ANIMALS THAT DESERVE TO DIE

by EDWARD PETRENKO

Nature, by its very, uh, essence, is a cruel, savage, merciless, last-cookie-stealing bastard. It’s got absolutely no tact – it’ll hang out with you, then date your ex-girlfriend without telling you. Nature, in the span of one conversation, once managed to insult my mother, dismiss Darfur, and repeat my own joke as if it was its own. Nature, this one time, even tried to slip this girl at this party GHB – my buddy Josh found out about it, and totally laid a whompdown on it, though. In all seriousness, nature is a total wad.

So, when I say that the following animals deserve complete and total annihilation, it’s not to say that it’s me who hates their guts. I mean that they simply don’t have the chops to hack it in this uncaring, libertarian-voting world. Also, I may, in some vague, roundabout way, personally hate some of them. In any case, after repeated viewings of Planet Earth, I’ve got a pretty balanced view of all lifeforms on this angry, angry globe, and so presented for you are the Jimmy Carters of the natural world.

Tiny Dogs. Whose idea were these things? I guess it makes some sense as a guard dog, in that a small dog gives you all the barking, alarm-raising ability of a big dog, but with half the poop. But, at the same time, any intruder who is stopped by a Chihuahua is not destined to be an intruder for very long. Also, people who own small dogs tend to be the human equivalents of these tiny breeds, completely incapable of opening a pickle jar, let alone interrupting a burglary in any meaningful way. You know what, people who own small dogs? You just got added to the list.

Panda Bears. Panda bears have evolved to eat only the shittiest bamboo shoots, which grow only in the shittiest part of China, and provide the shittiest milk to raise their babies, which are the laziest, weakest things in the animal kingdom. Yet, because they’re pretty, they always get the most attention from conservationists. They’re like the absolutely wretched girl who’s popular because her tits always point true north. You know the type – pretty since kindergarten, so they never had to learn any social skills or talents? This one, Julia, god, what a bitch. No joy anywhere except in manipulation, and you know she never had a pimple. I hope you’re still into Sylvia Plath, Julia, because you’re on the list.

Flies That Constantly Bump Into The Venetian Blinds. God, shut up already! Fly somewhere else – what, are you eating the blinds or something? Jesus! I can’t sleep ‘cause your wings keep hitting the blinds, amplifying your buzz, like some pretentious noise rock band. Seriously – who loves noise rock so much that they need to make a band devoted to it? It’s not a style, it’s a joke on everyone involved – audience, band, and society included. I can’t wait for forty years from now, when your eardrums all wither up like sundried fruit, and your shitty musical tastes keep you from hearing any music at all. Noise rock bands, you deserve extinction.

Brad. I forget your last name, but fuck it – you don’t deserve one. We were best friends all through grade 7 – why’d you start to pick on me? Was it your chain-smoking parents? Did you green hair dye poison your mind some? Oh, wait, that’s right, you’re just an asshole. Who yells out (in grade 7, no less) that their tiny best friend has a crush on the popular girl in school? Fuck, I barely had pubes – I couldn’t have dealt with it even if she liked me, which she never would’ve. I’m glad I shoved you down that time in music class, and I hope nature sends, like, a volcano like the one we made for science class to end your stupid jerk butt.

Well, that’s the list for now – stay tuned for frequent updates. It’s sad, and one can’t help but feel sympathy for these poorly adapted, fragile individuals, but nature, red in tooth and claw, will reap us all yet. The best we can do is to isolate ourselves from our environment, and become as self-sufficient as possible, because anything we depend on will die, or worse, take us down with it. It’s a vicious steak buffet, but incredibly satisfying to those of us unafraid to adapt – except Brad, even if he could.

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