We All Have to Make Sacrifices

kon_hiresYears before the invisible hands of the global recession were wringing the necks of our economy, there were tell-tale signs that disaster was impending. Between 1999 and 2009, the growth of the Morewood-Stalkfrew region averaged only around 2.6 per cent per annum, while our county counterparts have done much better. Although The Devil has dealt us all an evil blow by inventing the housing crisis, some communities seem to be handling the cards much better than others. We could take valuable lessons from our neighbors in our rush towards economic salvation.

Apart from missing our fiscal targets, year in and year out, our rapid accumulation of debt can be attributed to the following things:

i) low rates of growth

ii) the trend of skilled workers migrating to areas with stabler economies, while the number of unskilled workers continues to swell

iii) the collapse of primary industry

iii) drought

iv) divine anger

An extrapolation from the figures and data suggests that, barring any magic or Abrahamic flooding of money into the economy (or, for that matter, water into our rivers) the decline will continue at its current pace, and may even accelerate. Even a cursory look at the overall trends presents the same grim picture: things are not going to improve.

So, does this mean it is time to throw our hands up in the air and admit defeat? To beat our hands against the ground and cry out in despair? No, for we are cut from a nobler cloth. Our ancestors lived happily before the existence of flat screen TVs and SUVs, and we will continue to live happily now that such luxuries are not economically viable. We, as a community, can adapt to our new situation — but we ALL need to make sacrifices.

So far we have been shifting the burden onto our churches and municipal government. We have expected that these institutions make our sacrifices for us, but this is not sustainable. The point I am trying to make here, people, is that one major seasonal sacrifice is not enough.  We must each take our share of the responsibility and make individual sacrifices, to ensure that we can withstand these harsher times. We can all find different ways to chip in, and anything you might have to spare is both welcome and necessary for our survival. Most of us have something we barely need still kicking around the house. Be it a dog, a lame child, a tempestuous spouse — every little bit helps.

Many have been affected by the recent firings that the government has decreed. Town officials have become disheartened by teary-eye children wondering why their fathers can no longer bring home dinner for the family. But as we approach our seventh consecutive year of crop failure, it is clear that an upsurge of firings is even more necessary than ever.

If we are going to have success in future harvests, we need to keep setting our citizens on fire — this corn will not grow itself!

If children take issue with the city firing their fathers, let those same children do the firing themselves. Better yet–let fathers fire their children! That way our fields can be tilled by strong abled bodied men, not sobby weaklings sad about their charred daddies.

A call for widespread sacrifice might seem unrealistic, but here is a helpful and cost-saving exercise that you can easily perform at your own home: Invite a neighbour to dinner, and offer them a tea made from Buckeye and Redroot Pigeye. After the guest falls into a deep slumber, pierce their gullet using a sharpened corn-stock, catching the blood in a gourd (or several gourds). Once drained, use a slate rock to flense the body. Nail guest to giant slab of wood. Remove the intestines and use to scarf the skinless body, fastening the head to the wood slab. Wearing the skin as an overcoat, bring the guest to your cornfield and use as a scarecrow. Pour the gourds of blood out on the ground for maximum results. This simple exercise is a great and fun way to improve the harvests of both yourself and your community, by scaring away pesky birds.

We have all enjoyed the benefits of a single, seasonal, group festival as we present our sacrifice to Galh-Sargazhl. But there is one group that has NOT been sharing our enjoyment — our crops. Unless we step up to the challenge and offer up more of our citizens for ritual incineration, then before long we will ALL be sacrificed.


2 responses to “We All Have to Make Sacrifices

  1. But where do we find all of these gourds? The global recession has pushed gourd prices to titanic highs! Titanic titanic titanic!

  2. and with inflation ballooning we’re all going to look like a couple of “balloon boy” + falcon + henne – hoaxes !!!!

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