SPEAKER: Elmer Whatshisname IV
AUTHOR: Elmer Whatshisname IV, Jr.
AFFILIATION: Regressive Conservative Party
DATE: October 12th, 1975
CANDIDATE: (greetings, baby kisses, waves waves waves) Welcome, welcome one and all, thank y’all for showin’ up on this blustery Bluesday!
Now, I know y’all’s busy workin’ hard this time of year, and I thank you deeply for comin’ out in face of fatigue. Myself, I ain’t much for manual labour, but I’m tired too – tired of tax hikes! Tired of payin’ for featherbeds to rest our convicted criminals’ lyin’ heads! But first ‘n foremost, ladies ‘n gentlemen, I’m tired of all this blasphemous big city pontificatin’ – what with them sayin’ things like, “Guns kill people”, “a stitch in time saves nine”, and most of all – and most of all! – them I’ve heard what’s sayin’ that women evolved from men!
(pause, outrage) That’s right! They’re sayin’ it! Well MY grandaddy wasn’t a woman – was yours? Didn’t think so! Now, maybe we ain’t got no re-search lab-or-atories, or government grants, or LINED paper, but we know how it goes! People, we know how it all happens: (point to chart) cats get real old and turn into dogs, dogs get real old and turn into ladies, and ladies get real old and turn into my wife! (laughter) Well, maybe not that last one – but definitely th’others! Maybe t’ain’t scientific, but that’s the way I likes it!
Now if’n anyone’s got some contradictatory evidence, I’d sure as sugar like to hear it!
CRONY: Uhh, yeah, I’d like to say something – I’m a liberal from the biiiiiig city, and maybe it’s just my big fat mouth talkin’, but I’m gonna call you a big fat liar! Also, I’d like to take this opportunity to call everyone else a bunch of jerks!
CANDIDATE: (quell crowd’s disapproval of liberal) Now, now, people, take it easy – this is still America, and we all get to speak our peace, no matter how evolved we may be! (pause, smirk, wait for laughter) Now sir, are you married?
CRONY: Shoot no! We don’t allow marriage in the big fat city! (belches)
CANDIDATE: Jeepers – you sound a lot like my distinguished opponent! (laughter) But now, sir, ‘mong those of us who happen to be married, we on occasion, pardon my legalese, become intimate with our better halves! Now – good, married people, I ask you: if’n we’re carnalizin’ with each other, and women do indeed come from men, then that’d make us out to be conjugatin’ with our own kind – by which I mean to say, if men and women are the same, then we’d all be guilty of the gross sin of homosex!
(lady faints) Goodness me, someone get her some water, or better yet, I’ll sell you this one for free! (give lady water) But now, good married couples, lemme ask you – is any y’all homosexual?
(audience outrage) Didn’t think so! Good people, I did not think so! So now, if y’all ain’t homosexuals, then y’all must be married to people what ain’t the same as you! Therefore, by the grand ol’ rule of facto corpus, because y’all’s married and not homosexed, men and women is once again as different as cats and dogs!
CRONY: Aww, heck! Looks like you outsmarted me and my fancy Jewish education!
CANDIDATE: Sure did, son! And so to you, good people: when you’re having one of those many tender moments with your dear wife or husband, and you don’t want it to be a mortal sin to do so, then think of me, ol’ Elmer Whatshisname, and think of that big ol’ vote you can cast for me this election season! Thank you, god bless.
(Editor’s note: the preceding speech was never actually delivered, due to it being accidentally leaked when it flew out Elmer Whatshisname IV Jr.’s passenger-side window. A scandal ensued, with opponents accusing the Whatshisnames of colluding with “big city types”, due to Elmer Whatshisname IV’s previous campaign claim that he had never learned to read “them big city words”. Nevertheless, the editors still feel it belongs in the pantheon of great speeches.)