Got a hankering for history up-close? Well, you’ve come to the right place. TL has unearthed a ream of real journals written by real people at the forefront of major historical events. For your edification, Terminal Laughter presents… Historical Journals!
Up first: Hat-maker Jasper Wren’s diary from the fateful maiden voyage of that great ship, the Titanic.
April 9th, 1912
Mood: Hopeful, yet frazzled
– One day left until my voyage to America. I shall be opening the world’s greatest haberdashery in the new capital of the world, New York City! Now, must focus on gathering my belongings and preparing my hats for stowage. Still have not come up with suitable alternative to bowler. These are great, but everyone has them, ya know? I want the Titanic of hats, the hat that stands apart from all other hats and declares: I am unsinkable!
April 10th, 1912
Location: Docked at Southampton, on the great ship
– What a night that was. After massive eureka towards the close of the eve I called on Marissa, my seamstress and we set to work designing my new hats. I’ve got 45 of them made. They should sell well on this ship, I believe. Must not get too seduced by the easy money though. Need to save a few so the specifications remain the same for when I enter massive production phase in America. Will need many labourers. Oh, look at me! Still talking hats when I am on this wonderful ship. This wonderful, unsinkable ship. It is truly an inspiration.
April 11th, 1912
Location: The sea!
– Life on an unsinkable ship is truly wondrous. Met the inimitable Miss Molly Brown, who nearly glows with luxury from all pores. She insisted on purchasing one of my new hats, but I counter-insisted that she take it for free. Later as I lounged on the deck, I espied her entertaining the Astors with a few choice bon mots, and atop her head was my greatest creation, the Unsinkable Hat: The Titania!
April 12th, 1912
Location: Atlantic Ocean
Mood: Chugging along
– I fear I have sold too many hats, for I do not want to fall victim to a bowler-esque backlash. My Titania hats are seen all over the ship. A young street urchin type child, resembling a young Leonardo DiCaprio (name just popped in my head), fashioned a Titania of his own by intricately folding a handkerchief then presented it to a portly young maiden on the prow. Had to hold back the vomit from such saccharine happenings being associated with my sophisticated Titania hats.
April 13th, 1912
Weather: Who cares
Mood: Euphoric LOL
– So much schnapps at dinner! So much custard! Such fun! I am surrounded by my hats in my small cabin. I will not sell another. I have even begun to purchase some back from some of my customers. Why do they need an unsinkable hat when they are on an unsinkable ship!? Off to dance the Charleston. Ta.
April 14th, 1912
– What an unsinkable ship! And a fantastic day! Good night Captain! Good night waiters, waitresses! Good night chefs! Good night hats!
April 14th, 1912
April 14th, 1912
Location: My cabin
Weather: Wet, dreary
Mood: Frightened, but … Shit
Close to midnight – I have pushed my chairs and bed next to my cabin door, and while it keeps the people out, it does not drown out their pleading voices yelling at me for unsinkable hats. Well, I will not give them my hats. Marissa and I worked too hard on these to simply give them away.
Wait. Water beginning to seep in now. Probably nothing to fret too much about. Voices outside the door getting angrier demanding hats. I tossed one out my cabin window as a diversion and witnessed 3 men tear themselves to death, ripping limb after limb off their bodies, until all that remained were three man-stumps battering each other with their heads. A wave soon washed them away. I can still see my Titania, that dumb little Titanic-shaped hat floating near their corpses.
12:08 – Leaving my cabin now. I have unlocked the door to let the vultures fend for themselves. I shall crawl out the window and float away to safety with my hats. Really should have listened to Marissa and added motors to these hats. I pray I will live to see the day when all articles of clothing are motorized.
1:40 – In the ocean now, cold, held afloat by three Titanias, one under each arm and and another to keep my journal from the water. Licking the paint off its faux-prow for sustenance.
1:50 – Tired of hearing the sweet nothings whispered between the two lovers, the portly Brit and the scaggy American, I tossed 2 of my final Titanias at them, knocking the boy cold and shutting him up, sending him to a watery grave, thank the Lord. The portly lass caught the one Titania and seems to be swimming away fine, humming some terrible tune about hearts and distance.
2:01 – Marissa has forsaken me. The stitching on my final Titania not holding up with my weight. Regretting the custard now. Am sacrificing myself so the journal, and the story of this so-called unsinkable ship will live on. Placing journal on hat and letting myself sink to my death. Ta.
2:10 – Before leaving Southampton I put one Titania hat in the post, bound for the royal prince of Hungary and Bohemia, archduke Franz Ferdinand. He shall live on and let the world see my final creation. I die, wet and soggy, but my hat shall sit atop his royal Hungarian head forever.