Q: Everyone at school bullies me for being gay. The trouble is, I’m not gay in fact I would really like to have a girl friend but the only trouble is that no girls want to like me because all the guys at school say that I’m gay. How do I escape this torment?
PS I’m really not gay
Well, this goes against everything I believe since my ReBirth, but I must say that the best way to introduce yourself to a girl is by being a bully. Terrorize all on your school yard. Push kids over. Roof any and all tennis balls in sight. Pop wheelchair wheels. Do whatever you please. It will get their attention. Since my ReBirth I am no longer doing activities like that, but if I were ever to start again I know it would attract plenty of Girls. Right now, I have no girls and that is fine with me. I have devoted my life to a higher calling.
But when I was a bully, I had so much pre-teen poon it was crazy. One time Janny Michaelson totally let me pull my pants down in front of her and she looked at my thing for 10 seconds straight, no joke. And I was harded up too.
Dear Billy Bully,
I am so hungry and there is only one reason for this hunger and his name is CHET BREWSTER. Everyone calls him Brewster, which is a pretty cool name unlike mine but really he’s not all that cool of a guy even though he can pick me up by my collar which he did and then I (!!!!) got in trouble for it because the lunch lady saw me throw my chocolate milk down on the ground near his feet after it. It exploded because it’s cardboard and chocolate milk got all over his LA GEARs. HA HA. It’s kind of like I’m the bully now, right? No not at all. See Brewster (his name is cool because it sounds like the Brewers, everybody’s favourite team cuz of Paul Molitor) is the biggest bully in my entire school. He bullies me all the time and steals all of my lunch and lunch money. He even gets me to tell my Mom to make non-gluten bread sandwiches because of his allergies. I know it would be an easy way out of this bully situation just to poison him but i think if i did that then it would be like this story we r ead in mrs. wong’s english class about this guy who killed another guy and then a heart kept popping up and down on the floor which reminded him of how he cut this guy’s heart out.
long story short, please tell me what i can do. i want lunch money and i want lunches. brewster steals my SHIT everyday no matter what and these are the years when i want to eat really badly because i want to get really big for girls.
thank you very much,
You put in too much information in your question. Look no further–that’s your first problem right there. I can just imagine what it must be like to stand next to you in the lunch line: someone asks you about what’s on the menu and you start blabbering on about medieval weaponry or circuitry or the maximum speed of commercial jet planes. As anti-bullying activist I don’t advocate violence in any situation, but it honestly seems like the only way to shut you up would be to give you a solid clock on the jaw. So next time you want to tell someone about sonic booms or your allergies or what baseball cards you traded, can it. No one cares about any that stuff. And another thing: don’t have allergies. No cool person has ever had an allergy. The fact that you are being bullied by a kid with an allergy is… well, to be honest I don’t even know how to approach that. You are a pack of wolves being hunted by a wounded deer.
I would say go for the poisoning (which wouldn’t be difficult because allergy kids have weak bodies and are prone to early deaths), but its really just a patchwork solution to a deeper problem. The second this guy is dead, another person will just immediately come around, notice what a loser you are, and pick you apart. The truly important lesson is for you to learn to stand up for yourself. The first step in doing this is completely changing everything about yourself, to become a person who is cool enough to not be bullied. Whatever type of shirt your classmates are wearing, buy one that looks similar, but is more expensive. Get a haircut that looks the same as everyone else’s, but from a fancier barber. If someone approaches you, ask them to wash their hands first because you fear that their class in unclean.
Or, you could try the simple solution: stop being a loser, and no one will bully you. Guy is stealing your lunches? Roll with the punches. Guy is punching you? Thank him for building up your resistance to pain. You are victimizing yourself by writing to me, and in doing so, you are becoming your own biggest bully.
Dear Billy Bully,
I’m an accountant with the firm Mathers Crandall and Himp. We have busy days, with our inboxes and outboxes riding a beautiful see-saw between empty and full, empty and full. All of this work means that we all like to relax. And where do we relax? The water cooler, of course. My colleagues all gather around the water cooler to discuss the previous night’s Perfect Strangers episode or that 250k question on Regis the night prior.
I of course need to unwind as well, but I do not feel comfortable around the water cooler. Why, you ask? Harrison Crandal Himp is why. His father and mother are both partners in the company so he does and says whatever he wants whenever he wants. One of the things he does and says is that every time I approach the water cooler, with a warm inviting smile on my lips and a half-chuckle already emitting from my mouth, he calls me a “Queen.”
I have scripted a one act play.
Joanne (from HR): So you’ll never guess what Balki said.
Trek (from Accounting– ha ha yes I know we all are FROM accounting but he does OUR accounting 😉 ): Don’t spoil it! I VHS’d it last night so I could watch the Whalers game!
Geoff: Boy, am I relaxed. This is the best, eh, guys.
A man approaches. He is an average man, a regular man. He is me. He is Everyman.
He smiles as he walks towards the water cooler.
Everyman (half-laugh emitting from mouth): Bronson Pinchot is our generation’s—-
Just then, a jackal, wearing a flaming red suit, complete with tails and pitchfork emerges from the office-kitchen shadows, tossing Triscuits in the air and declaring:
Harrison: Who invited the QUEEN!?
Everyman stops mid-sentence. He slumps. He creates a water cooler of the eyes as he runs back to his cubicle to stare at a Magic Eye and dream of the days before Harrison took advantage of this nepotistic world.
Harrison laughs loudly.
Everyman unplugs his Epson and strangles himself.
—- This is the one act play that has the potential to become reality. Help me, Billy Bully. Help me defeat the Jackal and win Joanne’s heart!
My dad told me this would happen. He warned me that if I gave out my e-mail address to help people out with bullying, then “that queen from the office” (he means you) “would try to seduce you” (he means me) “with his faggy plays”. He told me to tell you that if you try to talk to me ever again he will call the police (which I think he already did anyway) and tell them you have an apartment full of hard drives riddled with child pornography. He says that because he is a famous lawyer he can prove it without evidence. He also says that he looks forward to seeing you on Monday at the water cooler.
Billy Crandall Himp, son
Last week you told that little shit Errol Weinberg to stand up for himself and next thing I know I’m getting called into the office by that pint-sized principal Mr. Dennis, and then there’s the two of them, that Weinberg pipsqueak and that little runt principal, sitting together in the office, telling me to give back the lunch money or else. So I told them hey its too late for me to give back the lunch money because I already spent it on lunch, but why don’t I just go ahead and give back the lunch that I bought and they said Yeah why don’t you and so I said Ok, here it is, a couple of Knuckle Sandwiches! Now I’m on washing duty until Wednesday.
Your days are numbered, Tiny Tim. Starting right now, I am initiating a campaign of bullying the shit out of you.
Oh my God, I should step away from the computer because I am salivating at the mouth to fight you. And make no mistake, I will fight you. And make no mistake, I will win.
Billy Bully officially announces his return to bullying with this, his first bully match in 2.5 years with the Mayor of Pansy Town, whateverhisnameis.
You ever eat dirt? You wanna?
Sorry, I’m too busy shoving your face in dirt to listen to your response.
Weep, buddy, weep. Bullying starts now. No escape.
– Frank ‘N Beanz