You Know, Phil Collins is a Pretty Cool Guy

phil-collins-20060910-159813Hey there, where you headed?

Great!  Me too!  Hop in!

What time is it now, 11:30?  What’s a kid your age doing hitchhiking at this hour?  Heck, what’s a kid your age doing hitchhiking?

…well, fair enough – we’ve all got problems.  Even me.

Oh, sorry.  My name’s… name’s Bill.  Bill Collins.

Yeah, I get that all the time.  No relation, though.  I know I look like him and sound like him, but…

…sorry, I’m not used to talking – been driving this truck for a long time now.

…I know it’s not a truck.  I just call it a truck, ‘cause it sounds tougher.

…no, Lumina.  ’93, I think.  Used, but still a lot of life left in ‘er.

Used, but still a lot of life left in ‘er…

Used, but…

…mind if I put on the radio?  There we go.

Whoa!  Speak of the devil – “In The Air Tonight.”  Great song.  Great fucking song.  Just soak it in… let it happen…

Sorry – my mind kinda wanders.  Think a lot about the past.  You know, I didn’t always drive around in a van.  Used to have a sports car.  Sports car with a mean jean jacket.  Girls too.  Girls in my sports car.  Money too.

What happened?  Divorce is what happened, kid.  Divorce after divorce after divorce… I love the ladies, y’know?  And when you’ve got a sports car and a mean jean jacket, it’s like an expressway straight to Ladytown, lemme tell ya.  Then the old job fell through, and all I had left was the old Lumina.  So I roll with the punches – I just ride.  Sometimes I ride all night.

But yeah, divorces.  Don’t get married, kid – just ends up bad.  They end up leaving you for some younger, cooler, Steve Perry type.  Take it from a guy who’s been married more times than you’ve, say, enjoyed a Phil Collins song.

Whaddaya mean, you don’t like Phil Collins!?

How about “golden age of Genesis!”?  How about “Another Day in Paradise”!?  How about “he’s a cool guy!”?

WHAT!?

Okay, okay, okay.  You’re young.  Maybe you’re right, for all you know.  But you don’t know.  You don’t know that there was a time when Phil Collins was the coolest sonofabitch in the goddamn world.  I mean, his stuff would come on, and the radio fans, they’d go nuts.  You could hear them scream when a song of his came on.  You could be in a soundproof recording studio, and you could still hear them loving his songs.

What?

How about No Jacket Required?  All those stupid punk bands were doing distortion and swears and all that stuff, and Collins said “No way, Jose – I want some goddamn trombones!”  He was, like, too punk for punk!  Yeah!

…well, this song is pretty good.  Got that drum beat.  Well I ree-memBAH!  Great delivery!  And I’m sure you like “You Can’t Hurry Love,” and I’m pretty sure you know that I wrote it.

Yes, that’s right.  Phil Collins wrote…

…look, I told you – I am not Phil Collins!  Why do you keep saying that?

…no, you said it a LOT.  Like, five times already.

…look, this is pointless.  What matters is that when you get down to it, Phil Collins is a pretty rad dude.  I’d be thrilled to meet him.  I’d be thrilled to meet him late at night when I’m down on my luck, thrilled to be adopted by him, thrilled if he’d “Take Me Home” and play Sega Master System for…

…really?!

…no, you’re thinking of Peter Gabriel.  Why does everyone-

…oh come on.  It wasn’t my usual stuff!  Tarzan was for kids!  I mean, everyone loves Bowie for Labyrinth, but I get shit on for-

…no, I didn’t say that.  I said “Phil gets shit on.”

Look, it doesn’t matter!  You’re too young!  You’re too young to appreciate the intricate production, and you need a father figure who…

…maybe you’re not as cool as you think you are.  Hmm?  Ever think about that?

…that’s just a lie.  I told you, I’ve been married.

…to ladies.

…no, you shut up.

…no, you are.

…oh yeah, well, how gay is… is… iiiiiis… THIS!

DOODOOMP

…….DOODOOMP

…….…….DOODOOMP

…….…….…….DOODOOMP

…….…….…….…….DOOMP

…….…….…….…….DOOMP

BOOMP

BOODJAHHH DOOMP

BOO-boomp…

…….djahhhhh…

…….

…….

…….

…….

…….

…….…get the fuck out of my ex-wife’s Lumina.

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2 responses to “You Know, Phil Collins is a Pretty Cool Guy

  1. Probably the first guy to wear a blazer with denim slacks. That’s pretty punk rock.

  2. I just came across this. It’s hilarious! I love Phil Collins and I love that you made it funny without trying to cut him down as the cooler-than-thou crowd loves to do. Thanks for the laugh.

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