poppyLike you, I went through most of my life believing that Remembrance Day was, without question, the most boring Holiday. You don’t get time off, they never talk about any of the cool war shit, and you have to spend at least one minute of the day doing absolutely nothing. Or so it would seem.  The moment of silence is not a typical time to chat up a woman, but that is exactly why it works so well. During the ceremony, Rememberers are generally discouraged from being too chatty, but you can say more with your body language and facial expressions than you can in an entire set of encyclopedias. Also, most women are so sad from all the remembering they’ve been doing that their defenses are down, leaving them vulnerable and penetrateable to your advances.

Expression #1: Pensive.

How To Make It: Look towards the horizon with a slight squint.

What it Means: This is the facial expression that best conveys a deep feeling of loss, and the one that you will probably want to use if you want to come across as both stoic and sensitive. Employing this expression may lead girls into thinking that you have personally known someone who has died at war, which exponentially increases your desirability factor. If you actually have lost someone to a war, that is fantastic–feel free to use it as an emotional memory tool. If not, try to think of something else to concentrate on. I usually think of a firm handshake.

Type of Girl it will Attract: Undergraduate history majors; vegetarians.

Expression #2: Grief-ridden, shifty-eyed, tears streaming down face revealing an inner agonizing torment.

How To Make It: Before the moment of silence, remove your poppy from your coat and place it in your pocket. When it is the MoS use the pin on the poppy to stab your thighs repeatedly. This should result in tears falling from your eyes. Now, look left and right rapidly. Imagine a pendulum in front of you.

What It Means: You have been deeply affected by the memory of fallen soldiers, and quite possibly by all memories. You are sensitive, in touch with your emotions and not afraid to let out a respectful sob when appropriate.

Type Of Girl It Will Attract: Goths.

Expression #3: Rock-like. Sturdy.

How To Make It: Imagine there is a long block of wood pushed up against your back. Try to make no expression at all. Study the flat mouthed emoticon for inspiration.

What It Means: You acknowledge that war is terrible, but you are strong still. You are the human equivalent of a bomb shelter. Women would be safe beside you, and you would be welcomed inside of them.

Type Of Girl It Will Attract: Virgins.

Expression # 4: Like you just remembered something.

How To Make It: Picture a light bulb above your head. Feel the bulb above you, bask in the light it gives off when at the moment of remembrance, it is turned on.

What It Means: You may have been zoning out for a second, but instantly your attention has zapped back to what is most important today: memory. This shows that you are not bound by convention; you work according to your own schedule but ultimately have your priorities intact. The instant facial registry of a thought suggests that your most recent memory might be more lucid and powerful than those who have been paying attention the entire time, suggesting that you are the smartest person in the room.

Type of Girl It Will Attract: Girls with glasses.

Expression #5: Forgetful

How To Make It: Rumple your forehead and scrunch your nose. Dart your eyes around the room, as if you have temporarily become lost. Shrug your shoulders. If when scanning the room you notice a girl of interest, lock eyes with her and ask in a hush: “What’s going on here?” or “Why is everybody in this room?” During a moment of silence, a little conversation can go a long way. If conversation is stilted or silenced, I usually fall back on the old candy trick. Before the MoS, be sure to go to a variety store and purchase a small candy, preferably mint. Place it in your mouth and lodge it under your tongue just before the trumpets and cannons begin. When the time is right, press your tongue down upon the candy. This will give the illusion of forgetting. Mid-way through the MoS, feign choking on the candy and begin loudly yelling for help. This will draw the attention of the room (and by extension, all girls in it) towards you. Ask one to give you the Heimleck Manoeuvre and her phone number.

What it Means: You are aloof, cool, self-reliant and non-committal. You aren’t about to be bogged down by the burden of having to remember stuff. You are up for anything, provided there’s no strings attached.

Type of Girl it will Attract: Governor General Michaelle Jean


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