Re: Volunteer Camp Retreat Itinerary

skipping-dorrigo2-2-smallOn June 13th, 10:43 am, Samuel Withenshaw wrote:

Hello volunteers!
On behalf of all the staff at Skip Rope for Heart, I would like to express our sincerest gratitude for all of your help coordinating and participating in the events of the last few months. Your continued efforts have helped to make 2009 the most successful year yet! We are offering a volunteer camping retreat this weekend as a way of expressing our thanks, and to help you stay committed to augmenting the human spirit through skipping. We have a lot of fun activities planned: swimming, canoeing, orienteering, as well as some trust exercises, so that we can all go that little extra mile in the race to get to know each other just a little bit better. And don’t worry folks—you can leave your skip-ropes at home!

Here is the camping Itinerary for Saturday:

7:45 AM-  Meet outside the school at 7:45 AM to be ready for 8:00 AM departure. Your first meal on the trip will be lunch, so pack appropriately. Bring a dry bag for your belongings (PACK TIGHTLY), and make sure you bring a waterproof bag as well, in case of rain.

11:00 AM – Arrive on site. Set up tents.

11:35 AM – Picnic lunch. (NOTE: Be mindful of your food waste, dispose of it all in plastic bag and lock it in the van, which will be parked away from the camp site.)

12:00 PM – Leisurely stroll about site

12:30 PM – Orienteering

1:30 PM  – Trust exercises, Casual frisbee throwing

2:15 PM – Canoe races, swimming

5:30 PM – Late afternoon snack (Provided)

6:15 PM – Board games, impromptu conversations and general free time

8:30 PM – Human Barbeque

9:30 PM – Site clean up (NOTE: Very important that nothing is left behind, all food waste is properly disposed of, even the slightest carelessly-strewn leftover from the barbeque is enough to attract unwanted visitors!)

10:15PM – Bonfire, group singalongs to Weezer songs on acoustic guitar

11:00PM – Ghost stories

11:45PM – Return to tents for sleep

Feel free to E-mail me with any questions!

On June 13, 10:49 am David Buchland wrote:
Human Barbeque?


On June 13, 11:51 am Samuel Withenshaw wrote:
Yes, the organization is providing and facilitating a barbeque for all those who join us on our weekend camping getaway expedition, at no extra cost to you.


On June 13,  12:07 pm David Buchland wrote:
Haha, Ok. I misunderstood, I thought that ‘Human Barbeque’ implied that we are going to be barbequeing humans, and not just that we are going to have a barbeque, and are humans (which I thought was self-implied.) Sorry for the alarmist reaction!


On June 13, 12:21 pm Mahmoud Omar wrote:
Just to make sure, if it is not a human barbeque in the way that Dave interpreted, could we make sure that there are non-pork options available? For religious reasons I abstain.


On June 13, 12:37 pm Samuel Withenshaw wrote:
You were right when you mentioned that stating we are humans is self-evident. It is indeed. I think we can all agree that there are no dogs, squirrels, or cashews on our organization’s listserv, and I would be the first to ring the alarmist bells, should that be the case. We will indeed be barbequeing humans at the Human Barbeque. Wow, didn’t expect this to cause so much confusion.


On June 13, 12:43 pm Isaac Goldstein wrote:
Yes, I as well must request a non-pork option for the barbeque, for similar religious reasons. What will be the alternatives? I, for one, like chicken and fish.


On June 13, 12:51 David Buchland wrote:
Still unclear: you mean like a regular barbeque, right? Barbequing beef burgers and pork hot dogs and chicken breast, right?


On June 13, 1:07pm Chett Briggs wrote:
I hate Weezer. Isn’t there something less gay we can sing?


On June 13, 1:12 Samuel Withenshaw wrote:
No, Dave: we have already determined that pork is not an option due to the religious beliefs of several of our volunteer organization. We do not wish to discriminate against them and I personally get little to no enjoyment from the taste of chicken or beef. We will be using a barbeque to cook the meat of freshly killed humans, upon having been cooked, we will eat the human meat. I trust I won’t have to explain this again.


On June 13, 1:26 pm  Isaac Goldstein wrote:
Oops! Just noticed that Sam answered my “alternatives” question before I had even asked. Apologies for the redundant question, looking forward to the trip!


On June 13, 1:41pm Mahmoud Omar wrote:
What about Coldplay?


On June 13, 4:01 pm David Buchland wrote:
Hey Sam,
Still feeling uncomfortable about the whole “human barbeque” element. Here’s an idea: if people aren’t into chicken or beef, maybe we could just miss the whole barbeque entirely and skip right to the ghost stories? Don’t mean to complicate things or derail the plan–It’s a great plan, just that one little element I take issue with.


On June 13 4:07 pm, Rick Redd wrote:
Without the human barbeque, the ghost stories are rendered irrelevant.


On June 13, 4:18 pm Samuel Withenshaw wrote:
Ricky is right. The whole point of the ghost stories is to be scared by the prospects of being haunted by the very people we had eaten just hours before. Dave, can we move on from the barbeque issue?
Chett, we won’t only be singing Weezer. Lewis, our acoustic guitarist, is well versed in an assortment of campfire classics: from Michael Row Your Boat Ashore to Koombaya–and everything in between. Hopefully there will be some music you can find an interest in throughout the night. Coldplay would be a good idea, but it might be hard to play their keyboard-centric music on an acoustic guitar.


On June 13, 4:26 pm, David Buchland wrote:



On June 13, 4:32 pm, Samuel Withenshaw wrote:
I apologize for the shock that this must have brought upon you, but there is nothing you can do to alter the course of the upcoming weekend. The eating of humans is, and has always been, an essential part of the Skip Rope for Heart Expedition. How else do you think we bring in so many new skipping ropes annually? What did you imagine was the reason that our organization recruits tens of new participants with each passing event? How do you think we ensure that our own hearts remain strong?
In life, there are no accidents. Hearts will not cure themselves. Skip-ropes do not appear magically. Certain sacrifices must be made to the overseers. We are powerless to change this. All we can do is attempt to be as fair and humane about the practice as possible.

Perhaps it will set your heart at ease if the process is explained:

The victim is chosen by a process of random selection, and placed on a sacrificial stone. The winner of the last month’s Skip-a-thon will cut through the victim’s abdomen with an obsidian or flint blade. The heart is torn out still beating and held towards the sky, to honor those who have given their energy to skipping for cures. The body is then carried away to be cleaned and prepared for the celebratory meal. The meat is seasoned with chipotle and barbeque sauce, served on a whole wheat bun  alongside an endive salad with a drizzle of balsamic vinaigrette.
We recognize that this process might sound barbaric to the uninitiated, but we are not ignorant people. We are not careless people. We know that the life of one human, while valuable, does not outweigh the greater good.
Your holier-than-thou moralist attitude is not appreciated by our charitable organization. Whether or not you intend on attending the retreat, you are quickly becoming a leading candidate for our random selection.

See you Saturday,

On June 13 4:25 pm Chett Briggs wrote:
All those bands are gay


One response to “Re: Volunteer Camp Retreat Itinerary

  1. The Ruler of the Universe

    Cannibal rituals kick ass!

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