Calm Down – Myths That Should Be Left Behind

Hey bros, we’re moving towards 2010 at what feels like a record pace. Humans are evolving, civilization is maturing, and yet in some areas we still remain behind. Ever since the ancient Greeks, humans have been held back by various myths. I’m tired of that and am here to debunk for you the worst myths of the last year. Like the great Siddharta would say, truth above everything is the mantra for the new decade!

Myths That Should Be Left Behind

1) 2012 –
2012 will not be a big deal. The world will not end. It will probably just be a simple complete re-working of human consciousness. Nothing big. It’s not gonna be mountains moving or volcanoes or anything insane like that. it’s just going to dramatically change how each of us think and interact with one another. No fireworks, just a complete reimagining of all existence as we know it. That 2012 movie was so over the top. That’s not how real 2012 is going to be. It’s more that our brains will start melting and we will lose any and all sensory perception and have them replaced by a new way of consciousness. There won’t be explosions. The Mayans were a chill people. They did not want to explode anything.

2) Swine Flu Vaccine –
Everybody needs to stop panicking and get their swine flu vaccine now. Any amount of sickness or asberger’s that the swine flu vaccine could ever give you completely pales in comparison to what will happen if there is an epidemic of swine flu across the world. Imagine a world of people eating out of troughs and spending their days rolling around in mud. …. Sarcasm alert: That’s not what happens with swine flu. What happens is you end up walking backwards—that’s a life worse than a pig’s. Everyone with half a brain can see that if you had to walk backwards you would probably kill yourself intentionally or accidentally by walking into traffic. Sorry, Jim Carrey, but it doesn’t take a pet detective to know that piggy flu is a murderer the likes of which Dan Brown himself could not have concocted. Get to the vaccination clinic in record time and get your shot.

3) Global Warming –
There has been a whole lot of commotion in recent time about carbon emissions and the effect that they have on global warming. People are talking about how we need to stop using oil and cut down on garbage because if we don’t, then the sun will make the earth hotter and all this terrible stuff will start happening in record time. Sounds ridiculous, right? Well it is. Global warming is NOT caused by humans. There is no science to back that up, so don’t worry. There is no reason to sweat, or freak about about how driving a car will somehow turn Ontario into an oven, or that not wearing patchouli or tie dye will somehow cause glaciers to melt. The reason that the earth has been heating up in record time is purely based on naturally occurring phenomenon that happens every couple thousand million years. The same thing happened in 450,000 B.C. during a period of history now referred to as “The Scorch”, which was kind of like the sweet book The Road only with fewer living things. So stop freaking out about this carbon emissions stuff, it’s natural.

4) Dollar Stores –
It is about time we put the notion of dollar stores behind us. There is not a single dollar store in the continental North America that you can walk into with a loonie in your hand and exit with a product. Not one. In dollar stores that maintain the facade of having everything priced at a dollar, the old Harper/McGuinty tax shoves it above the loonie mark in record time. Not even plastic cutlery is a dollar, yet you can feel the knife in your back everytime you exit these stores. Furthermore, in the recent past a lot of these stores have now started to charge more than a dollar for their items. If only Jerry Seinfeld still had a show, I’m sure those guys could have a whole episode about this friggin scam. No dollar store for you!

5) 9/11 was an inside job –

People really need to shut up with all this crazy talk about how 9/11 was an inside job perpetuated by the American government. That’s just silly. In fact, people need to keep their maws closed about the 9/11 myth in general. There was no such plot by the government to carry out 9/11. The truth is there was no 9/11 to carry out. It’s all part of the American mentality that they need to have these big giant structures that give them this sense of security, and then when someone finally notices that they aren’t there in the first place, there is some big myth about how they were blown up by a plane in record time. When the Americans found out about the height of the CN Tower, they needed something to lull the population into a false sense of bigness. Enter the twins. They invented two freestanding structures, each taller than Toronto’s, then pretended that they were blown up by terrorists so that no one would question why they didn’t exist.

Peace. Now you know the myths. Now you know how to live.

Lates.

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