ATTN: All Students, Ms. Garcia-Thompson’s Second Grade Class, PS-1286
RE: Regime Change
Following the events of last week’s in-class presidential election, your new democratically elected leader, Mr. John Davis Jefferson (“DJ”) Moore, would like to take this chance to debrief you on exactly how he plans to improve your public school experience. First off, regarding his campaign, your President wishes you to know this: the elephant rides were a mistake. We have paid dearly for them with the blood of one your classmates, a young Latino boy who was tragically trampled when the 1900lb animal was spooked by a Roman Candle. And while your president is sensitive to the circulating rumors that the young man was undocumented, he wants you to know that even if this hearsay were true, it would only make this unfortunate turn of events slightly less tragic than it is.
This event contributes to the rise in complaints that President Moore’s campaign was marred by shameless razzle-dazzle, with many of the pressing questions lost in the repeated refrains of James Brown’s “Living in America.” Your President is sensitive to your concerns and feels that together, we can move forward. With this in mind, President Moore would like you to be aware of the following:
- Go ahead and call him DJ. Please. President Moore came to this country seven and one half years ago with nothing but the amniotic fluid on his back and the American Dream in his heart. Sure he’s ambitious. Sure he’s dispassionate. But he is foremost a man of the people. You’ll be amazed at how easy it is to relate to him. President Moore likes cold soda, catching junebugs, ground rule doubles and the movie Holes. He’s just like you. So go ahead peers, call him DJ.
- On the subject of which superhero could defeat which other superhero: Superman will be the official class superhero. As the last Son of Krypton and the strongest being on all of the planet, it would undoubtedly be Superman who would win any fight. While there is the outside chance that Batman could make Kryptonite bullets, this is only conjecture at this point. Further, nobody shall endorse Batman as a superhero of choice. This administration does not condone vigilantism in any form.
- Contrary to his opponent, DJ doesn’t believe that naps are the ‘opiate of the masses.’ In fact, his opponent (a diagnosed liberal) can eat his daily Dunkaroo rations by the bike racks behind the backstop for all President DJ cares. President DJ likes naps and thinks that naptime should be expanded to 20 minutes per day. Nap privileges are subject to adherence to behavioral conduct.
- Any discussion of whether the Hulk could beat Superman, or any other sort of DC/Marvel Universe cross-overs will be deemed non-canon.
- As students in Ms. Garcia-Thompson’s class, you are now member’s of the President DJ booster club, an auxiliary association of the federation of Young Republicans. Chapter meetings will be held ever second Thursday under the slide during afternoon recess. Failure to report may result in tightening of cloak room privileges.
- While not mandatory, it is highly recommended that you invite President John Davis Jefferson Moore to your upcoming birthday party. Because really, why doesn’t anyone invite him? Is it because his father is the Ward 5 alderman and your parents have told you that Mr. Patrick Steven Moore is something of a radical? Are they afraid of his political beliefs? Of his idea of what exactly it damn well means to be American?
- Henceforth, singing the national anthem and reciting the Pledge of Allegiance is mandatory. Anyone caught slouching, lip-syncing the the lyrics to “The Star Spangled Banner” or saying “I pledge allegiance to the fag of the United States of America…” will be removed from class immediately. Cloak room privileges will be reassessed on a case-by-case basis.
- Freedom of speech is a privilege, not a right.
- While the authority of Ms. Garcia-Thompson should be upheld, it is President DJ Moore who retains executive authority and is thus free to veto any or all of the three Rs, including the substitution of ‘rithmetic for recess.
- This class will now use its own money, effectively declaring its independence from these remnants of what was once these “United” States. A chart dictating the relative value of Duplo blocks is forthcoming.
- How do you confuse a liberal? Put him in a circular cloak room and ask him to wait in the corner!
- Prez Sez: FOUR MORE PIZZA DAYS!!!!
- Liberal thought will be carefully monitored. The President knows that you are kids, and there’s no need to worry about people dying on some Bangladeshi street when most of you are just dying for a snack.
- Seditionists will be detained in the cloak room as per your President’s wisdom.
- You shall strongly encourage your parents or legal guardians to petition for the immediate reinstatement of Patrick Steven Moore on the PTA.
- Your president, John Davis Jefferson Moore will receive an extra recess, which he will use to hone his line drives.
- The class will work to oppose any proposed efforts to rename this academy “Barack Obama Elementary.”
- With proper training, no child is too young to enact his right to bear arms.
- You will tell your limpdick liberal parents that President DJ is a cool guy and you will live knowing that Patrick Steven Moore could kick your dad’s ass.
- All these edicts are subject to change without warning, especially w/r/t recess and cloak room privileges.
With these rules in mind, your President feels that the classroom experience will greatly improve. Long live President Moore and God Bless America.
P.S. Moore, campaign manager/dad