Internal Memo From the Desk of Andrea Langley
To: CFO@wernerthorpe.com, CEO@wernerthorpe.com, VP@wernerthorpe.com, firstname.lastname@example.org, email@example.com, HR@wernerthorpe.com, firstname.lastname@example.org, email@example.com, firstname.lastname@example.org,
CC: Andrea Harkin
Date: September 21, 2009 5:15AM
RE: New Hirings
Good morning! 3 weeks of the quadrant done! We’re making progress and moving upwards, even making NEW HIRES in this unsteady climate! Why? Because WE are not unsteady…Who says new media will kill us anyway? Convergence is OVER(rated)! Now, down to business. Speaking of the new hires…
I refuse to be the second “Andrea” in this office. It’s me or her. Choose now. I will not work in an office where my name could be uttered and I could turn my head, exerting all of that cranial and neck energy for absolutely nothing. I have three proposals.
Option 1. Fire the second Andrea. She just started today. Sure, you may say that those in managerial roles are more of an asset to the company than data entry workers, and team newsletter editors, such as myself, but does this company not claim to value creativity and originality above all? I have an original name, being the office’s original Andrea. Who is this harlot who cannot even come up with a unique moniker? Get rid of her. Does she possess the creativity to write 12 horoscopes AND a crossword each month? Get rid of her. Does she possess the foresight to save 3 packages of extra office gum in her upper right desk drawer for those emergencies when the kitchen stock is depleted? Get rid of her.
Option 2. Assign her a new name. There are plenty of names available. Many once-popular names have fallen out of fashion. One of these would suit her perfectly. Bertha is nice. Ethel is pretty jazzy. Craig is also appropriate for her and would match her peaked brow and tough jawline.
Option 3. Kill her.
Hear me out. I know this company tries not to advocate violence in any form, but sometimes murder is exactly what can bring a team together. In World War II, the best way to rally the troops was to, as a team, kill a Nazi. In Vietnam, there was My Lai. Today, there is Andrea. Think of the message you send your workers when you ritualistically murder and dismember the imposter Andrea for all to see. Loyalty counts. Hope is alive and resides in the Werner Thorpe offices! (Productivity and creativity is sure to go up as well, as many will fear the sickle claw of your vengeance).
I hope you will take my suggestions under advisement. I will do my darndest to remain happy and behave civilly to the faux Andrea (Fauxndrea). For the sake of full disclosure and transparency, I am CC’ing Andrea herself on this memo.
Andrea, sleep softly. I wait.