A Welcome Message from the President of SysCorp Alarms Inc.

ceoDo you ever worry about leaving your house, wondering if, when you return, your valuables and personal items will still be where you left them? Does fear eat away at you in your every waking moment, knowing that neither you nor your spouse are truly safe even in your own home? While you are at work, are you ever afraid of the possibility that some mysterious madman is violently napping in your personal bed? What about your children? They could break into your house at any time, leaving you helpless. When you open the fridge door and discover that there are fewer leftovers than you remember there having been, does it send your heart racing to the exit in fear of being left alone inside a body too cowardly to admit it needs defence? In all likelihood, there are hoodlums in your house right now stealing your social insurance number, bank information, identity, beliefs and values. Are you kept up at night thinking how easy it would be for a criminal to break into your house while you are sleeping, learn every intimate detail about who you are and what you do, how you act, your manneurism, idiosyncracies and speech pattern, and then, while you are still sleeping, inject you with whale tranquilizer, surgically remove your face and attach it to theirs, cleverly fooling even your family members as the masked marauder assumes your identity and lives out the rest of the life that you worked hard for and deserved while you rot in the underbrush that your lifeless corpse was dumped into?

If you answered yes to any of the above questions, congratulations, you are not alone. Hi, I’m Yep Innertoob, president of SysCorp Alarms Inc. I used to be like all of you, worrying about the statistical likelihoods of domestic intruders interrupting my most private moments to violently claim everything that I hold dear. That is why I founded SysCorp Alarms Inc., as a means of protecting home owners against the dangers of unwelcome visitors and private plunderers.  Anytime you buy anything, you are wasting your money. Unless you own one of our new state of the art Triple-Voice-Activated-Dual-Force-SystemSystems, any new item that you buy might as well be immediately delivered to the hands of a home invader. They will come to take if from you sooner than later.

Home intruders are now the leading cause of emotional discomfort and death in all of North America, disturbing or killing more people annually than train accidents and trolley accidents combined. Its time to give your family the comfort and protection that they deserve from domestic invaders. Home intruders should and must be stopped, and now, with my state of the art alarm system, they can and will!

Nothing can or will stop a home intruder. If there is something in your possession that they want, they will take it from you. People in our current times are emotionally disturbed and live without morals. You saw No Country for Old Men. Jesus Living Christ, we live in some dark times. Not even the most advanced alarm system could stop a man armed with an airgun who is determined to put down your entire family like the sick and wounded cattle they are allowing themselves to be.

Do you have any idea how easy it is for someone to break into a house? It’s so easy. A locked door only invites intruders. I’m inside your house right now. Don’t believe me? Call your home phone number. I will answer. What a nice family portrait, the wooden frame nicely contextualizes the cottage and Michelle looks especially pleasant in this dress. I think I’m going to keep it.  This might not have happened if you had our new state of the art TVADFSS, which defends the house against all low-to-medium-threat-level home invaders. Using radar and laser technologies, our heat and motion detectors will continually scan your household property for suspicious movement or heat. If any is discovered, a voice-activated video signal will be sent to our headquarters using the Internet.  The alarm is silent, so that invaders can be caught in the act. But before the alarm warning has even been sent to our state of the art headquarters, I will have already showed up to your property, based entirely on intuition and hunches, dressed as Rambo. I will deal with the situation the only way I know how: with force and efficiency.

If this does not provide enough relief for your anxious nerves, we also have volumes TVADFSSv2.0 and TVADFSSv2.0 available currently on the market. Upon sensing an intruder, TVADFSSv2.0 will burrow your house 30 ft below the ground, blocking off all entrances and exits for a period of five years, after which time we will assume the cowardly intruder will have fled the scene. Our other model, TVADFSSv2.0, will activate its complex system of rotating knives, turning your personal abode into a punishing abattoir if it should detect any motion. These systems are not yet on the market.
Remember:  The best defense is an offense. In 2003 I turned my house into one giant booby trap and now I like the nomadic life of a guerrilla, observing from a distance. Since I have done so, my house has not once been visited by harm-wishers. Invaders stay away. It has only killed squirrels. The effectiveness of the system is unparalleled.
Face the facts: You can’t loot a looter. Take the example of gypsies. No one can rob a gypsy. Right? Wrong. Last night I looted a gypsy camp and there was nothing they could do to protect themselves against it because I am an expert in everything. Leave your house behind. It will only cause you pain. A home-owner is nothing more than a sitting duck in a pond of shit.
Have you ever worried about getting mugged?  Do you ever look to the summer sky in an electric storm and see messages in lightning spelling out the end of all times, as those bright flashing sky snakes slither across the horizon? Gauge out your eyes. It doesn’t help.

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