“Enough with all the rhubarb” demands committee chief
Months of hullabaloo and much ado came to an official close on Tuesday when the Warren Commission released its final statement on the JFK assassination.
“After countless hours of investigation, hundreds of interviews, dozens of hearings and, might I add, gallons of coffee, we have come to the conclusion that all of the ‘anomalies’, ‘kookinesses’, and ‘general what-have-yous’ that have been reported in the press about the incident… all amount to one big [coinkydink].”
Upon this statement, a major kerfluffle arose from the assembled journalists. One reporter was heard to accuse the commission chief of attempting to bamboozle the public with “this cock-and-bull baloney sandwich”, before being escorted out of the room at the senator’s request.
After order was restored, the senator continued. “The commission found that it was all the work of one [cotton-pickin’] gunman, and that [hotshot] was Lee Harvey Oswald. The bullet he [whizzed] at the president was [magic], [not necessarily] fatal, and the work of one and only one [wink] gunman. This statement is final, and I ask now that the press please [eighty-six] all of its [finagling] of our findings.”
The resulting fandango was widespread and immediate. Criticisms and bah-humbugs rang in from associates from Tippecanoe to Kalamazoo, calling “hornswoggle” and “flim-flam” on the commission’s findings. To attempt yet again to take the ants out of the pants of snoopy journalistos, the senator released an additional Bob’s-your-uncle on Wednesday.
“The committee’s findings are concrete and [supoib], and warrant no further comment than has already been [a-hollered]. I must, however, overstep the bounds of polity and chastise the press for the endless [hanky-panky] and [confabulation, dagnabbit!] with which they have clouded this investigation. The grim, tragic nature of the assassination of the late, gr[rrrrrr]eat President Kennedy [Shmennedy] should be treated with more [R-E-S-P-E-C-T] than has been given by the [liberal] media. The reaction to this issue has been [poopy], and [I’m a big stupid butt with a big stupid beard that smells like a butt because that’s what I am].”
The Associated Press, Reuters, and all other major news services have politely decided not to comment on the senator’s outbreak, asking only that his apology take the form of “a big big bag of small, small money”, and that it be delivered sooner, rather than later.