with Edward Petrenko
You’re probably wondering what’s gotten my goat. Well, lemme tell you – totalitarianism turns up in the least likely places. Erie, Pennsylvania – a funny thing happened to me while attending a recent family reunion. We ran out of tonic water, so I went to the grocery store to get some more – upstanding member of society that I am. As I’m standing there in line, I glance over at the magazine rack – more specifically, the Marie Claire. “Reese Witherspoon’s hot summer bod” – now, I’m only human here, people, so I go in for a closer look.
Now, as far as I know, erections predate laws. I haven’t done any research on it – yet – but I’m pretty sure that a healthy, natural erection fits in better with Mother Nature’s scheme than do Big Brother’s hired goons, the police. But that sure didn’t stop them from slapping me and my erection with a hefty, war-funding fine for something as absurd as “Being Visibly Erect in a Public Place”. Is this a crime now!? When did this happen?!
“Fuck that!”, I said to myself, and tore the ticket up once the cops left. I wasn’t going to take this violation sitting down. I had to rise up and fight this erection-bashing system of ours. First, I went to the library to look up this law, and see just how constitutional it is. The place was closed, so I went to the internet, and boy did it have a lot to say about the subject. Did you know that the British tried to tax erections before the revolution? You do now. Did you know that Thomas Jefferson had an erection when he signed the Declaration of Independence? You do now. Did you know that the Nazis flat out banned erections from 1936 to 1944? Welcome to the harsh realm of The Truth.
After this preliminary research, I found a database of men in a similar situation to mine, and all had a story to tell. Some had been to jail for their erections, some lost their jobs, their wives and children, and some, their lives. One man had been in the running to become an Oregon state senator before his erection mishap cost him the election, his family, his friends and his self-respect. He took his own life – but for what? For having an erection when he kissed a baby. He was arrested, the flags he waved were burned, mothers frantically cleaned their babies where he kissed them. That’s not my America, people. My America is free. My America, with her vast prairies and open skies, has room for all the erections in the world.
Erections can happen anytime, anywhere, in any situation. So why the fear? Why the hatred and discrimination? That’s right, I said it – race and gender and religion and whatever are totally protected and sacrosanct, but erections are left high and dry in our narrow-minded political correctness. Did you know you can’t even say “correct” without saying “erect”? You do now – too bad no one else does. “Visible erection”? Invisible minority, I say.
Fight for me, world. I’m going to fight this ticket in court tomorrow, and I fully plan on “dressing appropriately”. I suspect the judge will lock me up in contempt, so it’s up to you to build up support for me and my erectile difficulties. Send your emails of support to email@example.com.