Metacommentary Ruins Party

(New Brunswick, NJ) A perfectly good social gathering was spoiled Friday night when Rutger’s University sophomore Steven Conolly disrupted a party at a high school friend’s Bayard St. apartment. Conolly and several others were gathered at friend Andrew Temple’s bachelor apartment, allegedly streaming an episode of The Duel II on MTV.com, when Conolly let slip the sort of comment that he must have heard in class or something.

Conolly, who after minimal coercion from his peers, smoked a fairly insubstantial amount of marijuana from a ceramic dragon bong, reportedly proceeded to suggest that the next step in reality television programming could only be a reality TV show about a reality TV show. The comment allegedly alienated Conolly from the room full of friends and acquaintances.

“Oh man, it was terrible,” recalls partygoer Tyler McCormack, “We’re sitting there watching the Duel, and right when Dunbar is getting ready to choose who he’s going to take to the Duel, Steve says something like ‘Hmm…wouldn’t it be great if they made a show like this that was about shows like this?’ It was a pretty stupid thing to say.”

“The guy never brings his own beer or dope, and he’ll take like one hit of a joint and then just kind of sit there with his arms crossed, smirking to himself,” former friend Andrew Temple added. “What a dick.”

Friends Temple and McCormack, who have expressed an interest to never hang out with Conolly again, sit stunned in the wake of their former friend's tactless comment.

Friends Temple and McCormack, who have expressed an interest to never hang out with Conolly again, sit stunned in the wake of their former friend's tactless comment.

Having drained the 12′ x 14′ room of the previously convivial social atmosphere, Conolly attempted to save face by running roughshod over a series of theoretical readings of The Truman Show and The Matrix, just like a real asshole would. College boy’s stale insights where reportedly met by chorus of groans and exaggerated eye-rolling.

Conolly proceeded to alleviate tension by excusing himself to the bathroom, where he spent anywhere from four to six minutes pretending to urinate, washing his hands with Purel hand sanitizer and wondering to himself if he looked at all bleary eyed. He then returned to the party, uncomfortably sat on the arm of a love seat and asked who was winning, apparently oblivious to the fact that the program had quite obviously gone to commercial.

Over the course of the next hour, the liberal arts-educated smartass only spoke up to suggest that everyone come back to his place to play Rock Band 2, and to offer to go “halfs on a ‘za” with any other interested party attendee.

Witnesses report that Conolly quietly excused himself from the party around 12:47am and rode the H Bus home alone while he pretended to read Philip K. Dick’s Radio Free Albemuth.

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