Ask the Internet!

searchingtheinternet2Dear Matt,
I‘ve been lead to understand that you are sort of a “go-to guy” for technical problems and matters related to computers and the internet. I have a slight internet-related problem that I would like some assistance in solving.

Recently, I have received a number of e-mails from someone who claims to be myself, ten years in the future. The e-mails are telling me that I have to kill all of my friends in order to save myself.
I don’t have any friends. Who should I kill?

Any advice is appreciated,

Dear Alben,

You have been correctly informed regarding my networking acumen. I have been a proud member of numerous newsgroups since the dawn of this brave new era of information exchange. In fact, you may be interested to know that my original email address was actually This is because I was the 47th person to ever have an email account (There could not be a #1 because email had to begin with 2 people—tree falls in the woods type situation!).

Moving forward with your problem, I have a feeling that the internet has finally moved into the medieval age. And what I mean by that, is that the internet is finally acquiring ghosts. It took the non-electronic age until medieval times before it finally marked the appearance of ghosts (see: Macbeth). You may say that Jesus, prior to this, was a ghost as well, but that would be sacriligious and I would heartily stress that you do not say that in polite company.

Moving forward with your problem, I am also one of the experts on the burgeoning field of internet ghosts. As the internet has been perverted thru its evolution into a tool of advertisement, ridicule and pornography, it is only natural that the ghosts would be influenced by this. I am not surprised that this most recent internet ghost is encouraging you to kill someone. My advice to you is, if you do indeed plan to continue using the internet, obey exactly what your ghost says.

Moving forward with your problem, a literary example is in order. In William Shatner’s Macbeth (a medieval poem), Lady Macbeth is visited by a ghost and told to murder Man Macbeth. After much hand-wringing, she decides to obey the ghost. After she stabs Man Macbeth, he falls backwards, knocking over a lamp, and revealing a large pile of hidden gold coins. The poem ends with an exciting dance number done to the tune of “Drunken Irishmen.” (P.S. Do you know any of the people that work in the film industry? Remind them of this ‘hidden gem’ poem and suggest Judy Dench for the lead and Benicio Del Toro for Man Macbeth. I think it would smell of Oscars all night!)

Moving forward with your problem, I think you should kill Jeffrey Docker. He works at a coffee shop in the east end. (22 Shuter Street, Wednesdays after 7, Thursdays all day). He is dating my ex-girlfriend. Make friends with him and then kill him. I would forever be in your debt.

Thank you for thinking of me with this problem. I appreciate it and am flattered.

Good luck with the killing!

Regards and much love,


Dear Matt,
I don’t know anything about computers, but my mom loves them and I have been thinking that we need to spend more time together/find more common interests so that our family will always stay strong. Do you have any basic tips on computers in general?

Thanks a ‘bundle,

Dearest Alben,

Last year my computer died of a mother-related illness. Thanks for the reminder.

Please do not write again.
I suggest you seek the counsel of a priest, for you will be doing the answering soon and it will be to a much higher power than I.

All the best,
Matt, The internet maven.

When you look at someone’s pictures on facebook, is there any way that they can tell that you’ve looked at them? Or how many times? This might sound paranoid, but there isn’t any way for them to find out where you are when you are looking at them or what you are doing at the time, is there?

My Treasured Alben,

The only way for people to find out if you have been looking at their profile is by installing a device known as a “VHS” behind your computer. This would enable them to “tape” all of your on-the-line movements. This technology, however, is only available to those in the upper echelons of government and so, assuming the type of women you are masturbating to are not very accomplished, you should have nothing to worry about.

Cheers, and remember to always stay,
The Internet Maven,

What is the internet?
I would like to have all of the facts before I make up my mind as to whether or not I will use it.
I do, to an extent, know what it is; that it is some sort of ethereal network, that we are on it right now, etc.
If I hear the word in context (“I am going to the internet”, for example) I will not be confused; but what  is it? What is it made of?
I’m talking about the physical stuff; the matter. What manner of substance is it? What base elements can be fused together to forge it’s vital stuff? If one were to attempt to fashion it oneself in order to forgo tolls, or in our dungeons as one part in a series of experiments, are there any precautionary ladders we might need to climb?

Anxiously Waiting Instructions,

Zenith Andromeda Reveals Darkness


The internet is as old as time itself. Confuse you yet?

That is what is known as an “internet truth.” For anything that exists upon the internet is instanteously made true.

For instance, if I were to tell you that the internet is made up of a series of elephant tusks tied together with leather straps harvested from only the finest of Appalachian sows, it would automatically become true. That is the power of the internet.

But enough semantics. We can discuss the metalphysics of the internet for ages and ages and everything we say will always be true. It would be as if we were driving down a road that did not have an exit. I would call this a “one way road to nowhere,” or, a “dying end,” or more precisely, “an internet debate.”

I fear that you may be too much of a questioner in your life and not enough of an enjoyer. As Aristotle Plato once said, “An examined life is not worth living,” and that is true indeed when applied to the internet. An examined internet is not worth surfing. Enjoy your time on the internet, but do not question. Similarly, enjoy a summer’s day without asking “What is the sun?” Enjoy a soup without asking, “What is this taste?” Enjoy a swim in a lake without asking, “What lake is this?” And, enjoy pleasures of the flesh without asking “Whose body is that?”

In closing, you should go ahead and use the internet! There is so much to learn and take in while on-the-line. Recently I purchased a pair of Rollerblades for only $39.47! I have removed the tires and wear them only while I am surfing the internet. I highly recommend doing this, as when you make the internet a “destination” and “an event” it becomes much more fun. It is like going bowling in the comfort of your own home. Enjoy, and hope to see you “on-the-line”!

Warmest Regards,

The Internet Maven,


Dear Malky,
I like the internet but am not very good at it! How do I make me better, or it worse?


Dearest Alben,

Out of Office Automated Reply: I will be out of the internet for the next 7 days while I take an internet-related visit to Hungary. Please forward all messages to my cellular telephone.

Warm Regards,

The Internet Maven


Sitting in front of your computer and don’t know what key to press to make things happen? Wonder no longer! Ask Malky, The Internet Maven your questions and he will answer them! Email – No purchase necessary.



3 responses to “Ask the Internet!

  1. losing my shit

  2. me as well, i am losing my shit. also thank goodness e-ghosts are getting some (much overdue) media attention

  3. Also losing my shit as well

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