Baby, I’m Gonna Make You Mine

by Edward Petrenko – CEO, Petrenkorp Mining Inc.

I hope you like it – it’s the classiest restaurant in Sudbury. I slipped ‘em a little something a few weeks ago to bump ‘em up a star or two, just for tonight. Hey, it’s the least I could do. But, speaking of slipping ‘em something, close your eyes. Oh c’mon, you know you can trust me – how many dates have we been on? Five? Five is the trust date.

Okay, they’re closed? You’re not looking? All right, open your eyes.

Yup, yup – real diamond. Real as my feelings for you – probably more resale value, too.

I know it’s a bit premature, but I’ve got a feeling I’m onto the mother lode with you, Roxanne. …it’s a little mining joke. Don’t worry, you’ll have the rest of your life with me to laugh at it. Don’t even think about setting a date yet – just think about the ring.

So you like it? You really like it? How’d you like another one?

Easy, easy – close your eyes first. Make sure they’re closed – I want this to be a surprise. Keep ‘em closed… okay, open ‘em!

What? It’s a pickaxe!

Sit down, sit down, hear me out. No, I’m not gonna kill you – I want to carve out a future with you, Rox! Now, you know I got fired from DiCan a while ago, right? Well, I decided to strike out on my own – get some tracts, get some rights, and get some holes in the ground, do the whole mining thing. I got this great claim along Highway 11 – it’s got this really… great… lucky air. It’s literally loaded with potential. You should see it.

Rox, listen! I’ve got everything I need to start out, except the labour! Everyone’s out west at Fort Mac!

Oh come on, Rox – you even said you were thinking about quitting The Purple Pig! This’d be perfect – it’s outside, it’s exercise… didn’t I always say I’d be your rock? Well, now you can return the favour!

Rox, stop, you’re making a scene. I thought you’d really dig the idea! Okay, jesus, it was just a little joke – don’t get so touchy! If you want, you can just handle the nitro.

Well it’s gotten a lot safer since that part of our heritage! It’s got wires and stuff now! You’ll be fine, Rox, precious…

For chrissakes, Rox, doesn’t this mean anything to you? This is our pickaxe! We’re gonna use it to chip out our diamonds! I mean you’re gonna use it! …I mean your diamonds! Wait, no – well, not all yours.

Wait, I didn’t mean it like that – I’ve gotta sell some of them! Well, not a lot of ‘em… just enough to cover the land, and the rights, and the pickaxe, and the diamond, and…

Well I couldn’t very well dig you a diamond without you swinging the pick! I told you, I’m banned from the pickaxe union – that’s why I’m forming a new union, a union of me and you, and-

No, no, I bought this one from a store. What, I mined a gold band, too? Well, no, I don’t know if there’s diamonds on the land. Nobody does. It’s just a big pile of rocks that we’ve got to blow up and hack at and sift through the remains… just like marriage, Rox!

Fine, run, go back to your Purple Pig and your lonely life in the sun… take your time, ‘cause baby, I’m gonna make you mine.

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One response to “Baby, I’m Gonna Make You Mine

  1. +1 patriotism, +7 hilarity to any posts that bring “a part of our heritage” to the fore.

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