Internal Memo-festo From Ikea’s Renegade CEO / Liberator of the Peoples

by Max Hartshorn

Greetings respected employees. As our quarter inches ever closer to its inevitable close we must prepare ourselves to endure yet another meaningless cycle of capitalist frenzy. Let our earnings per share growth rate ratio shine as a beacon to the great unwashed, and, more pointedly, stand as an ever heightening spire reaching upwards to the heavens we wish to recreate on Earth.

We hope that our increase in profit will enable you to afford some of the niceties of existence, such as salt on one’s bread and proper antiseptics. Yet at the same time we caution you not to lose sight of our basic principles and fall victim to the great moral decay that appears to define our age.

The following notes were taken on a Lenova IdeaPad tablet PC, at the hour of 11:30pm, April 24th 2008. May they remind you of your purpose, and help to get the ball rolling at the next marketing powwow:

  • Simple minds have written off our furniture as ‘mediocre.’ This is an offensive designation, not only towards our furniture, but to all mankind. It suggests that the collective efforts of the masses are at best hollow and implicitly asserts the necessity of an elite. We mean our furniture to be average in the best sense of the term, to celebrate, rather than denigrate, the collective spirit that binds us together.
  • We do not endorse world peace, for it is only in war that Man truly discovers his worth. However we recognize that it is on furniture, not battlefields, that most of Man’s life is lived. Humanity has been rendered weak by plush mattresses and the soft caress of the swivel chair. We must embrace our inner strength and erect ourselves once again.
  • Luxury begets comfort, comfort begets decrepitude, and decrepitude begets luxury. Thus is the cycle of ignorance that represents all false poetry. In contrast, our chairs occur at the intersection of function and style. They reject weakness and elevate the mind out of its torpor. Do not be fooled! We do not seek to provide comfort, we seek to awaken your soul!
  • Be weary of our competitors and their attempts to manipulate your desires. All desire is by its nature false, and the act of feeding desire only leads to its perpetuation. You do not desire our furniture. You do not enjoy our furniture the way you have been conditioned to experience joy. The joy you will experience will be that of being brought face to face with the brutal nature of the universe.
  • Our low prices are a triumph of the human spirit!
  • Our items are sold in parts. We believe all men should assemble their own furniture, if only to glimpse the primordial chaos that exists before the introduction of proper authority. The success of a customer’s purchase ultimately depends on the customer themselves, and their ability to follow the instructions provided. We all must physically enact the creation of our own destinies.
  • Did you know that most humans will die reclined on a piece of furniture? Did you wish you did not know that? We assert that it is the ultimate actualization of human potential to die standing up, preferably impaled on a piece of rough metal (and not only once but again and again and again). Our new line of furniture, formally magnificent in its use of space, functionally optimal, will provide adequate chamber until this day arrives.

Act accordingly,
James Barrington
CEO Ikea Furniture Enterprises

2 responses to “Internal Memo-festo From Ikea’s Renegade CEO / Liberator of the Peoples

  1. mcsweeneys this immediately

  2. kilowatt says : I absolutely agree with this !

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