Celebrity Riders Throughout History

Picture 3There’s been a lot of hullabaloo about celebrities’ increasingly detailed and absurd riders. These documents, detailing lavish and specific requests for backstage or green room goodies, are read with glee by millions hoping to catch a glimpse at the crazy lifestyle these celebs lead. But are they really newsworthy? Is a Nose newsworthy?Humans have had noses as far back as those first slippery steps out of the primordial ooze, and the same is true of riders. Terminal Laughter got its hands on some of the most notable riders from world history. So, grab a handful of red M&Ms, light a candle (50% beeswax, 40% mothwax, 10% flesh), and enjoy some rough ridering.

Henry VIII

Rider found at the site of the Protestant Church fundraising event “Boleyn For Dollars.”

–  Bible (uncut)

–  Head of lettuce

– Head of current wife (cut)

William Shakespeare

Notorious playwright William Shakespeare, notorious for bon mots, puns, witticisms and wordplay, was also noted for the specific rider attached to his appearances at the Globe Theatre.

– 3 X Playwriting for Dummies book

– Quicke Guide to Kinges and Queenes of Eenglande book

– Complete Works of Christopher Marlowe book

– Photocopier

Gandhi

Infamous, extremely secret rider found in cell phone pocket of Gandhi’s shawl.

– 5 (five) x AK 47

– 10 (ten) x Smith and Wesson pistols

– 10 (ten) x Cushions (Purple, Velvet exterior, Goose-feather lining – NB: the feather of any of other bird will NOT be acceptable, for reasons of morality and comfort.)

– 5 (five) x Fasting Men and Women (varying in age and creed)

– 3 (three) x Fast Men and Women (under 20, pls, pref Asian)

Gaaaaaaghhr

Famous Neanderthal, invented fire. Rider for his 10,050 B.C. speaking tour “The Three Uses of Sticks.” Found etched in stone.

-One large roasted elk (NB: Only Irish Elk, please. Any other elk is unacceptable), to be delivered to my tent at the completion of each lecture

-One large wheel, to be delivered to me immediately after invention

-Exactly one hour before each lecture, I need a hot coffee, freshly chilled. When I say freshly chilled, I mean it: I’m not fucking around here. I don’t know why this seems so hard to understand, but believe it or not this is probably the one thing that gets fucked up the most. I will put it plainly enough that even a barely functional idiot who has never used a pot, seen a coffee bean or heard of temperatures could not fuck this up. Do not bring me a warm coffee. Do not just try to slip me a fast one by throwing ice cubes in my hot coffee, watering it down once the ice melts. Also, do not think that you can get away with just taking a hot coffee and sticking it in the refrigerator for an hour. I will notice. I won’t even need to taste it to notice. I can smell the difference instantly. If its a hot coffee that has been left to sit out and become cold with time, I will reheat it myself with the same fire that I invented, and throw it on you. I want one hot coffee, freshly chilled. Fuck this up and you will be fired on the spot.

-8 boxes of Trojan-brand rabbit-skin condoms

Elie Wiesel

Noble prizewinning author Elie Wiesel has a very specific pre-reading ritual that requires plenty of concentration and a healthy dose of camp.

– Vaseline

– Tissues

– DVD Copy of “Boat Trip”

(Frank&Beanz)

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