In an unpredictably stunning move, the President banned the future in all its forms yesterday. Citing national security as a primary motivation, he spoke on the issue in a press conference earlier today.
“This comes about in the wake of a presentation given to me by the Secretary of State two days ago. Here in the White House – in the Oval Rumpus Room – it was laid out before me, and let me tell you, the future is terrifying, and among our most pressing concerns.”
“Experts predict that the Governor of California, on an upcoming mission to Mars… his head almost explodes! Seriously – it’s all like, aaaaaaugh! And there’s mutants, and everyone wants the air, but the man wouldn’t give… And, and there’s guys with crazy-babies, and hookers with three boobs, and midgets with machine guns – I mean, where’d she get that thing? Man!”
“Thus, to prevent a similarly destructive thrill-ride from plunging our nation into the depths of nihilism, I have elected to ban the future from our fair shores.”
Speculation about the ramifications of this legislation has been outlawed as well, forcing most news networks to speculate instead about the recent craze for kitty cat bow ties. However, before the ban was instated, some critics very vocally did their criticism thing.
“If the future is outlawed, only outlaws will have futures,” quavered ACLU spokesperson Gabby Yakimov. “This legislation is being rushed through without refinement. ‘Children are our future’ – will children be outlawed? What about the seminal Moody Blues album Days of Future Passed? Huh?”
The President responded to criticisms in his speech. “Children will have to be outlawed, sadly. Children presently living in the United States will have to spend their free time appreciating the film The Big Chill. As for inner children, they shall be frozen in the least futuristic carbonite available to us. Thank you, and God bless.”
Reaction on the street ranges from concerned to ornery. Many agree with antique store owner Herb Hutchins, who lamented, “What the hell am I gonna do with fifty Ikea loungers that aren’t gonna get any older?” Next door, pawn shop owner Sylvio St. Croix was boarding up his store, having blown all his money on a now-worthless copy of Gray’s Sports Almanac. “I promised my kid a hoverboard. How’m I gonna make him love me now?”
Not only antiques are feeling the pinch. The stock market reacted violently to all ‘futures’ (shares in the expected upcoming performance of commodities) being changed to ‘pasts’. Despite huge gains in the early hours, markets plummeted in late trading when someone realized that slaves are illegal, and pepper doesn’t have that many uses.
Perhaps the only mumblings of support come from the old fogey community. Tiberius “Bubble-Gummin’” Crenshaw issued a statement from his rocking chair shortly after the President’s address:
“Oh, you whips wudn’t doin’ much with that thar future anyways. You know how old that future is? Why, when I was a lad – yes, ‘strue, happened once – we had a future that’d knock your socks off. Socks, of course, being invented the week before the future. ‘course, only that rich skunk Huffington owned ‘em, but one day we sneaked in and gussied ‘em up good, lemme tell ya! Where was I… oh yes, future! Yessir, back then, we had a future with flying bindles, ‘n horseless horses, ‘n robots that’d just as soon rape you to death as fix you a cuppa liquid gold. But I guess there just ain’t no more room in this crazy world for old-fashioned futures without exploding innernets ‘n World President Tia Carrere ‘n such…”
Despite this long-winded backing, the ban still sits poorly with the non-rockerbound. However, for those seeking to reinstate the future, the most potent argument points have been raised, as always, by stoned teenagers. Douglas “D-Bomb” Bont, in a press conference issued from his friend’s dad’s Tercel, slurred his way to the philosophical core of the matter:
“Way I see it, future never comes, guy. Think about it – back then, it’s the past, right now it’s the present. Where’s the future? Wait for it… wait for it… there! Oh wait – no go, brosef, that’s just the present again! Future’s not like a pizza, man – forty minutes, it’s still not free. Hey Mike, has it been forty minutes yet?”
Whether or not the future will arrive within forty minutes, and whether or not the President’s actions are justified, all that is left to do now is sit back and reminisce about the fact that it’s actually Kevin Costner in the symbolic coffin of our youth. Or maybe check out what’s on VH1.