Ask Heath About Health!


I drink Gatorade so much that I have begun sweating out flourescent yellow. This confuses me because I only drink orange Gatorade. Should I switch to Encino brand energy sport drink instead? I have heard through the grape vine and from many popular athletes that this drink is far superior to the Gatorade products and will not affect my sweat colour.

I enjoy Encino brand energy sport drink’s label and have heard nothing negative about this company. I am excited to switch brands.


Jeffrey Chalmers

Sent from my Blackberry Device on the Encino Brand Energy Drink wireless network.

Dear Chandlers,
First of all let me say that I am a big fan of the television show that your character appears on. I have even seen some of the episodes.I find your refreshingly flippant sense of humor anchors the general atmosphere of “quirkiness” that surrounds the series. Kudos! (or should I say “Kudrows”?)

To answer your question, Encino brand energy drinks are not known to cause sweat discoloration, though studies have shown that the product has been conclusively linked to violent and compulsive fits of diahhrea,  rapid hair loss, social impotence,  decreased energy, and negative advertising. Have you tried Gatorade? It is rich in antioxidants.


Recently, I have been putting on a lot of weight. This was puzzling, because for the last year I have been eating only the healthiest foods and integrated a strict regimen of exercise into my daily routine. To counter the weight gain, I decided that the only solution was to exercise even more and cut out eating altogether. Yet the pounds keep piling on.

I have concluded that this is because I am full of hate.

Even worse is that, it seems that the weight gain has prompted a new height of self-hate, which just fills me up even more; the cycle spirals out indefinitely, like a mirror reflecting an image of another mirror. I am full of hate for gaining weight, and the more I hate myself, the more full I become.

What can I do to stop this growing cycle of hate?

“Fat” Albert

Dear Alben,

I am happy to hear that you have finally decided to tackle your weight problem. Your friends, family and people who pass you on the street have been discussing your weight for years now, and so you will be doing us all a great favour by slimming down, opening us up to new conversational possibilities, rather than wasting our days and eves discussing your ever-increasing waist-girth.

I am, however, quite dismayed at your cavalier attitude towards the task ahead. Your impatience truly astounds. It is as if you are a man that arrives at a cow farm, sees the cows and says, “Why is there no steak in my mouth?”, completely ignoring the time it takes to kill and carve a sow.

If you had watched my latest weight-loss tape, “Weight Loss is Your GAIN” you would know that you should pay attention to the homonymous qualities of the word “weight” and “wait”. You must learn to wait for your weight loss to take effect, dear Alben.

I am a certified weight loss scientician and so—and hopefully I won’t confuse you too much with this jargon—I know that your body is still under what is referred to as a “fat cloud.” Your body still believes it is fat and so no amount of not eating will change this. Only time will change your body. Do not give up on your dream of size 32 cargo pants The storm of being a fat person shall soon pass and you will enter a glorious sunny day of slimhood.

I cannot stress this enough: do not starting eating again. Eating is what got you where you are today. If you were truly committed you would never eat again. Your body, being as fat as it is, has enough old food stored up inside of its “cells” that you will be able to survive for years to come. You may not live as long a life as you would if you remained an Eater, but your life will surely be a Fuller one (pun definitely intended).

And thus, your self-hate will disappear with the fat cloud.



Hey Heath I just had sex for the first time and I think I might be pregnant! I am so scared but its a little bit exciting at the same time because I’m not ready for a child yet but if I did have one I would love it because we are a really cute couple.  We didn’t wear any condoms but we are both virgins. We had our clothes on the whole time and there wasn’t any penetration. But he spermed inside of me and I think it hit my egg. What should I do?






NOW: cut the construction paper into various fun shapes. Animals. Trains. Celebrity’s heads. Anything. Have fun with it.

Glue your shapes onto the coat hanger, then hang the coat hanger up…. in your baby’s nursery! It’s a fantastic, home-made mobile that will provide hours of entertainment.

