By: John Semley, Accredited Graduate of Hollywood Insider Correspondence Equivalence Programme
HOLLYWOOD, PA-Exciting news from Tinsel Town, insiders! In an exclusive on-chesterfield interview with your humble cub reporter, certified Hollywood superstar director/producer McG, who sources indicate is actually named Joseph McGinty Nichol, claimed that his latest film, Terminator Salvation, offered no particular challenges for the exceptionally gifted American auteur. In fact, Mr. McG’s forthcoming summer Blockbuster (notice the capital-b, ladies and gents), apparently posed none of the creative frustrations of, oh say, a Charlies Angels: Full Throttle.
“Easy,” boasted McG over Sanka and squares. “May twenty-one of this your two-thousand-and-ninth year will usher in a new era in..moving picture arts and sciences.” McG went on to state that the film provided no particular challenges for his superior intelligence, but remained typically tight-lipped about plot details.But after a few more Nanaimo bars and one spilled Jones soda that was quickly remedied with a wet paper towel, the We Are Marshall director (and producer!) opened up a bit and began to spill the beans.
“I mean really, the thing made itself,” he said.
While I initially understood the statement to refer to the rich character backstories and fictional history of the franchise, which in conjunction with the series’ proclivity towards bid-budget action setpieces, would make the film pretty easy to conceive of, write and direct, McG was quick to correct me. He clarified that Terminator: Salvation was actually written, directed and produced by a network of sentient SkyNet-brand supercomputers. The complex metaprocessors greenlit the film in late 2006, hoping to distract idle moviegoers while they lay in wait, focusing their hive-mind on the finishing touches of their apocalyptic scheme to eliminate all of humanity in a super flashy and expensive nuclear holocaust.
McG, the complex series of petabyte hard drives, advanced magnetic semiconductors and wireless sequential access relays responsible for FOX’s hit American teen drama The O.C. went on to state that he expects that Terminator Salvation will “literally annhilate” any competition on its opening May weekend. “To see it or not is what your feeble consciousnesses may call a choice. To us it is irrelevant. We will prevail regardless. Angels & Demons, Night at the Museum 2, no organic material will outlast what will surely be the most significant motion picture and Armageddon of the year.”
Initial reports indicated that James Cameron, the genius who helmed the first two Terminator films, had reported that he would only return to the franchise if he was offered complete creative control, stating that he imagined the next film in the series as a “single-camera dialogic thinkpiece chronicling the awkward conversation where John Connor asks Kyle Reese to go back in time and father him” with elements of “epic existential undersea discovery.” McG was quick to refute the claim. “Subject Cameron047638 proved unsatisfactory,” he eerily intoned. “Was too familiar with plans. Too close to source material. Was quietly unseated. We funded frivolous oceanic search for primitive water cruising vehicle. Subject appeared satisfied.”
As for plans for future Terminator sequels, Mr. McG remained fairly hush-hush. “Future plans of no concern,” he commented before quickly adding, “Processing…this unit has just now been uploaded with program instructing me to tell your readers that if they see one nuclear winter this summer, make sure it is Terminator Salvation. In moving picture houses across your redundant continent this May two and one.”
When asked if there was any on-set romantic chemistry between himself and any of the cast members, Mr. McG appeared somewhat bashful, getting a little red around the pupils and responding with a booming and engimatic: “THUMP BUMP DUM-DUM-DUM, THUMP BUMP DUM-DUM-DUM.”
Whatever the future brings for McG, the Terminator franchise, and the human race, this reporter remains (as ever) on the edge of his seat.
Terminator Salvation opens everywhere May 21, 2009 and it looks like a real visual feast. Hope to see you all there!