY BE AT LEAST ANOTHER TEN YEARS BEFORE WE MOLEST AGAIN. ”

 

No? Nothing to do with molestation, eh? You sure? And you guys are dead set on that? Well, you really have to give me something to work with then, because right now the molestation angle is the only one I got. To be honest, it’s all I know about you. So you drank from the fountain of youth, who really cares? Incidentally, I care—I think its fucking disgusting what you did and my thirst for your burning in hell is only sated by the knowledge that your afterlife will most definitely see an eternity of pain—but come on, its a catchy slogan! I’m tossing you guys nuggets of gold here and you lot are letting them sift right out of the pan and flow downriver because you’re looking for copper.

 

You people are taking the wrong approach entirely.

 

Let me tell you all about a man named Terry Fox. Terry Fox was an athlete. He was a tremendous athlete, but a disabled one. Now, when he ran all across Canada to raise money for cancer in the Marathon of Hope, did he hide his disability? Did he wear one of those phony legs that make it look normal? No. Well actually yes, he have a fake leg, but it was purely functional…he wasn’t trying to trick anyone so it doesn’t count. And he became a national hero. People, the point I’m trying to make here is this: go with your strengths. Don’t try to cover up, you will end up plummeting in the esteem of all. Stay strong. Stay who you are. People may not like you, they may not forgive you, they may not vote “not guilty” at your trial, but they will respect you. Well, actually they probably won’t respect you because you’ve committed an unforgiveable crime that no amount of mar–

 

I’m fired? No, you’re fired, child-fuckers.

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