Kids, Sit Down

dad_sitting_smallKids, sit down.  Okay, we’re all here?  Gary?  Lindsay?  Gary?  Sorry again about the name, second Gary – totally slipped my mind.  Well, you keep saving up that allowance, and you can make it whatever you want!  Yup!  …no, not Pikachu.  They don’t let you name yourself Pikachu.  That’s just a rule, I don’t know.

Anyways, anyways!  Kids, me and your mother have something to tell you.  I- Yes, I know your mother isn’t here.  Well, she was busy – she had to pick up the kids from soccer practice or something.  …good point, Lindsay.  I guess I don’t actually know where she is.  But I ran this by her yesterday, and she agreed, so if you please?

Kids, it’s time you learned something.  You’re getting older, and pretty soon you’ll be legally responsible for yourselves.  Sure, that’s years off still, but you should have all the facts at your disposal.  You’re 14, 11, and 9, respectively, and you’ve believed something for years that just isn’t true, and I’m sorry to say it, but your mother and I are responsible.  We thought you’d have figured it out by now, we thought some other kids at school might have told you something, but…

Well, kids… you remember last Christmas?  When Santa brought all your gifts – the Nintendo, the sweaters, the Kideo CD?  Kids, I don’t know how to tell you this, but…

Kids, Kideo is actually a terrible band.

Sit down.  Please, please, calm down.  Kids, I… I’m sorry I didn’t tell you sooner.  I know it seems crazy, but… they’ve got no hooks, their riffs are stale, and their lyrics are facile, if not condescendingly mundane.

…but it’s the truth!  Doesn’t it make more sense this way?  I mean, the concerts are full of kids being dragged by their parents!  They’ve had years and years and countless chances, but they just haven’t achieved mainstream success – they’re a niche band!  They sing about how kids can rock – of course kids’ll like ‘em!

…of course I think you can rock, kids!  Just… just try rocking to something that actually rocks!  Try real rock!  Did you even listen to the Creedence CDs I lent you?  They don’t even rock that hard, but they still rock harder than a bunch of primary colour wigs for chrissakes.

…Gary One, that’s a hurtful thing to say.  You’re speaking out of hurt feelings.  Gary, I’m especially surprised that you hadn’t figured it out by now.  You’re 14!  What the hell are you doing listening to Kideo?  Do you… do you play them when you’re hanging out with friends?  I’ve even smelled you smoking pot – do you get high and listen to G-D Kideo?  That’s horrifying!

Don’t-  …okay, he’s gone.  Lindsay, Gary the Second, please.  Take your time, think about it, just… me and your mother just wanted you to start listening to nice music, not that mean stuff that’s out there.  You know, like we put the training wheels on when you were learning to ride your bike?

…oh, Jesus – don’t tell primary Gary I told you about training wheels.  Look, sorry… forget I brought anything up.  Here’s five bucks – go get some Popeye smokes and never breathe a word of this to anyone else.

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