Congratulations, EARLY, you’re definitely 100% pregnant. You have been given the greatest gift of all: the gift of a baby, and the gift of a life partner.

Ciao bella!

I love to exercise. Who doesn’t? I exercise every single day. Often, multiple times in a single day. If, for some reason, I have a particularly busy day, and I don’t think I’m going to have a moment to squeeze in an exercise, I won’t even bother getting out of bed. It’s just not worth it! That’s how dedicated I am to exercise. I will remain in my bed until all of those things that had made me busy in the first place eventually disappear and I can start exercising again. This is taking a lot longer than I thought I would. The busy days just keep piling up! What are some exercises I can do in bed?
-M. Robert Breakfast

Hello Breakfast!

I commend you on your positive attitude towards exercise. You are a true inspiration. Your dedication reminds me of a certain young man I knew back in the late 80s. He went by the name of Dwayne Rock back then, but you are probably more familiar with him under his current moniker: Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson. Perhaps you will be the next large Johnson in the fighting ring, if you keep up this rigid regimen!

As far as exercises in bed go, I do know one.

1. This one works best in winter. Before heading to bed drink one full glass of whiskey. Then, turn off the heat in your house or apartment. If you are wearing pajamas, take them off, making sure to fully nudify yourself. Now, fall asleep! The whiskey will make this part easy. Here’s where the exercise comes in. When you fall asleep you’ll feel warm as a mitten, but that’s just the whiskey talking. It’s convinced your insides that the outsides are warm. But little do the insides know that the outsides are actually quite cold—-so cold, in fact, that the outsides will be shivering all night long! Have you ever seen a nude, sleeping man shiver convulsively? I have seen plenty. If you turn your head askance, it looks exactly like he’s running! And where is this nude man (You are the nude man) running to? He’s running to the country of Fit Fabulous Bodies. Stay awhile.

Cheers, and good luck!

Stay puckered,


Heath Bomb,

I totally just benched 200 lbs. You should see my abs: 24 pack. Actually, maybe you shouldn’t because you’d probably cry.

Here’s my question for you: Where the “f” do you get off writing a health column when I’m clearly 197% healthier than you are? I piss wheat germ. I emit straight arugula from my backside. What’s your shit look like?

Jeez. No wonder newspapers are going downhill, they’re employing crying babies like you to write their health columns.

Why don’t you go find a rock to sit on and cry? Oh wait, that rock you’re sitting on? That’s my abs.



Thanks for writing, once again. While this may come as a surprise to you, health is not always a matter of total number of pounds benched or number of ab divisions. There are many facets to overall health, and the body is an extremely complex system that should not be reduced to muscle alone. In my field, we come across many men who are in as good a shape or better shape than you.  Many of those men suffer from back pains, bruised egos, smaller genitalia and the tendency to be extremely annoying. Despite their seemingly heightened physiques, these men I come across in my field can often not take the pressure or long hours of difficult manual labor that I require, and often pass out due to exhaustion or death while my smaller and leaner agrarian works can slave away on my field for hours on end without complaint or incident.

Men are often dismissive of crying because they view the act as weak, effeminate and infantile (“babylike” as you or a baby call it), but what they do not understand is that a regular regimen of crying is one of the best ways to maintain an optimal level of overall health. Don’t believe me? Think of it this way: Every time you cry, you burn upwards of 2 calories. That might not sound like much, but to us “Crying babies writing health columns”, it is a constant and consistent full day work-out. As we lose hope, we lose weight. I cannot recommend constant crying enough as the perfect antidote to increase fitness and thereby self-esteem.

And guess what, Captain Body? If you piss wheat grass and shit acai berries, then you clearly are eating an excess of nutrients, guy. “Shitting” is throwing out what your body doesn’t need, and eating things your body doesn’t need is UNHEALTHY. So you might expel only whole foods as bodily waste but I haven’t taken a dump in nearly six weeks, so who works where now, Mr. Clean?

Get Fucked,



2 responses to “Ask Heath About Health!

  1. i laughed out loud

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