Tacky Memorabilia a Tasteful Addition to YOUR Italian Eatery

Direct-mail copy drafted by: John Semley

Inferis Memorabilia Online is a trusted, quality-oriented retailer specializing in the finest Cosa Nostra and more nonspecifically organized crime collectibles and interior decorating solutions. Finally, with Inferis Memorabilia Online’s Italo-American line of framed, top-matted, wood-mounted or value-laminated posters and art prints, you can attract more customers to your Italian-style eatery, and join the countless dozens of others who have enjoyed an estimated revenue increase of not more than 50 but likely no fewer than 18 percents*.

WHO WE ARE: Inferis Memorabilia Online is a trusted, quality-oriented retailer of various memorabilia solutions, from the worlds of film, television, sport and beyond. In business for well over two fiscal quarters, Inferis Memorabilia Online is one of THE leading names in the online-based sales and handling of often-licensed entertainment-related merchandise. We are an online, web-based retailer. That means NO OVERHEAD. Thanks to a complex system of wireless modems, terabyte storage drives and Ethernet access relays, our stock is entirely digital. That means no overstuffed warehouses on pricey edge-of-town real estate tracts and that means MORE savings passed directly onto YOU!

Our scrupulously-trained staff of memorabilia and entertainment commodity salesperts is contractually obligated to provide you with service equal to no less than 100% and no greater than 111%** of the maximum acceptable percentage of sales expertise.

1999-2007.

Copyright HBO: 1999-2007.

WHAT WE OFFER: The Italo-American line offers you a wide range of gangster-themed posterage drawn from some of the following popular entertainment licenses:

  • Scarface (1983)
  • The Godfather trilogy
  • Goodfellas/Casino
  • The Untouchables
  • HBO’s The Sopranos
  • Fox’s The Simpsons in a style resembling HBO’s The Sopranos
  • One Upon a Time in America
  • My Cousin Vinny
  • The Lifetime Television original crime drama Wisegal…AND MORE!

We also offer selections from some of these classic licenses and estates of real-to-life personages:

  • Scarface (1932)
  • Little Caesar
  • Frank Sinatra (crooning)
  • Frank Sinatra (mug shot)
  • The Rat Pack*** (available in billiards game and unsympathetic laughing formats)
  • Tasteful “Where’s Hoffa?” poster collage in the style of Martin Hanford’s “Where’s Waldo?” children’s puzzle cartoons

WHY INFERIS?: Do you own a PIZZERIA, ITALO-CENTRIC FINE DINING ESTABLISHMENT, PRIVATE FRESH HERB GARDEN (or WINDOW-BOX), CANNOLI BAKERY, EGGPLANT CANNERY, MUFFLER SHOP or SPAGHETTI FACTORY?

If your answer to the above was “possibly” or higher, YOU qualify for the near-instant revenue generation offered by Inferis Memorabilia Online’s Italo-American line. Consider the following FACTs.

FACT: The average North American consumer approaches the idea of organized crime, especially that of the Italian Cosa Nostra (or “Mafia”), with an attitude of quixotic reverence. The consumer-minded North American business entity (YOU!) can capitalize on this sentiment quickly, easily and painlessly with Inferis’s Italo-American merchandise solutions.

FACT: Popular entertainment mobsters, including but not limited to: Ray Liota’s Henry Hill, Robert De Niro’s Sam “Ace” Rothstein, Al Pacino’s Michael Corleone, Marlon Brando and Robert De Niro’s Vito Corleone, Joe Pesci’s Vincent Gambini, James Gandolfini’s Anthony Soprano and Tony Sirico’s Peter Paul “Paulie Walnuts” Gaultieri are often pardoned on numerous counts of murder, extortion, book-making and indiscriminate racketeering in the court of popular opinion. Instead, they are often regarded favorably in light of their family loyalty, camaraderie and generally regressive value systems.

FACT: Our research predicts that an estimated 98% of Italo-American owned businesses exhibit visibly stereotyped interior design schemes. Grape leaves, olive vines, hand-crafted or otherwise decrepit chairs, antique jugs of red wine and picturesque acrylic paintings of generic Palmero countrysides (with or without a view of Tyrrhenian Sea) are presently recognized as some of the more saturated markers of Italian identity.

FACT: Why not CONTEMPORIZE your banal, commonplace interiors? Italian-American Mafia films constitute an integral part of the North American cultural fabric. An estimated 86% of visitors to your average restaurant have at one point or another enjoyed these films/television shows/pop-standard compilation CDs. Decorating your establishment with the appropriate memorabilia is VIRTUALLY GUARANTEED to stimulate conversation and, by extension****, revenue*****.

ACT NOW! The Inferis Memorabilia Online Italo-American line of memorabilia-themed merchandise has been produced in limited run. This means that NOW is the time to make sure your Italian eatery/muffler shop secures it’s rightful place on the CUTTING EDGE of Italian-themed interior design solutions. With this, and the best interests of YOU, in mind, we strongly urge YOU to ACT NOW!!!

For an informative digital pamphlet of memorabilia or to place an advance order, please contact:

Roger or Stephen McClellan

Inferis Memorabilia Online

13896-D Euclid Crescent, BSMNT

Irvine, CA 92620
rogorsteve@hotmail.com

*Percents based on actual mathematical data.
**An overage fee equal to half a percent of total product order (after taxes and shipping charges) will be applied to each additional percent of service afforded over 101% to a maximum of 111%.
***Sammy Davis Jr. available for airbrushed removal for an additional fee. Joe DiMaggio available for airbrushed insertion for an additional fee equal to 125% of Sammy Davis Jr. removal fee, depending on framing/matting/mounting/lamination needs.
****Supposition based on software-produced revenue-generation projections. Not a fact.
*****Bada-bing!
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One response to “Tacky Memorabilia a Tasteful Addition to YOUR Italian Eatery

  1. PRIMO! But what your E-stablishment is failing to tell your average striped-tablecloth Kapo is that you don’t have to expressly purchase this level of Guinea charm: Take this limited edition cartoon map of Jersey, hand-drawn from a very respectable 3/4 overhead angle. It features over-sized representations of every fine establishment from here to dere selling Ragu or Axe. And from now until 9/11, I’m just given’em away with every tune-up. Best map of the city in the city! Oh!

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