JUL 04: Greetings, new roommate. Although I lack the ability to feel basic human emotions, I wish to communicate to you my gratitude and eagerness to be spending the next two months with you. That said, I feel there has been a miscommunication regarding certain aspects of a domestic nature. In the craigslist ad I posted, I requested that dishes be done promptly, and garbage be taken out punctually. These have not been done, and I fear the cleanliness of the apartment is suffering as a result. I mention this not as a matter of standard roommate protocol, but for your own safety – while I am not susceptible to bacterial disease, you are. Please take care to follow the calendar located in the kitchen.
JUL 08: I apologize again for disposing of your dinner. I again remind you that it had been left unattended for four minutes while you were busy in the bathroom, and that the cat was dangerously close to eating a small portion of it. Moreover, my pre-emptive cleaning of your dishes is, in fact, the direct result of your inability to do so yourself. I have taken it upon myself to keep the kitchen clean, as your efforts in this regard have been lacking. If you are willing to make more of an effort, then I can cease this endeavour; otherwise, I would be willing to offer you a similarly time-consuming chore to do in your dishes’ stead. Thank you.
JUL 09: Do not be alarmed, for this note is not chore-based in nature. I have recently overheard you singing during your daily hygienic routine, and have noticed that you have difficulty in achieving the correct pitch of many notes. Furthermore, your lyrical memory seems woefully inadequate to the task of recreating the words of an entire song. Perhaps you would benefit from some singing lessons? I am an android, and can accurately recreate over 5,120,000 well-known pop, classical, jazz and worldbeat songs. If this is not to your liking, I would be pleased to provide a harmonic baseline from which you could more correctly determine any errors in pitch while singing. I shall make an effort to be available for the next several mornings, should desire my assistance.
JUL 16: Although I am loathe to breach a subject I am not too familiar with, I am afraid that I must. I have the distinct impression that you believe I am behaving in a “passive-aggressive” manner. I have delineated this by your recent addition of “be passive-aggressive” to my “to-do” list. This is not true: I have no emotional core to protect by distancing my actions from my intentions. Furthermore, it was unnecessary for you to scratch out all other entries in the list – as I am an android, I maintain the true list in my internal memory. The list on the refrigerator is for your benefit, that you may assist or make requests of my daily routine. Furthermore, as your presence in our apartment is erratic, I feel the notes are a more secure way of reaching you. Given that you often sleep in your bed, your pillow is the most assured place for you to find them – nothing more. Regardless, I assure you that your belief that I am passive is both false and, were I human, offensive. For harmony’s sake, please correct your impression of me accordingly. Thank you.
JUL 18: Although I am confused as to the exact reasons for your anger, I apologize for my intrusion into your room last night. I was simply wondering if you had fed the cat recently – I was not attempting to “block” your “cock”. Similarly, I was not a “pervert” or “creep” as your companion exclaimed – my lingering in the door was due to a difficulty in divining the exact reason for your agitation. To avoid such incidents in the future, please attempt to calmly explain to me the reasons for your embarrassment, rather than throwing books at me. Furthermore, rather than an ambiguous sock placed on your doorknob, you might consider placing a more revelatory note on your door – for example, “I am having sex – do not interrupt my sex.” Thank you.
JUL 27: My cursory investigation complete, I shall now offer you an apology for what I now realize was an error in human judgement. Three days ago, during your parents’ visit to our shared apartment, I conversationally informed them of my debatable “cockblock” in the previous week. I have now learned via the internet that many humans choose not to share details of their romantic lives with their parents for reasons of shame and polity. Although it may undermine my apology to do so, I must request that in the future you inform me of these peculiarities, ideally beforehand, but at least afterwards. Screaming obscenities neither informed me of the exact nature of my error, nor assuaged your mother’s concerns for your “whorish soul”. Thank you.
AUG 01: Your recent behaviour is confusing, and I cannot feel as though I have again unwittingly transgressed. I have noticed a distinct trend of late wherein you hurl garbage at me, often going out of your way to do so. Perhaps you have had a dream in which I functioned as a garbage receptacle, and have confused waking reality for this dream. Perhaps you are attempting to renegotiate an implicit roommate contract, whereby I am responsible for the garbage elimination? If this is the case, I am sure an explicit contract can be established, and an equitable arrangement reached. Until such time, I’m afraid I must request that you cease all garbage-hurling activities, as they interfere with my usual cleanliness routine. Thank you.
AUG 03: Where have you gone? Although I respect your right to privacy, I must press the issue, as you have signed an informal contract for two months’ rent, and have yet to pay the final month’s rent. Although I cannot be hurt, I imagine that a human would feel betrayed in such a situation. I place this note on your pillow, in the hopes that you have simply gone on an impromptu vacation, and will shortly return. Please leave your rent on top of the refrigerator when you return. Thank you.
AUG 06: The landlord is greatly upset by your failure to pay rent in a timely fashion, and I am perplexed by your continued absence from our apartment. Given that the objects that remain herein are largely those included in the sublet, and the distinctly personal items you have left behind are of minimal monetary value, I must assume you have abandoned your commitment to the sublet. However, I am programmed to place a great deal of importance on both contracts and friendship. I leave this note on your pillow now in the hopes that you find it before I find you. Thank you.