Make Millions Sitting On Your Ass, Alone

Look ma, no "friends"!

Look ma, no "friends"!

by Anybody McYou, employee

I used to be a successful real estate agent, but now I get rich from the comfort of my living room using the internet. How’d I do it? Read on.

I thought I had it all. I went to college, got a great job, had a fast car, a big house, a beautiful wife, everything. But one day I lost my taste for it. I just couldn’t face the people anymore – everyone asking questions, complaining, thinking ill thoughts about me, and so on.

So what did I do? Did I continue going to the office, where I’d have to talk to these assholes every day? Did I continue paying for the car, which conveyed me to that damned watering hole? Did I continue paying for that big house I was never in? Did I continue maintaining a relationship with my frigid wife?

No! I left all those things behind. I left my job, my wife left me, my house left me with my wife, and I drove my car off a cliff! “Sayonara,” I said, as I watched my old life burn to ashes!

Was I sad? Sure, a little bit. I cried my share of tears, of course. But did anyone see this shame? No! Because I started working from home.

“How,” you ask? Through the magic of the internet! In a fit of hotelbound despair, I turned to the web for solace. Proving once again the old axiom that opportunity only knocks when you’re aroused and in a bathrobe, an ad literally popped up to inform me of fabulous moneymaking opportunities!

One click, and away I went into the workanight world of After following the simple registration procedure, this online temp agency will ream your inbox with so many job offers that you almost certainly will scream. I know I did!

My first job was in marketing. All I had to do was submit a list of 1000 valid email addresses – no problem, as I still had my dumb contacts from my stupid other job! At $0.08 per address, I had more money than I’d had in weeks, and I knew I’d found my calling.

Countless other jobs followed, each providing an exciting new challenge and opportunity! Whether I was defending Israeli actions on political message boards, ghostwriting on behalf of Nigerian royalty in hot soup, or masturbating to climax on camera, I called the shots, I set the hours, and I made the money.

No more coworkers! No more gossip! No more evil eye! No more bitch wife! The world is my oyster, and I don’t have to share! How great is this setup? Well… you see that ellipsis? I just waved my dick at the world through the window! Also, I’m naked! I’ve been naked this whole time! I eat cereal constantly, and nobody belittles me for it! I don’t need to buy or wash clothes anymore! I can spend my money on classic action figures, and nobody complains! I not only signed up for work, I signed up for ultimate freedom!

I alone grasp the tiller, I alone furl the sails, I alone make blow the wind! Neither rule of law nor wrath of god muzzle – hang the child that cries bloody blasphemy! No demon in no cragged dungeon dare plunder Mammon’s cruel lucre under such rapacious auspices as I! Avast and well met, ye decadent drones who would smelt thyselves in this terrible hellforge of spectral whispers! Let dry the seas and let fallow the fields – no human death, but the cursed throne of ancients awaits! Wrench free the scepter of ages, pry loose the crown of Hades!  Find out how! Email now!


One response to “Make Millions Sitting On Your Ass, Alone

  1. Ironic First?

    Good stuff Ed.

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