Ask a German Stereotype

grandmotherDear German Stereotype:

I was talking to my friend Heloise last Tuesday – boy, is she a talker – and we got on the subject of good, wholesome movies to get the grandkids for Christmas.  I said I heard that there was a “DVD” of E.T. put out a few years ago, and figured it would probably be on clearance by now, and also I remember hearing it was a good Christian film.

But then, Helmut, you know what happened?  Heloise said that Jimmy Swaggart thought it was made by you-know-who – horned fellow, evil, lives in H-E-double-hockey-sticks?  What’s more, she said she heard that Ernest Hemingway was one of the inspirations for E.T.’s face, and I never much cared for his books – so indelicate!  Well, I guess I’ve gone on long enough – is this a good movie for my grandkids Aiden, Persephone and Brobert, angels all of them?  Or will it turn them into little Clintons?


Ethical Trinitarian


WagnerFJDear ET:

You have been weak and foolish to doubt your superior friend Heloise!  Few but the most enlightened know the true story of the heart-warming film E.T. It is a dark and insidious story, filled with lies and the wormlike side of humanity – you shall read further only if you wish to learn of the vile reality!

Your friend is correct in claiming Ernest Hemingway inspired a portion of the face of the E.T.  This portion was the mouth portion, and is responsible for the few words used by the E.T.  You have stated yourself to be a Christian – it is then in your interest to know that Ernest Hemingway was a non-Christian, worshipping matadors and making gods of Man instead.  It is such that your feeble Christian mind, and those of your feeble Christian grandchildren, would be reduced to a useless stuff if they were to view this Hemingway-monster in such resolutions as allowed by modern DVD discs.

Your American Hollywood’s corpse-robbery does not yield at Ernest Hemingway.  The eyes of the E.T. were taken from Albert Einstein, scientist of fame and also sayer of the quote “God does not play dice.”  Can your worldview subsist in the face of such an onslaught?  Can your children resist the godless temptation of a film in which exist the eyes of the man who insists that your omnipotent God fails in the act of chance-gaming?  It is my opinion that the answers are no and no to both questions.

It is my assumption that you have assumed the horror of truth-telling to be completed by this point.  It is the even more horrifying truth that you are wrong in this assumption!  The film of E.T. operates on the belief that the E.T. can survive on Planet and interact with human young.  This assumption, like all or most American assumptions, is a false assumption!  It is the scientific truth that the E.T. would carry slaughterful diseases, creating welts and death among its host children.  Similarly, the children would lay waste to the pathetic body of the E.T., further justifying the governmental intervention for to destroy all trace of this unknown monster.  It is my understanding that the original novel of the movie, E.T. and Me by Melissa Mathison, instructed its readers of a horrifying worldway in which impassionate evolution, imperious like a Militaryfather, cries no tears for the destruction of humans and aliens, despite their [cuteness] and marketability.  Where is your Christ?  What sins of theirs did your Christ die for, old lady?

Purchase the DVD disc of E.T. End your small attempt to grow Christ and apples-pie within your offspring.  Murder your rusting gods and prepare for the arrival of the Neozeit!  The introduction of the DVD of E.T. will force the ideological evolution of your offspring to accelerate or terminate, as the real the E.T. would force the immunosystems of the same!  The children must be scarred, and their brood must be made unbreakable, and it must be done so this Christmas with the purchase of E.T. Do, fast!

May your offspring avoid me,

Helmut Eindringling, German stereotype


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