Man Shocked and Dismayed to Discover Identity of Biological Father

QUEBEC CITY, QUEBEC – A local man has spoken of his inner torment after discovering his long-lost father is actually a notorious pirate.


Ill-famed pirate Jack Sparrow (L), and estranged son Michel St. Pierre (R)

Five years ago Michel St. Pierre, 38, was informed that he had been adopted as an infant. After hearing the news, he became determined to reconnect with his biological parents. While his adoptive parents remained curiously tight-lipped, after scouring local records, St. Pierre’s quest yielded the booty he had been searching for. But Michel fell into a deep depression when he discovered his father’s true identity: infamous pirate Jack Sparrow.

“I was stunned, I fell into a state of total shock. I just couldn’t believe it. It came as a complete surprise to me.”

St. Pierre, given up for adoption as a 4-month-old, has told of his astonishment at finding out he was the son of a no-good filibuster.

“When you find out you are adopted, naturally you always wonder if your father could have been someone famous. Joseph Gordon Levitt, Badmotorfinger-era Chris Cornell, Heath Ledger and the singer of Days of the New had all crossed my mind as potential fathers. But this, I never could have even imagined. There was nothing to suggest that this would be the case.”

Michel had a loving upbringing, the youngest child in a family of five, but in a statement made to the local media he asserted that there were always lingering suspicions he was different from the bunch.

“The people who raised me — my parents — were great people, but very straight-laced. They had very conservative and religious tendencies, whereas I like to illegally download music, freeboot, rove, raid and generally quest for loot. I think I take more after my biological father in that regard.”

Even so, he states he could have never suspected the truth.

“It has deeply disturbed me and sent a shock through my whole life. It’s been like a theme park ride. I’ve reevaluated everything, and still don’t know where I stand.”

“Now that it’s been brought to my attention, I can totally see the similarities,” said Phillipe Landry, a friend of Michel. “But I never would have guessed otherwise. He looks just like everyone else does around here.”

When reached for comment, Jack Sparrow was typically evasive, smiling wryly and saying, “Perhaps he’s one of Keith Richards’ many kin.”

Evasions aside, however, a DNA test between pirate and Broadbent confirmed the paternal link. Doctors at the Institute for Paternity Tests found the presence of the rare “AR” and “RR” protein. This string of proteins, found in both men’s DNA has not been seen for years. It was once prevalent, but had been thought to be completely decimated after the fatal scurvy outbreak of 2004 on the privateer ship, the Verbinski.

Back at home, some of the Sherbrooke native’s neighbours are excited at the news they have a second-degree connection to the iconic swashbuckler. Trudy Datson, St. Pierre’s kitty corner neighbour and notorious local gossip was delighted, but not exactly surprised. “I always knew there was something fishy about a middle-aged man with a parrot on his shoulder.”

The buzz around the neighbourhood was not all positive, however. Some neighbours are anxious about the close connection to a known criminal.

“Don’t like his style much, but the kid’s OK, I guess,” said Reg Brick, a local wagon-maker. “Though I tell ya, the second he brings around that Barbary corsair who fathered him, there’s going to be a whackin’.”

“We had a similar thing in the neighbourhood a few years ago when that guy with scissors for hands started hitting on that goth chick.”

The news hasn’t been all bad for St. Pierre. He disclosed that he just received a large sum of money for optioning his life story to MGM for a film trilogy set to star Johnny Depp, titled Chocolat 2: Nougat.

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One response to “Man Shocked and Dismayed to Discover Identity of Biological Father

  1. True words, some truthful words dude. Thanks for making my day.

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