As shilled for by “Honest” Edward “Boffotrenko”, truth-teller extraordinaire
LISTLESS? GASSY? UNPOPULAR WITH THE SEX OF YOUR CHOICE?
PONY UP, JUNIOR!
DOCTOR BOFFO’S MIRACLE MASH is the MIRACLE MASH of the future. Scientifically tested for flim-flams and boondoggles, MIRACLE MASH cures ailments not yet known to medicine! When your future self lies dying of Astro-Scurvy, what will your past self say in response? “Sorry, I decided against living forever”? TRY AGAIN.
TRUTH: Everyone knows the universe is 80% atoms. BUT, did you know that atoms are responsible for 80% of human illnesses? It’s a TRUTH! Atoms build up in non-atom-designated organo-nooks and bio-crannies, leading to ATOMIZATION of the SELF! DOCTOR BOFFO’S MIRACLE MASH chemically de-atomizes these crazy things, leaving their haemo-freeways relatively intact, and leaving you feeling like TEN MILLION POPES.
FALSEHOOD: Other MIRACLE MASHES work just as well for a fraction of the price. RESPECTIVE TRUTH: Other MIRACLE MASHES are designed by INFERNOSEXUALS, and only clean out UNGODLY bio-crannies. Only DOCTOR BOFFO’S MIRACLE MASH is officially sanctioned by GOD ALMIGHTY (Personal interview, August 2007) to purify all aspects of a human’s (or human-educated gorilla’s) material incarnation.
A RICH, BOLD MELANGE of authentic herbs and roughage awaits you! Journey into the exotic inner life of the rarely-used Shemp fiber! WRITHE IN AWE as five types of nylon banish photo-irradiation from places the sun is not proven to shine! PHILOSOPHICALLY-CHARGED ERECTIoNS! All ailments purged, or your money spent!
DO NOT ACCEPT SHAM-STITUTES*! ONLY DOCTOR BOFFO’S MIRACLE MASH has these miraculous properties! Buy DOCTOR BOFFO’S MIRACLE MASH TODAY, or get run over BY YOUR OWN KARMA**!
*– known sham-stitutes include: Doctor Boffo’s Magnetoupee; Doctor Boffo’s Protein-Age Basteland Aerosol Meats; Doctor Boffo’s Horse-Grain of the Carb-pocalypse; Doctor Boffo’s Medicated Organic Batteries; Doctor Boffo’s “Licensed” Disney’s Goof Troop Omega 3-6-9 Hot Pressed Pills; Rabbi Boffo’s T-K-Osher Curds ‘n Weight-Gain Yam-mulkes; Swami Boffo’s Sunlight Suppositories; Old Man Boffo’s Shrimp-Flavoured .22-Calibur Bullets; Boffo St. Germain’s Endless Twilight Escort Service; SHORM!™; Doctor Biff-Boff’s Cocainated Drymilk (Mercurially Fortified); Lady Boffo’s Extra-Crispy Mint Ju-Lipstick Formula; Robo-Boffo’s Time Travel Jerky; Pasteur Boffeaux’s Le Holy Milk; Professor Boffo’s Shredded Knowledge; Boffo-San’s Me-So-Salty Snicky-Snack Mix; Former-Doctor Boffo’s Orgone-Infusing Coffin; Obi-Wan Boffo’s “Star Warz” Spiritual Defense Smoothies; Judge Boffo’s Get-Out-Of-Health-Jail Fat-Free Iron Bars.
**– pun generously provided by Bruce Baum, user of (and spokesperson for) Doctor Boffo’s Lye-larious Laughtershave.