Ways To Fix the Santa Claus Parade

After record low parade attendance figures, the Santa Claus Parade Enthusiast Association contracted branding and event planning firm, Enter the Tainment to dream up new ideas for capturing new paradegoers. Terminal Laughter got its paws on the confidential document outlining these plans.

Re: Santa Claus Parade Attendance Figures

Ways to ‘Sleigh’ The Audience: Overhaul Suggestions for Santa Claus Parade

Prepared by Jeff ‘Stinger’ Roscoe, Tom ‘Mauler’ Miller and Carl ‘Bite Ya’ Brown

1. Grab the Arthouse Crowd by Rethinking the Order – Everyone knows Citizen Kane is widely considered to be the greatest movie of all time by critic-types, and how does it start? It starts with the sleigh. Forget build-up and suspense: start the Santa Claus parade with the man himself riding his own Rosebud. Tightly structure the rest of the parade as a series of flashbacks, with perhaps a few Lost-esque flashforwards in there for good measure. Show paradegoers the story of how Santa got to be the man he is today. Who did he step on to get to the top? Let’s see Santa as a young North Pole toy magnate crushing the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy. What’s his marriage like? People like conflict. Set a record for longest-float ever (grabbing the Guinness record crowd) by showing the growing distance between Mr and Mrs Claus across an ever-lengthening toy bench. You can end the parade on an upbeat note if you want. Our suggestion would be to have the elves organizing a union and protesting the parade itself.

2. Grab the Fitness Crowd by Changing the Paradegoer Routine – We all have horror stories from our childhood of freezing curbside for hours on end waiting for the Shriners to whiz by in their little cars. Remove that yearly slugfest, and turn it into a workout. Take advantage of the public love for rebellion and hype the new way of taking in the parade: go against the flow. Going against the flow, would mean to walk at a quick pace against the flow of the parade. Arrive at the final stop of the parade route just as the first float is pulling in. Walk or run against the flow of the parade until you reach the last float. If there are any paradegoers sluggishly sitting or standing, taking in the parade the old fashioned route, consider them obstacles to jump over or lunge away from. This year, prep your body for all that Xmas turkey & stuffing by taking part in the Santa Claus Parade work-out.

3. Grab the Teen Girl Crowd with a New Santa – Teen girls have disposable incomes to spend on things like parade souvenirs. Old, white-haired women, the type who would be attracted to a grizzled old-man-Santa type are on the last legs of life and the last pennies of their wallets. Santa is timeless; he doesn’t age. He hasn’t aged for years… much like a vampire. Latch onto the Santa/Vampire similarity. Suggest Santa himself is a vampire. Shave his beard. Dye his hair black then muss it up. Suggest his red suit is actually white and just stained with the blood of his victims. Give him fangs. Hold a city-wide contest for teen girls to be their parade’s Mrs. Claus. Have her stand awkwardly at the front of the float with Santa placed behind her, with his arms in her underarms and his head nuzzled on her shoulder. Make him look anguished. Perhaps he could run a candy cane up her torso seductively. Sell candy canes at a high-markup.

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