Dear Terminal Laughter contributors:
Greetings! I hope the past few weeks have been as good to you as they have been to the blog. As you know, our recent Titanic Historical Journal joke post has been a runaway success, generating upwards of dozens of hits per day! In addition to the usual levity-seeking jokesters, we have started attracting large numbers of people seeking information about the Titanic. By placing this topical trend in our comedic crosshairs, we have nearly doubled the popularity of our comedy division! This brings me to my point. I, the Terminal Laughter board of executives, in an effort to de-flag comedy-related sales and attract ad revenue, have decided to begin implementing search engine optimization (SEO) initiatives (or, as you may prefer to call them, ha-ha-haptimization initiatives!) into our comedy posts, effective immediately.
Here’s how it works: using Google AdWords, find the most popular searches for the subject you are lampooning, and use them. If you are writing a piece involving, for example, beeswax, try to incorporate the most common form of the word, and all common associates. Do not simply title your piece “Let’s Get Down To Beeswax” – while “beeswax” is popular, this title does not directly address the queries of many potential Googlers seeking “beeswax candles,” “pure beeswax,” and “natural beeswax”. Why not name the same piece “Let’s Get Down To Beeswax: Pure, Natural Beeswax Candles.” Now thousands more people can laugh at the article!
Now, about the articles: incorporate the key searches into the text twice in the introduction, twice in the conclusion, and at least once in the body. This may get repetitive, but you can overcome this using creativity! Try having a character only say the word “beeswax”. When this character runs into the character that only says “Burt’s Bees Lip Balm”, not only will sparks fly, but we can increase our Google searchability AND our ad revenue from potential sponsor Burt’s Bees! Also, so as not to discourage people lead to the site by our optimized titles, you might wish to incorporate some actual facts about pure, natural, organic beeswax candles.
Now beeswax is all well and good, but it’s not good business. Burt’s Bees and their beeswax are here to stay, but they top out at 300,000 searches. Google Analytics shows that “porn”, “boobs”, “Regis Philbin millionaire who”, and “gigantic boobs” are consistently the top searched items worldwide. Why not write something about them? You guys are creative – I’m laughing already! However, don’t “bee” too adult – Burt’s Bees wishes to reach a more family-friendly audience, so please, minimize your sauciness. Until Mr. Philbin responds to our advertorial inquests, we should “milk that honey train” for all it’s worth!
Finally, on less of a Search Engine Ha-Ha-Haptimization note: have fun! It’s important to us that you, the writers, feel comfortable within these new guidelines. So if you ever feel writer’s blocked or angry trying to think up a new thing, try feeling happy instead! Remember – the Chinese google the same thing for “crisis” as they do for “opportunity”!
Rick Rockwell, CEO