Dog in a Leather Jacket: The Complete Correspondence

Volume 1 – Robert

ryan-seacrest-yearbook-fat-boy-photoDearest Dog in a Leather Jacket:

How long has it been, old friend?  Two, three years?  My stars, I swear it seems only yesterday we were neighbours and confidants.  I trust the intervening years have preserved you much as you were, and that your hypersensitive ears might still attune themselves to me – though I am in the fullest flush of puberty, my troubles are fully-grown, I assure you.

Alas, I am in need of your keen nose for matters social.  I have a crush on a girl at school, but nary a clue of what to do.  She is very popular and pretty, I do not have many friends.  She is good at sports, I have a peg leg.  She is funny and a straight-A student, I am painfully humourless and routinely flunk out of school, only to sneak back in.  She has rainbow-elastic braces and a wonderful smile, my teeth are bashed and crooked and periodically emit a high-pitched squeal.  She opens doors with ease, my near-comical greasiness renders doorknobs inutile.  She answers questions in class, the act of raising my arm causes farts to escape me.  She bullies people, I get bullied – sadly, not by her.  She is everything good and desirable in the world!  I fear I cannot survive another day spent withering under her brilliance!  What am I to do, Dog in a Leather Jacket?

I apologize for the lack of personal exposition of the few years since last we spoke, but you know I never was one for such formalities.  I am certain the relevant events will become apparent by continued correspondence.

Fondest regards,

Robert

leatherjacketdog-smalldude wtf is wrong whth u?
why tf are u so greesy too?
shower man! thats grooss.
cum too buffalo, ill get u laid.
sry for spleling
peace
ps who ru
-----
Sent from my Blackberry-style device.

ryan-seacrest-yearbook-fat-boy-photoDearest Dog in a Leather Jacket:

Much as I appreciate your advice, it is simply out of the question that I should forget her.  Ah!, how she sets my heart on fire!  How she turns my spine to jelly!  There are days, I swear before you now, that she simply floats down the hall!  To touch the common, base floor would pollute her divinity!

But oh!  My woe is beyond mere grease – the removal of which is a medical impossibility, I have been assured.  No, beyond all the superficial distances between us, it is the distance between my persona and one of confidence that is of greatest concern!  How I long to hold her hand!  Upon being near her, my tongue becomes tied, my bones shake, my teeth squeal, and I sweat profusely, in such vast, rapid quantities that in mere seconds’ time, I appear to have wet myself.  Would that mater would purchase anything besides khaki pants for me!  A darker denim might grant me sufficient time to speak my peace!

Oh, Dog in a Leather Jacket, how I long for simpler days, when you graced my neighbourhood!  Upon leaving, you took your esteem with you – as well as what secondary esteem I received from my proximity to you.

As to your question of my identity, I am Robert!  Perhaps you might remember me better by the name “Blobbert,” as it was used more regularly (and at greater volumes) than my proper name e’er was.  “Snobbert” may also ring a few bells – good ones I hope.

Yours etc.,

Robert (aka “Blobbert,” “Snobbert,” “Slobbert,” “Blowjobbert,” “Fag,” “Fagbert,” “Fuck Off,” or any number of silent glowers)

leatherjacketdog-smallo hey dudd
stop bein a puzzy and askher out.
read the game an lern to pickup.
get a lether jaket
then comf\ 2 bufffalo
and well prarty if ur not gya.
peace
-----
Sent from my Blackberry-style device.

ryan-seacrest-yearbook-fat-boy-photoDearest Dog in a Leather Jacket:

I am afraid that disaster has struck.  Though I followed your advice to the letter, I failed spectacularly in my amorous pursuits.  I do not blame your advice, but myself.  Though I followed The Game precisely, I feel as though my underlying faults showed through the façade of confidence preached by the tome.

As it was, it went rather well up to a point.  I learned to make eye contact with her and approach immediately – and I did.  However, things quickly soured.  As I approached, she walked away.  I continued approaching, knowing that if I slowed or became distracted, my chances dropped to nil.  She continued evading.  Eventually, I began running.  Despite her athleticism and properly-fitting sneakers, my love carried me closer and closer to her.  But my peg leg could not feel the urgency of my heart, and gave way underneath me, causing me to fall into her fleeing feet, bringing her down partially beneath me in a screaming cacophony.  Proceeding to step two of The Game, I picked a source of her pride – her intelligent good looks – and belittled them, to “rattle her”.

I am uncertain whether her self-esteem was shaken enough to consider me in a more positive light.  Either I did not properly belittle her, or she did not hear me over her own screaming, or I did not have time to fully capture her attention – I was quickly pulled off of her by two burly associates of hers, who proceeded to pummel me in a manner reminiscent of our playfights of old, Dog in a Leather Jacket.

I fear I shall never live this defeat down, Dog in a Leather Jacket.  My old friends Defeat, Shame and Isolation now have a new friend, Embarrassment.  But I have no new friends.  I believe I shall be killed if I return to school, yet mater shall not allow me to homeschool myself.  Suicide, ever the bitter fruit, has sweetened to my mind’s taste.

Have you any words of encouragement, Dog in a Leather Jacket?  I need them now more than ever.

With utmost sincerity,

Robert

leatherjacketdog-smallthe game dusnt wrok if ur fat.
but watever - if u comd
to buffalo ican probz hook u up.
peace
-----
Sent from my Blackberry-style device.
 
leatherjacketdog-smalldude, u ther? i forgt:
dont kill ursleft.
-----
Sent from my Blackberry-style device.

ryan-seacrest-yearbook-fat-boy-photoDearest Dog in a Leather Jacket:

How ever can I thank you?  My plight – no, no, OUR plight – has been remedied!  As a result of the aggressive actions you recommended, I have been ordered to change educatory districts!  The flame of my love, far removed from its fuel, has begun to wither, and is now but a pale ember of its former inferno!  And – and! – this new domain brings with it a new damsel!

I am too lovelorn to describe her at present, Dog in a Leather Jacket – my heart can hardly keep itself from bursting out my mouth, else I would sing her praises eternal!  Oh, fanciful tongue – very well, make do with this one snippet: she is no less than TWICE as popular as the old maid I once idolized!

I shall rehearse The Game daily, and surely, you shall hear of my conquests!  I am certain of it!  I cannot thank you enough for talking me back from the brink of oblivion!  You have shown me the way – peg leg or no peg leg, grease or no grease, farts or no farts, I daily rededicate myself to the joys of the world!

Forever grateful,

Robert

leatherjacketdog-smalldude
srsly
who ru really
-----
Sent from my Blackberry-style device.

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