By Mrs. Blumenstein
Hi there Panthers! We’ve had a speedy first decade of the new millennium. Y2k passed with no adieu and now we’re all (earth)quakin’ with fear about 2012… Unless of course we’ve taken Mr. Miller’s Ancient Civilizations course and we know the Mayans actually meant 2008, and nothing happened. So let’s talk about what really mattered this decade, shall we, Panthers?
Let me first show you a quote from the one of the best films of the last decade, swoon swoon, The Notebook!!!
Here’s all the love that made miracles at Carl Handler High over the last decade. I present for your perusal and excitement, the top five couples @ Carl Handler High!
Name: Rebecca Addison and Bradley Trevors
Graduating Year: 2006
Reason They Made The List: Something about these two just warms me in all the right places. They may not be heart-locket perfect, but that’s a big part of what makes them so charming! You just want to go right up to them and tell them that it’ll all be OK and not to fight always. One day they’ll see. I’m sure that you’ve all heard Meagin Lawson spreading nasty rumours about how Brad doesn’t treat Bex right and hasn’t always been faithful to her, but that’s what best friends do: they look out for each other and (hope I’m not stepping out too far here) sometimes get in the way of true love with their meddling over-protection! I hope that Meg learns that as much as she is trying to help out, she is just tearing them apart. Brad is the hunky heart-throb with a throbbing heart: his brooding demeanor is just a cover for a soul that holds a lot of pain and passion. Bex is adorable, intelligent and a perfect little gift from God sent to straighten out the bad boy. I just know they’ll resolve all their issues — until the day someone tells them about children and mortages! 😉
Most Swoony Moment: Bex yells at Brad, crying and saying if he really cared about her, he would stop taking other girls on long drives home along the parkway. His response: “Baby I love you”, before swooping in, like a love-sick eagle, for a perfect kiss. Swoon!
Name: Janey Lane and Chet Wilson
Graduating Year: 2009
Reason They Made The List: How could they not? You got a head cheerleader and a star quarterback and the only question is why aren’t they number 1?! I taught Chet French in grade 3 back when I was at Wilson Elementary and I have to say that even then I knew he’d be a total fox. Lucky Janey snagged him in grade 9 and didn’t let go. Word is they’re going to stay together forever and probably end up back at Carl Handler after they both get their teaching degrees. Hello staff room hook-ups!
Most Swoony Moment: With the winking permission of a certain romance-obsessed teacher (guilty!) Chet and Janey got their own personal hotel room during Montreal grad trip 09! Don’t tell Mom and Dad but looks like Janey and Chet are gonna be a Mom and Dad! 🙂 🙂 🙂
Name: Mr. Grant and Mrs Tew
Graduating Year: Teachers… As Wayne & Garth would say, Duh!
Reason They Made The List: 1+1 = 2? Wrong! 1 Math teacher + 1 more math teacher = 1 great couple!
Most Swoony Moment: When I caught the bouquet at their in-school assembly wedding. Watch out principal Deepak! I like my curry like I like my men: spicy!
Name: Bradley Trevors and Meagin Lawson
Graduating Year: 2006
Reason They Made The List: There is nothing more romantic than a secret tryst! You really have to care about someone if you are willing to hide your love under a blanket quilted from hush-hush. They did such a great job of keeping it under wraps, but there was one interested party who they weren’t fooling: ME! When these two private lovers entered a room, the lust weighed so heavy in the air that you needed an oxygen mask. Just catching a stolen glance between this pair of outlaw sweethearts was nearly enough to make me faint in my chair.
Most Swoony Moment: Fogle Quarry, 2004. I had to keep a safe distance so that I didn’t blow my cover, but the site of two abandoned bikes tossed carelessly beside the bustling bushes and the heaving sounds of adolescent passion reaching forbidden heights was enough to flood my mind with thoughts of steamy embrace that haunted my dreams for weeks.
Name: Barry Haggarty and Kindra Jaffal
Graduating Year: N/A
Reason They Made The List: Because I’m over it! Barry and I were engaged for seven years, but then he broke it all off because he wanted someone “younger”. Kinda funny he met the younger gal at a Handler High dance during a limbo contest. How low can you go, Barry? Well, apparently as low as a ninth grade student at the school I teach at. So glad it worked out well for him, though. He ruined my life for years but now I can see that Barry and Kindra are a match made in Heaven, and are meant to be together forever even though the age difference is totally f$#%d up and illegal, but when you think about it so are Edward and Bella in Twilight because he’s a centuries old vampire and she’s a young, vulnerable girl, and when you think about it more you realize Barry is an emotional vampire. I’m so happy for the love that they share and hope that no one ever calls the authorities on Barry because I’m not sure Kindie’s parents would allow her to visit him in jail, which would just be so sad for everyone.
Most Swoony Moment: Well fancy that, here he comes now, driving her up to the top of the escarpment in his Sunfire and telling her, let me guess, he’s got a lot of tension and needs some release. The sweet nothing sounds as familiar as the sound of sirens as they race up the hill, tipped off by some mysterious source, gunning to catch these statutory lovers in acts of carnal transgression, while I watch the storybook high school drama unfold standing perched at my safe teacher’s distance.
Looks like you might have to cancel your concert tonight, Barry boy. Such a shame, I was really looking forward to watching Old Time Rock and Rollers: the Silver Bullet Cover Band rock Grant O’Dooleys for the seventieth time, where the only night move they seem to be working on is getting so loaded on imitation Guiness that they forget which songs they’re supposed to be playing and start barfing out barf instead of lyrics, tripping over plastic spurs and leprechaun lamps.
Most swoony moment is probably at the abortion clinic when he offers to pay for it even though it’s an empty offer and when he runs to his car to get the wallet he “forgot” and you never see him again you know it’s just because, in his words, “this love scares me its so real.”