… They get ketchup all over their new outfit!
Madam Eta Carinae thought she’d have a quick lunch break before heading back to work. Looks like she got a little mooney for her homonocleus nebula snack and it exploded all over her! Uh oh… Here’s hoping she’s like us and packs a stick-on stain remover. In space, everyone can see your faux pas.
…..They get an attack of GREASE FACE!
As much as I love giving Arcturus a rough time about her shine, I’m going to let this slide, because she actually looks remarkably put-together compared to the way I normally look when I’m all spaced out. I just have to ask, though: why wear the over-the-top glare? I mean, we get the point: you’re a star. Do you really need those four stripes of light to draw attention to yourself? Talk about outfit overkill. Also, what is up with that camel toe?
….They do the morning-after walk of shame!
Crab Nebula may look beautiful behind the lens of the Hubble, but after a messy hook-up, they look just like we do: guilty and worn out! Old Crabby must have had a supernova of an evening. Hope he didn’t go home with ol’ Grease-face Arcturus, he may just have ended up catching his namesake!
…They get busted for bizarre sexual proclivities!
Orion may seem to be the picture perfect emblem of big screen innocence, but as this insider’s peek from the exterior of his bedroom window reveals, he also appears to be unable to achieve sexual arousal from any partner not wearing a Jimmy Fallon mask, just like the rest of us! Busted!
They burn out!
After years of being unappreciated and ignored by basically the whole galaxy, sometimes they just burn out. Sometimes they’re tired of the sun getting all the attention, just like how us regular people can get sick and tired of the son of the publisher getting all the attention. It’s bullshit. I’m tired of this. I work so hard and I’m still on the Stars! Just Like Us! beat, when that son gets to interview Kate Hudson AND Katy Perry in the same week! So, yes, after years of this treatment, after years of piling more shit into the trough that little girls around the world feed from and acquire body image issues from, people AND stars collapse in on themselves. We all have blood on our hands. Just like us! Stars get blood on their hands!
People call them babies for getting angry when they don’t get the raise they deserve!
Dun…Dun…Dundunnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM