Trick or Treat Tips From The Candyman

trick-or-treat-766190Question:
My mother says I’m too old for Trick or Treats (I’m almost thirteen), but Halloween is my favorite Holiday and I don’t want to have to stay inside and do my additions, as mother suggests. Am I too old, and if the answer is Yes, are there any fun activities that adults do on Halloween which I can now join? I really hate Kumon.
Answer:
Hey there bud,You’re never too old for trick or treatin. I go too. The trick to going trick or treating at any age is Costume. You’re 12, so I’d say you’re probably pretty mature and over stuff like Sesame Street, but why not fool the Household by dressing up as a character from this show? Hop into your garbage can and rub all that dirty garbage all over yourself. You’re Oscar the Grouch. Only a child, a baby, would dress as that for Halloween. And only a very young child (of appropriate trick or treat age) would rub actual garbage all over himself to get into character. The Household will definitely give you Kit and or Kats.
Or, try to shape your costume around physical features that you already have. For the third year running, I’ll be going as Winston Churchill.
Next question.

Question:

Dear Candyman,

I have a problem because I really want to start hanging out at the back doors during lunch hour. Those dudes seem pretty cool and that I’d fit in really well. I’ve mastered hacky sack on my own time (I rented She’s All That and watched that hacksack scene again and again), but now I just need an actual entrance into their gang. My hacky sack skills will come out once I’m friends with them. My skills, so madd, they’ll probably elect me group leader.

I figured free candy would be a way to get in their group. This is high school now though and only DBs still T+T.  A guaranteed way to not get into their group would be by going out T+Ting like a little baby. So maybe I should steal candy from little kids. Is this ethical? Is it do-able?

Help.

Graham

Answer:
Graham.
I am perplexed by your question. Are you insinuating that this new “cool group” does NOT go out trick or treating? Why would you want to be friends with these people? Your question does not make sense. And who are these “cool dudes”? Where is their sense of youth, their joy in living? Halloween is a celebration of the self, not some stepping rung on the social ladder.Stealing candy from children? This is completely unethical, and absolutely shameful and unthinkable. But completely do-able. I usually get my good friend Michael Switch, an eighth grader at a local public school that I once gave guitar lessons at, to distract the parents while I grab the child by the legs, turn it upside down so that all of the candy from its bag falls into mine.
Question:
Dear Candyman,I hate getting bad candy for Halloween. Where do you suggest I go to ensure that I don’t get any of those gross orange things that just rot my teeth?
Answer:
There are several ways to maximize your good candy/bad candy output, or as I have called it: The Reeses to Raisins Ratio. Houses with the best decorations often also give out the best treats, but sometimes based on personal discrimination, agism, or luck of the draw you will walk away from a house bearing only rockets, candy corn, or (worst of all) raisins, where just rooms away a bountiful basket of Reese’s Pieces sits untouched.There are several ways to overcome the obstacle of a stubborn father or petulant housewife who refuse to cough up the season’s gold based on their own prejudices. Often I will feign a medical emergency, such as a seasonal decoration-induced panic attack or a diabetes fit. Other times I will simply ask to use the washroom. Some houses will have an unlocked back entrance or open window which can be climbed through (though in recent years my ballooning girth has rendered such maneuvers more trying). Those will similar diagnosed medical problems will do best to explore other avenues before resorting to this more creative mode of entry. Any method works, as long as it gets you inside the house.
Once inside, the key is to locate the trove and become unattended. This is where the bathroom comes in handy. Few parents will insist on entering the bathroom with you, and if you take long enough (upwards of 20 minutes should do the trick), they will likely not wait outside for you the entire time. Once you hear the pitter-patter of they feet as they rush to fill the sacks of poor gullible toddlers with rockets and raisins, you can make your swift pillage. Rush to the hidden cornucopia of candy, take as you wish, and quickly find the nearest point of egress (it is important that you exit quickly, before you are discoverd, as what you are doing is technically illegal).Last year the discovery of one secret stash yielded two lamps, a jewelry box, leftovers from a delicious pork chop dinner, and an entire season of Ballykissangel on VHS, while my friend timid friend Michael Switch, still waiting at the door, left with only (literally) peanuts.

 

Question:
It’s only three days for Halloween and I don’t know what to dress up as. Last year I went as Sailor Moon and before that My Little Pony. This year I wanted to go as Polly Pocket but my sister says thats only for small girls. What is the best thing to dress up as now that I am big and where do you go shopping for costumes?Rebecca,
Age 8
Answer:
Hey Rebecca,

 

If you’re identifying yourself as “big” already at such a tender age, then maybe it’s time to give up on trick or treating all together. Leave it to the people who deserve it: the young and the young at heart. As far as costumes go, sometimes I don’t wear any costume at all, so when the Household answers the door and asks what I am I just say “I’m a 35 year old unemployed ex con with a lazy eye.””What a convincing costume, little boy!”
Sincerely,
Candyman

 

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